COOK TURKEY THE DAN DUCHAINE WAY!

cough cough…Bill Phillips sucks…cough cough…
Arnie and Mike have got it all wrong. Screw the oven. Screw the temperature. THIS is how you cook turkey. All you have to do is baste it with DNP. You see, the awesome thermogenic effect is gonna cook it to a nice juicy on the inside and crispy on the outside perfection. You don’t even have to have a dead turkey. The DNP will take care of that too!

Dude, you are one funny motherfucker. I can’t come up with anything to add to this one.