T Nation

Commando on Spike TV - Liveblog!

One of the greatest Arnold movies is on Spike, it being Spring Break and all, I’m going to liveblog it. Feel free to join in!

I’ll confess I don’t think I’ve seen the very beginning of this movie before.

The badguys showing up as trashmen… genius. I hope someone got a promotion for that.

Bill Duke stealing the caddilac car seems racist to me, but so be it. Alyssa Milano is cute, but every scene Arnold does with her seems… creepy.

Plus side… Arnold is critiquing her breakfast, probably because she is to scrawny.

“Silent and smooth, just like always.” - General Kirby

I don’t think Arnold is either of those things… more like gigantuan and lewd.

This is how I imagine writing the screenplay went for this scene:

“Hey, we need to show Kirby and Arnold are like, friends and shit”

“Okay, how about he comically disarms him and then he receives a generic complement.”

“Yeah, then at the end have Kirby slap/grope his arms, because he’s all muscly and stuff”

“Cool.”

Well, wouldn’t you know, as soon as the General leaves and his men are stationed, they get shot to mince. Literally as the helicopter is leaving.

Arnold implies he can smell them coming, but he failed to smell this repugnant greaseball looking mf’er hiding in the trees with a grease gun and a members only jacket.

He delivers a one-liner (one syllabul actually, “Wrong.”) and blows him away and races down the hill where he eventually meets up with Bennet, who is for some reason Australian. He also has two great 80’s action movie cliches; a chainmail vest and a tranquilizer dart gun.

Had to grab the laptop plugin, came in to see Arnold telling who appears to be a young Emilio Estevez that he will kill him last, setting up the best line of the film.

Arnold just killed some guy by wrenching his neck, using his arms the way I use those little nutcracker things to smash open delicious crab legs.

Does anyone else think a 250 pound Austrian man rummaging around the belly of a modern commercial airliner might trip some kind of alarm or signal light somewhere? It’s irrelevant because Arnold just jumped into what looks like a sewage lagoon.

Alyssa Milano - “Not nearly as nice as watching him smash your face in.” If she said that today, I’d find it strangely erotic.

David Patrick Kelly, aka Young Emilio, is macking on Rae Dawn Chong, quite unsuccessfully.

Cue the pan flutes… and Arnold appears in her car, and unnecessarily rips out the seat so he can sit on the floor of her car. The audience would not know Arnold is a strong guy if he wasn’t constantly destroying utilitarian objects with his mitts.

“Are you going to kill me or something?”

No.

“Would you tell me if you were?”

Sure I would.

“You would?”

Trust me.

Off to a beautiful start. With repartee like that, I’m thinking Alyssa Milano has found a new momma.

As Arnold and Rae Dawn walk into the mall, I notice how filthy, sweaty, wild eyed and crazy Arnold looks.

I love how Arnold is supposed to be some kind of supersoldier and he’s trying to hide behind some tiny pillar. The mall cops call in for backup because they “don’t think they can handle him alone” (classic) but they edit out one of them describing him as “One… big… motherfucker.”

Now, I’m tingling with anticipation, wait for it, wait for it… YES! Arnold SHAKES ALL THE GLASS OUT OF A PHONEBOOTH AND HURLS IT OVERHEAD WITH A MAN IN IT!

Rae Dawn pushes a mallcop down some stairs… I think he’s dead.

Arnold swings across the mall atrium on the sturdiest balloon ever made, then bounces off the hood of Emilio’s Porsch, which by the way, looks a lot like your folks’ 2-Scoops.

Now Arnold is driving Rae Dawn’s car, so I guess she is sitting on the floor. Good call tearing that seat out Arnold.

I don’t think I’m synopsizing the plot very well, but it’s not important.

Arnold and Rae Dawn survive a serious high speed front impact completely undamaged. He asks her if she’s alright, so that’s probably all the medical attention they need.

Arnold dangles Emillio over the edge of a cliff with his “weak hand”.

“Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied!” - Arnold at his best.

What happened to Sully?

I let him go.

Bill Dukes is rolling up to some flophouse with his drop top Caddy, but I think it’s not the same one he stole. He must indeed like Cadillac cars.

I knew those little glass architectural blocks had a purpose: killing terrorists!

Amidst the rumble, and before Arnold impales Bill Duke on some random wood skewers, Rae Dawn exclaims “These guys eat too much red meat.” That must be my problem. Actually, I ate a frozen pizza with added bacon, potato chips and ranch dressing so my battle is with staying awake through this fine cinematic classic.

I enjoy how every attempt is made to show Arnold as some heavyhanded meatmonster who just rends everything assunder without heed. As he’s scaling the side of a building he rips off some tin and throws it aside, which is about the 5,000 thing he’s destroyed and he hasn’t even procured any explosives.

So after the whole climbing thing, he lets Rae Dawn in a window. Why didn’t he just break some glass out of the window and climb in? it would be another chance to bash something in recklessly too.

“Hey look, a picture of an amphibious airplane!”

Hey, I bet they use that!

Wowee, Detective D-Bol is on the case!

They finally break into the military surplus store and find the secret back room which is full of automatic weapons and explosives. I have been looking for such a room at our local sporting goods store and can’t figure out where they keep it.

Rae Dawn - “What’s this?”

Arnold - Rocket Launcher! Go!

An early student of Ollie Williams I think.

Watching her shoot a rocket into the paddy wagon leads me to think CrossFit girls would be even sexier if they also fired large military weapons.

Arnold grabs a man by his face and smashes his head into a dumpster or something

Did anyone ever tell you you have a lot of aggression? - Rae Dawn

Mhooooove! - Ahnuld

Damnit RaeDawn, Arnold assumed you knew how to fly, in fact, his entire plan hinged on it, now, start the damn engine.

No, wait Arnold will do that too by, you guessed it, smashing the control panel with his big right fist.

Then he has to help her fly the plane by opening the throttle up for her. He should have just paddled there.

Arnold has no fear of being caught by the Coast Gaurd either. For one, do they even have surface to air missiles on a cutter? And two, he has this untrained, unlicensed illegal pilot who can camouflage the plane by flying close to the waves!

I think Bennet has a strong homosexual attraction for Arnold, NTTAWWT. He’s constantly talking with his Ozzy accent all hushed and swarthy like he should be rubbing his pert nipples while thinking of the Oak.

I spent several glorius minutes on the can with my collection of men’s magazines and science rags and I came out to find an entire island nation being decimated by our Styrian friend.

Bennet whispers, lustily “Good to see you’re back John, it’s been a long time.”

I’m guessing 35 people have been shot so far and we’re only a couple minutes in. I wonder how many thousand rounds are fired in this scene… uh oh, that 12 ga breaching shotgun isn’t going to increase the count very much, but that’s okay, because Arnold has found a woodshed where he conveniently take off his shirt and score some circular saw blades. Is he going to fling them like shurikan? Is this the Space Pope reptilian?

How come whenever a guy jumps out of a window or a rooftop to land on some people he never actually lands ON them. He always lands sort of by them and grabs them down. Arnold should have landed with a boot on each of their skulls, but that’s a minor criticism give nthe awesomeness of John Matrix.

The would be dictator is walking around with a Steyr AUG and it’s making me envious.

SPOILER ALERT*********

Alright, let’s all brace ourselves for Bennet’s mental breakdown and his climactic hand to hand battle with Arnold:

Arnold tries to goad him into a fight and says “Don’t deny yourself the pleasure.” Which is telling given my previous observations.

Bennet exclaims some semicoherent gibberish about not needing a gun and being able to bear Arnold and goes flailing about. It also occurs to me that Bennet has the same mustache as and similar accent to Ray Comfort, noted banana aficionado.

Bennet gets electrocuted, but seemingly shakes it off and lunges at Arnold some more before retrieving an UZI. Before he can shoot, he shreiks “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes John” in a very shrill and ladylike manner and Arnold throws a steam pipe at him like a javelin and kills him.

Arnold walks through a ton of debris and dead bodies and General Kirby cheerfully shows up and tries to get him to restart his old unit, which seems perfectly reasonable given the millions of dollars of property damage, theft and murder he’s committed in this extralegal operation.

Arnold delivers another oneliner, cue the upbeat 80’s music and he rides into the sunset in the stolen float plane with Rae Dawn and Alyssa Milano.

THE END

I love this movie, and I’m pretty sure it’s the first movie I ever saw in a hotel room, if that’s any indication of the quality of programming shown on HBO circa 1995.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this, until next time.

-Conor

…dude.

That was really funny.

livespill?

[quote]jehovasfitness wrote:
livespill?[/quote]

Yep, T-Mag is going to have me commentate all the cable broadcasts of Arnold movies. They’ll pay me in Metabolic Drive bars.