T Nation

Come Laugh at My Relationship

I never thought I would be the guy posting one of these. I said, man, you have to be silly to get into such a toxic relationship. But then I got married…

For those of you who have never been married… I would recommend really really thinking about it before doing it. Everything people say about it is true. If you’re getting daily deluxe massages now, you’re gonna be waiting for your birthday for one and that’s if “my fingers don’t hurt.” It’s always “my head hurts” or “I have nerve pain around my stomach” or “it’s raining so I’m in a lot of pain.”

Okay I’ll make this short and sweet, kinda like the beginning of this relationship. This girl was super nice to me, listened to me talk about anything and seemingly enjoyed being with me and generally trying to get our life going.

She was actually renting a house with a couple friends. Working a good job. Good conversation. Looked great… So just an all around good woman.

Fast forward some time. I was in a car crash right before the 4 year mark and I’m telling you guys, if she didn’t stay with me at the hospital most of the time, I wouldn’t have recovered from a severe TBI like I did. 3 weeks of hallucinating…

So when I felt better I figured now was time to get married and so we did on our 4 year anniversary. First six months were fine but then I started slowly seeing her not want to work anymore, not cleaning as often (we split chores and she never does dishes anymore…). The jobs she had over the last four years she, again, quit. The last one - a year and a half ago - actually went out of business. Since then she put in about 5 applications (if I actually believed that) and has generally sat on her butt - which is steadily getting bigger - since that time. Again that’s 18 months of nothing but staring at her phone. I ask her to take a walk… Nope. I’ve done shit like counted how many times I asked until I got a yes just to go around the block - nine.

Now I’m FAR from perfect. I’m a recovering addict (doing good if you care), I have PTSD and major anxiety after that crash, I have other medical issues. But I try. I can’t work a full-time job now because of my medical issues so I do everything from eBay to scrapping metal and it’s been paying the bills. I’m also tapering off of my anxiety medication - cold turkey was no good because I think I was about to have a seizure 8 days in. Metallic taste in my mouth, left arm went numb. This is just so you know my status. I’m trying to get better mentally and physically.

She hasn’t done her laundry in over a month… Ok? I’ve done mine twice. I gave her money for hers. Dishes? 7-8 days… If I ask she blows up.

Anyway, it has been really bad like this for about a year. She has tried to provoke me enough to hit her so she could get my arrested but I can’t hit a girl. Overall I feel miserable around her and I’ve tried to approach her neutrally too many times to keep bothering. If she can’t understand three years later, what can I do? Being with her is really messing with my recovery and she is just a drain emotionally and financially.

Let me know what you guys think. Btw ofcourse I’m biased but I don’t act rude to her or anything! I ask her to help me by looking for work together and stuff like that and at this point she said I was nagging (I immediately stopped) but do I not have the right to ask my wife for help?

It’s gonna take a miracle for anything to change and actually she’s been so bad I actually just wanna be single!

Sorry people, I know this is some bulldoodoo but she is my wife and I need advice. Especially if I’m delusional? Thanks.

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If you describe things as they are, none of this is your fault. Good on you for being a recovering addict and doing well for yourself. If she doesn’t wanna be there with you, you can do better. I’m in a similar spot right now, I’m also dealing with stuff that I’m working on fixing.

Love and support here man, sometimes you don’t know someone until you know someone

She’s not worth your recovery though.

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If you don’t have children then get the fuck out. Take it from me, I’m 55 years old and I’m telling you…

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE MISERABLE!!

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If you want success in the relationship, I would get professional help in the form of counseling. Maybe she needs to hear things, but not from you (maybe you need to hear some things too). If you don’t want to go on, find yourself a really good lawyer.

I’ve been married 10 years to a wonderful woman, we have three children and are planning a fourth, and I’m a big believer in marriage.
But. IMO, (And as studhammer said, if you don’t have children) This is not worth the damage it is doing to your mentally and physically. Get a no-fault divorce and leave each other alone.
Counselling might help but I have my doubts that it changes people.
My parents were married for about 25 years before they divorced, they should have done it 22 years earlier. Plus (if you’re having sex at least sometimes) you might make a baby if you keep this up, and you do NOT want a child to grow up with this.

PS is there something you aren’t telling us, like that all she wants out of life is a baby, and you refuse? Because, while not good, that would at least shed some light on this.

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Okay thanks a lot for the advice people. I may have wanted counselling before she showed just how nasty she can be so I’m out. No kids - thank God! Really if she never changed (I don’t know if she put on a front for 4 years or if this is a doppelganger but they’re both bad) we would still be very happy. It’s okay - painful lesson to learn how much different a person can become.

Jdm135 I wish I could say that cause I’ve been trying to figure out the problem for a long time now. This is important enough that I wouldn’t want to leave anything out cause I I did there would be no point.

Again thanks people.

You talk about her laundry vs yours and your dishes vs hers.

Dude: is this your wife or your roommate? I have never divided the dishes or laundry between my spouse and I.

Punisher, I’ve always done our laundry. I asked if she could do hers to confirm my suspicions. We split different chores so she does the dishes and if she’s busy or sick then obviously I’m gonna do them. Matter of fact I can’t let em sit too long anyway but I wanna figure out what’s up with my wife and talking to her hasn’t been working. Also man I’m not flawless, I mean I’m a recovering addict but the thing is about trying and not trying…

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Again, the wording here. How does she have “her laundry”

It’s simply THE laundry, THE dishes, etc.

If you aren’t willing to combine dishes, don’t combine bloodlines.

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How long have you been married? If she’s not contributing or putting out regularly in lieu of contributing then lose the dead weight. Not only is she hindering your recovery but it sounds like her heart isn’t in it and why should you settle for that.

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Is your wife in therapy? She sounds stuck.

Also, my SO doesn’t touch my laundry and I don’t touch hers so I wouldn’t read too much into that particular piece.Different strokes and all…

It sounds like she’s very, very depressed.

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Again, old guy talking here. You have some issues in the past, they create regrets. I get it but, we all have those. But with a marriage, if you dont take action soon, and things worsen, you will have deep regrets and begin to resent your wife which is super unhealthy for both of you.

I know its hard to leave. Where do I go? Can I afford my own place? How do we split stuff? Can I afford a lawyer?

Right now, you need to figure out a way to get out of that toxic environment. Figure out the rest later. Nothing says you have to get a divorce filed right away.

My wife and I used to share the laundry duty but she absolutely HATES the way I do laundry so she appropriated that particular chore almost exclusively. Even when I sit down to help fold, she’ll refold her clothes that I folded haha … but it’s cool, I hate it when she fiddles with my vegetable garden…

We have it split that she cleans and folds while I put it away.

You’d prefer she not fondle your eggplant?

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My wife hates cleaning, I hate cleaning. Our solution? Hire a housekeeper. Works wonders.

Both of us also hate yard work, but I haven’t found a landscaper who keeps the yard as well as my wife likes it… so, I have to do yard work.

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This is exactly what I thought.

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X2 for what it’s worth.

This absolutely reaks of depression.

I would guess that supporting your husband through what sounds like a traumatic ordeal is probably not great for your mental state.

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