T Nation

Coach, You're an Idiot

For everyone who doesn’t want to read total bullshit for five minutes, skip the first three paragraphs, the training starts in paragraph 4. Or maybe it’s five now that I added this, doesn’t really matter though. The next three are irrelevant and should not be read to waste time, since porn is superior in that matter. Actually that applies to my whole post.

While I admit I don’t know the full meaning of idiot, my soccer coach is one. It doesn’t really matter because I’m done in that sport already, but I thought maybe you could learn something by his views on strength training and conditioning. By learn, I obviously mean laugh about and throw shit at.

So, I knew we didn’t have a hard workout ahead of us (he was lecturing the whole soccer team in the gym) and I went to do some heavy squatting and benching after school. Then I had a hamburger. Damn, I love bosses grill. I go over there early to check out the gym. It was not at all as I remembered it. I previously thought it was a shithole dump because when our school trained there (the gym’s under the school) it didn’t have many shiny machines.

Now when I went there, it was almost perfect. Bumper plates, chin bar, dip station, 2 benches, 2 squat racks and many experienced lifters. In fact, the only negative was there were too many serious lifters! Now, onto the fucktard.

This guy has a pretty good reputation for being good at rehabilitating injuries and was recommending 3 strength training sessions a week along with 2 days of cardio. I naively thought I was about to learn something.

There we sat waiting while the guy showed up five minutes late. I didn’t mind, I was there to learn and the train didn’t leave for about 2 hours. We were there to train for soccer, and that was obvious. The first thing he told us was
that we were only to train our legs in here.

If I wasn’t such a complete pussy, I’d sigh loud and beat him between the eyes with one of the sticks there, put out for sprinting drills. Looking at the training schedule he handed out, there were five excercises. The leg press (THE HORROR!), the donkey calf raise (that’s the one where you sit with pads on your thighs and the weight stack in front of you right?), the leg curl (…), the leg extension (I was starting to doubt his education in rehabilitation at this point), and the shoulder press. Yes, he put the shoulder press in a lower body exclusive program.

On to the training itself. First, we went to the seated calf raise (why didn’t I think of that earlier, that’s what it’s called). There was a 10kg weight plate on it, he said in what I interpreted as a joking tone that it was probably too heavy and asked us if we’d seen a five, or 2kg plate around. I had a fun chuckle going for me until I saw him heading over to the weight stack.

I just stood there and stared in disbelief. He must be joking, right? No you dumbass, I named this post like this for a reason. I had already decided to screw his training program when I got it, but this was freaking unbelivable. He then pulled one of us out of the group and got him on the machine. The next three minutes was him correcting my buddy’s foot placement so that they were pointing perfectly straight ahead. My palm had now been glued to my forehead for a while. He then said to us to perform 50 reps of this, 3 sets of 50 reps. With 2.5kg. To train our tendons.

Apparently, training like this induces muscle memory also, so that if you quit training after two years (Yes, he actually told us to train like this for two years before moving on to more “advanced” training methods) you’ll have an easier time gaining muscle then the first time. That’s a clear advantage since no other form of training does that. Also keep in mind he’s training a group of 16 and 17 year olds, none with any injuries or pains at the moment, like a group of 97 years old female midgets with arthritis, three hip fractures, quadruple hernias and twelve replacement joints. Keep in mind only two of us has noticably bad postures and flexibility issues.

Excercise two: The leg curl. Here he loaded the machine with a full 2.5kg telling us to touch our ass with the pad, or we’re too stiff making it impossible to avoid injury or sprint. 3 sets of 50 here too.

On to the knee joint’s nemesis. Our all beloved Leg extension machine. You know that talk about not hyperextending the joints right? I don’t know if that applies here, but I squat instead of spending my time on leg extensions. 2.5kg, 3 sets of 50. And extending the knees as far as possible, to train the muscles around this area pointing on inside of kneecap which are important stabilizers while running. How about sprinting to stabilize your knees for running? Obviously a bad idea, anyone could come up with that.

Now for the shoulder press, you all remember those shoulder muscles connecting to the thies right? You apparently train those best in a hack squat machine. Ok, he didn’t really say that, but he thought the hack squat was called a shoulder press. Never mind the original form of the excercise is performed like a deadlift with the bar behind you. Again, perfectly straight feet, this time as far as possible to the sides of the platform and also as high on it as you can. Of course you’re not allowed to use any weight because you’d break your spine under the pressure, or you’d get permanent joint damage.

I don’t remember and I don’t care. Lets not forget that we’re supposed to use 10 second negatives. That’s like 8 minutes sets. PLUS lifting. This was to be done on all excercises. A negative phase of 5 seconds was also acceplable, but barely.

Last and least(get it? Least, because we’re not allowed to use weights. God, I’m so creative and funny)The leg press. basically, as wide stande as you can use and still hit the platform, as high as possible still with perfectly straight feet, going as deep as you can. There is nothing wrong with lifting your ass up in the air, bending your back and making it the only site with contact to the pads. Obviously a bad position. 3 sets of 50 once again, ultra slow negative.

One thing he told us is that when doing slow negatives you tremble because you have poor muscle fiber recruitement. No shit sherlock, you have poor muscle fiber recruitement when lifting under 5% your 1rm max. Wether it’s the cause of the trembling is doubtable.

Atleast I learned something, never get your hopes up because someone has a nice education or has a good reputation. They’re still likely to be halfway retarded.

Sidenote: When I removed a stain from my training schedule it said “Rehabilitation program for 97 year old female midgets with arthritis, three hip fractures, quadruple hernias and twelve replacement joints.” It’s obvious he got it in an exam, saved the test and recycled it on a group of healthy teenage athletes.

No thanks, I’ll rather stick with my heavy lifting regime and actually progress. Everyone on the soccer team will think I’m crazy and abusing myself and then go on to cry in a circle in the locker room because I, someone who knows nothing about training and is obviously destroying my body has such good genetics as to surpass them as by years of training.

I heard somewhere he has a daughter about my age, if she’s doable I’ll send her father some sex tapes of her as a proactive revenge for ruining years of training for my friends.

[quote]shoo wrote:
I heard somewhere he has a daughter about my age, if she’s doable I’ll send her father some sex tapes of her as a proactive revenge for ruining years of training for my friends.
[/quote]

Even better, post the tapes up here and send him an anonymous email linking to this thread :smiley:

But yeah, sounds like a well-educated coach. Nice routine he gave you. I think I’ll adapt it.

for starters, you should quit playing soccer.

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
for starters, you should quit playing soccer.[/quote]

QFT

OMG, that’s hilarious.

Definitely do his daughter, anally if at all possible.

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
for starters, you should quit playing soccer.[/quote]

“It doesn’t really matter because I’m done in that sport already” - Shoo the great, the 2nd of december 2008.

[quote]shoo wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
for starters, you should quit playing soccer.

“It doesn’t really matter because I’m done in that sport already” - Shoo the great, the 2nd of december 2008.[/quote]

ok i stopped reading after 50 leg extensions with 5 pounds.

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
shoo wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
for starters, you should quit playing soccer.

“It doesn’t really matter because I’m done in that sport already” - Shoo the great, the 2nd of december 2008.

ok i stopped reading after 50 leg extensions with 5 pounds.[/quote]

Rofl. Second paragraph, dude.

What’s even more disturbing is that afterwards he was all serious and talking like “This is individual training, and it doesn’t matter if the guy next to you does 50 reps and you only can get 10, or 5.” I couldn’t even laugh at it, he expects some of us to be failing to do over 5 reps with 5 pounds. I don’t fucking know what to say about it.

And now none of my friends will progress while they think I am crazy and they will blame every injury I have on heavy lifting to justify their lack of gains. “Dude, I told you to listen to coach, if you weren’t deadlifting heavy over there you never would have been hit by that meteorite.”

Hmm, if I do look at it from the bright side though, my friends are mostly dumbasses and now they won’t get hurt since they are already doing rehabilitation work. AND I’ll be the only one who looks like he lifts.

[quote]MarvelGirl wrote:
OMG, that’s hilarious.

Definitely do his daughter, anally if at all possible.[/quote]

Hell, do that even if he was a great coach.

But don’t be surprised when you spend the season riding the bench.

[quote]Vicomte wrote:
MarvelGirl wrote:
OMG, that’s hilarious.

Definitely do his daughter, anally if at all possible.

Hell, do that even if he was a great coach.

But don’t be surprised when you spend the season riding the wench.[/quote]

Well, duh.

[quote]shoo wrote:
Vicomte wrote:
MarvelGirl wrote:
OMG, that’s hilarious.

Definitely do his daughter, anally if at all possible.

Hell, do that even if he was a great coach.

But don’t be surprised when you spend the season riding the wench.

Well duhne.[/quote]

Thanks, man. I try my best.

A high school boy walks into his house and tells his father he wants to play soccer. The father panics: “what!! oh my God!! Oh God no, pleeeeaaassse!” I never thought you could do something that would make me want to disown you, but you have found it. Oh my God, where did I go wrong?!!"

Son says, " Just kidding dad. I am gay though."

Dad: “Thats fine son”.

Did you ever notice that high school soccer and football seasons run at the same time? (At least in Colorado they do) Know why? I’m sure you do.
Those kids deserve a chance to letter in something too.

95% of sports coaches are not worth asking for strength and conditoning advice…

the level of strength and conditioning coaching in soccer is terrible all over the world. While visiting premier team middlesborough football club as part of a university related field study i got to see their strength facility it was nearly all machines and leg presses and knee extensions galore, i was dismayed and their strength training was over seen by a physio.

soccer players are generally weak as kittens and too aerobically fit, that said the USA soccer team is regarded as one of the best conditioned in the world, shame they cant get their technical coaching right!

Don’t give up football!

[quote]Wayland wrote:
95% of sports coaches are not worth asking for strength and conditoning advice…

the level of strength and conditioning coaching in soccer is terrible all over the world. While visiting premier team middlesborough football club as part of a university related field study i got to see their strength facility it was nearly all machines and leg presses and knee extensions galore, i was dismayed and their strength training was over seen by a physio.

soccer players are generally weak as kittens and too aerobically fit, that said the USA soccer team is regarded as one of the best conditioned in the world, shame they cant get their technical coaching right![/quote]

Too tight rules and a lot of unjust play such as faking makes the need for strenght and power a lot smaller. The only things soccer players really need at the moment are endurance and speed. As much as I’d love to see some huge guy completly crushing the other players, there are probably few judges who would allow it even if he did go shoulder to shoulder.