T Nation

Dating Disasters


#1

Moods been a bit heavy lately, so I figured we should share our most awkward or embarrassing one night stands and dating disasters.

By far, the worst one night stand I ever had was in Ft. Bragg North Carolina, many moons ago.

Met a hot little medic at bar for a little day drinking, things proceeded as one might hope. We decided to fuck in the lady's barracks, because we didn't have any other choice, but we knew they would be empty. Things went well for the main event, but after the event I needed to get the Hell out of there because I, as a male, was not supposed to be there.

For those that don't know (or blocked it from the memory). There is one door to the outside in the barracks and one door to the bathroom. They are identical.

In the men's barracks, the bathroom is on the North (?). On the female, South. Opposite sides, anyways.

Well, we do the deed and I wanted to join my new friend in a quick clean up for the shower. I was still naked.

Did I mention that the exit door locks automatically?

So, I step into the presumed shower and find myself, still slightly drunk, naked, and outside at 3:00 in the AFTERNOON. Bang on the door, but the girl who went to the correct door and who is in the shower, can't hear.

So, I do a naked sprint of shame --- coming across probably a platoon of female medics who hooted and hollered (and even saluted) --- all the way across the camp.

Didn't get caught; didn't get punished, but every single female in the camp new who I was and would snicker.


#2

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#3

Cool story bro


#4

I got married once. Huge mistake


#5

be me, 20 years old
meet qt3.14 named Annie in class
get to talking
she has a bf since HS, he treats her like shit
become friends, take several classes together
bf gets arrested/expelled (drug related)
they break up
make my move
start dating
things get serious
notice that her phone vibrates a lot at night, and that she always look right away but never answers
that’s OK, I trust her… right?
she starts getting distant, quieter than usual, less sex but insists that she is OK
that we are OK
she starts dressing differently, more promiscuous, new haircut and lingerie
still trust her
go to party one day after dating ~1 year
ex bf is there
several months out of prison
gets drunk, starts hitting on her jokingly
he’s pretty charming
he starts getting a little more serious, more physical
tell him to slow his roll, he laughs and puts his arm around Annie
says they’re going to run away together
she pulls away and tells him to stop being such a creep
he pulls her back and says he knows she wants it
she throws a drink in his face
he slaps her
she falls to the ground, the ex runs away
I get down and shake her, ask if she is OK
she doesn’t respond
Are you OK Annie??
You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, a smooth criminal


#6

I love this thread, were in a fucking forum on a website called ‘T-Nation’ and all there’s been is tales of being pussy whipped and not getting laid. Let’s definitely start sharing some humorous conquests, man up, and for sure change the mood in here.


#7

I’ve got a couple of good ones, may not be legendary, but I thought they were pretty funny…

Was drinking at a bar, ended up talking to a couple girls that were from out of town.

Left the bar with them and we started talking about heading back to their hotel, but a creepy dude from earlier came up and pretty much kidnapped one of them and went to go get food with her.

Me and the other girl went back to the hotel and hooked up, afterwards she told me I could crash there, but she needed to go find her friend.

I passed out hard, and woke up in the morning to a blowjob, I enjoyed the moment then flipped the girl over and started fucking her…

It was at this point that I thought to myself ‘Wait… you were blonde last night’ I looked over at the other twin bed in the room and realized that the first girl I fucked was asleep and I was now fucking her friend.

I kept fucking her, only stopping at her discretion when her friend would snore or seem to be waking up.

I finished the deed and she went to take a shower, the original girl woke up, I slept for a little while longer, got up and gave them both a high five and made my way home.


#8

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#9

[quote]pushharder wrote:
Some of you I’ve met in person and heard my Pot Smoking Granny story.

And my Skunk Lady story.

Both of them all time classics, I absolutely fucking guarantee it. As good as you’ve EVER heard. Bonafide proof that no one’s crazier than a bat shit crazy woman.

I can really only effectively tell them verbally. They require inflection and hand gestures. And they are long stories.
[/quote]

Do you still visit northern CA these days?


#10

I was at Ocean City, MD with my friends. We’ll call them R, J, D and K. We hit Secrets, one of the main clubs on the strip and split up, after agreeing to meet back at the end of the main bar around 1 am to see where we were at and to assess after party options. So at the appointed time, we all meet up, some of us with chicks, some not. But D was with a chick and they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. He was kissing her, feeling her, she was grinding on him and all over him - you get the idea.

So when J walked up, he started laughing his ass off. And we were all like, “dude, what’s up?”. So he looks at D and says, “Hey, D! How’s my dick taste?” D was a little drunk, but started to quickly sober up as he realized the situation. J wasted no time in clarifying it by saying, “That bitch sucked me off in the bathroom an hour ago! My nut is still on her shirt” and he pointed to several stains on the young woman’s attire. Well D immediately got sick and started dry heaving, the girl started crying, and the rest of us started laughing our asses off.

What was cool about it was that she had friends. So later in the evening, we all ended up hanging out at our hotel and partying our fucking asses off. Now I’m an electrician. I’ve woken up at 4AM for about 20 years, so even when I stay up late, I have trouble sleeping past 7AM. My internal clock just wakes me up. So, when I woke up, it was like the beginning scene from one of the Hangover movies. Like seriously. One girl still had a LIT CANDLE shoved up her ass! She was passed out on her stomach and every time the wax dripped and hit her pussy, the candle would bob a little bit.

Out of courtesy, I blew the candle out on my way to take a piss. There was a SNAKE in the bathroom. I shit you not. D had this pet snake that he used to carry with him in a sack. He used to keep a gun in the bag - that way if we ever got pulled over and stopped, the police wouldn’t really search the bag thoroughly (that shit WORKED). So the gun was gone and the snake was in the bathroom.

Long story short, I found the gun, still in the sack, UNDER the couch (which now had cigarette burns on it), and one of the girls woke up while I was under the couch she was passed out on. It was the one K had been fucking. After an awkward moment where I had to explain why I was all up in her business with a gun in my hand, she calmed the fuck down. I then put the gun and the snake away. So since she and I were the only ones awake, I offered to make bloody Marys and she accepted. Needless to say, I was fucking her a half hour later (I knew K wouldn’t mind). The original cum slut woke up while we were fucking and started sucking on some titties and then started to lick my balls, so I started fucking them both.

Now, If you’ve ever had a threesome, you’ll know that it takes a lot of concentration and “time management”. You have to divide your “attention” very democratically, or else they get jealous quickly. Especially if you don’t have a very long standing rapport with at least one of them. So I figured out a long time ago that you either need a “prop” such as a camera or a sex toy (basically something shiny that captures their attention) OR, and this is a way better option, another female.

Another female is the PERFECT solution, IMHO. You basically have two pairs that can occupy each other AND give me attention at the same time. Every so often you yell “switch!”. It’s brilliant. So, following that strategy, I had the original cum slut wake up the girl that I was fucking last night. She joined right in with out missing a beat. So there I am, banging three chicks at the same time early on a Saturday morning and just loving life. But all good things must come to an end

So it all came crashing down. Literally. We broke the coffee table and the noise woke everyone up. The remaining two girls were jealous that they weren’t in the mix and wanted to go home, K was hung over and said something along the lines of, “give the bitch a dollar and tell her to take the bus”, which upset one of the other girls cuz he called her a bitch. So by this time, my woody was rapidly going away as the drama ensued, so I tried to move MY little party to another hotel room, but they weren’t having it. The spell was broken. The girls left, we got breakfast and laughed our asses off. Buncha cock blocking muther fuckers!

But to this day, every time we get together and J sees D, he always opens up the interaction with, “how’s my dick taste!” LOL. Good times.


#11

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
One girl still had a LIT CANDLE shoved up her ass! She was passed out on her stomach and every time the wax dripped and hit her pussy, the candle would bob a little bit. Out of courtesy, I blew the candle out [/quote]

This is what I like about you AC, you’re always such a gentleman!


#12

I’ll tell the story in 2 parts… more of an almost dating disaster. Not epic by any means.

Part 1, What I remember…

I went to see RJD2 on a weekday at an ivy league school where I was living, but not a student. The price was kind of high for non-students, but I figured I could get someone to get me a student ticket/whatever. I had like 13 bucks w/ me.

I drank a lot in those days and it was a concert, so my plan was to pregame, maybe hit my stride at the show, and meet up w/ some chick I had been talking to after, as she was doing some work stuff or something. I wasn’t sure if it was a dry campus, so I did my usual and got a big gulp and poured a shitload of booze in it.

Got to the show, long ass line, hanging out, shooting a text or two to this chick… drank WAY… TOO… FAST… before the show even started, I was blackout drunk… (so, I’ll tell it as poetry).

Wandering around the lobby.
Waiting in line.
Wandering.
line.
Some sort of conversation with a vision of tickets and a cash box.
Wandering around building.
A long dark corridor.
I’m in. It’s dark except for some blue and purple lights.
I’ve been here before.
No music. WTF?
White guy setting up on stage. RJD2 is white?
Soul music begins. Moderate crowd response.
dance. sweat. repetition.
A long… dark corridor… and I wander.
A longer… darker corridor and a winding staircase.
On stage.
Backstage.
The world is my toilet.
Found rustoleum, hear the sound effect from Zelda.
My name everywhere.
A winding staircase towards the light to wandering.
A long dark corridor to music
Beats and dancing. And sweat, lots of sweat.
Smiling. Laughing.
Asian girl smiling.
more laughing and dancing.
sweat and sweaters
florescent and sterile hallways. The railing is my lifeline.
The long handicapped ramp is an obstacle course. Who invented stairs?
My car.
A brick wall with a gate and a tree.
Peeing on the tree.
A light in my face and questions… then handcuffs.
Bright lights, I’m a mogwai.
Beautiful blonde. These handcuffs are chafing me.
confusion and fear… my parent’s phone number.
Laughter and jokes.
A hug and a kiss.
A reunion and another target.
Piss on everything.


#13

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#14

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#15

Short version:

One of the crew I worked with one summer was from Equador and he was feeling a little homesick. We took him to a strip joint to cheer him up. My buddy decides to joke with him a bit, and tells him its customary in the U.S. to let the stripper know that you are enjoying a lap dance by sticking your thumb up her ass. We all got a good laugh out of that.

Toward the end of the night, I leaned over and asked my fine friend from Equador whether he was enjoying the show. He just started grinning and says: “smell my thumb.” Joke was on us, I guess.


#16

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Now, If you’ve ever had a threesome, you’ll know that it takes a lot of concentration and “time management”. [/quote]

My first year in the dorms in college I wound up making out in a bathroom with two hots during a party and we all decided to head back to their room where it was a little more private. One was nibbling on my ear and the other one was fondling me while walking through the parking lot. I was like, holy shit, college is fucking great! Then the nibbler fucking hurled about a gallon of puke right onto the side of my face. Then the other one says “oh my god I need to help my friend!” And then they both disappeared into the night leaving me with a crushed spirit, hopes dashed, and clothes drenched in vomit.


#17

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#18

Some years ago,
Friend sets me up with a girl way too young for me
Organise to meet
11:30pm - geez, that’s bed time
Get there music too loud and crap, feeling pretty grumpy
Meet girl, she’s pretty drunk already
Talk until 1:30am , by which I mean she yelled into my ear non stop
Tired, have headache, bored, just want to go
Go to leave, she wants a lift
Drop her home
She asks if I want to have a drink
Think God, there are probably room mates and I just want to sleep
"Thanks, but I don’t want to disturb your room mates"
"Don’t worry, I live with my parents"
Hmmm… 9am greet with the dad of a girl I’m 15 years older than? No thanks
"i probably shouldn’t"
Get called “a faggot” and door slammed on me.


#19

Mines not as good as everyone else’s.

But this one time I was talking to three girls on holiday at a bar, and one of them was pretty keen. Can’t remember exactly what happened but I ended up going back to the hotel room with one of the girls (not the one that was keen), while the other 2 girls stayed at the bar .

We got inside the room, made out etc etc, and I expertly I had her naked on bed ready for the bird-o-nator. Just as I was lining myself up to take her to heaven, she freaked out, got off the bed and insisted I get out. I didn’t want to get done for rape, so I got dressed and left the hotel.

As I left the hotel, I waved down a taxi that was stopping at the hotel anyway. Out of the hotel stepped out the 2 other girls. The “keen” girl who was drunk had a go at me saying “You fucked her didn’t you? Didn’t you?!?”. I replied “No. I didn’t unfortunately.”

Meanwhile the taxi driver was like “what the fuck is going on”. So I got into the taxi and got a trip back home with no win. Although the taxi driver enjoyed the story.

tweet


#20

Bah aha guess she wasn’t ready for heaven just yet.