I have so many but here are a few:
"Better yet, you know how when your date falls asleep and you get bored, so you grab her nylons and high heels off the floor and slip into the bathroom to try them on, but then the bitch catches you and takes a picture with her cell phone and threatens to post them on the Internet unless you give a her a thousand dollars? "…Bare Down There (9-23-05)
Mankind can do without reading about “Celebrity Success Stories,” such as the one that featured a description of Celine Dion’s husband’s sperm count. Being married to Celine Dion is probably the only thing worse than listening to her music, so it’s a given that his Testosterone levels–and hence his sperm levels–are about as low as her CD sales at Louie Simmon?s Westside Barbell.-2004 Soy Awards
In the interest of full disclosure, I did date an Olympic gymnast once. The thought of a tiny girlfriend who was portable and tasty was intriguing. She would be like the girlfriend equivalent of a TV dinner. What’s more, she was so small, I could even nail her on the TV dinner tray while watching “The Price is Right”!
I took her to my place after dinner but made the mistake of showing her my collection of Cabbage Patch dolls in erotic positions. She got spooked and ran under the coffee table and refused to come out. When I bent down and swatted at her with a rolled up newspaper, she vaulted over me and scurried into the space between the refrigerator and the wall. Were it not for the broomstick I kept in the corner, she’d still be back there living off crumbs.-This Olympic Moment (8-20-04)
Perhaps worse than extinction is extinction with insignificance. Will my life count? Will I leave a trace that has meaning? Would that fearful child I once was, if he were confronted by me–his future, adult self–think I was a cool guy, the superhero he dreamed of? Or would he shake his head, mutter “what a loser,” and pull the covers farther up over his head?-On Death and Dying(9-3-04)
You’ve set your sites on a can of tasty peaches that’s on a pretty high shelf, so you’re probably not going to be able to reach it.
You might as well leave it off your list so you don’t agonize over it, or at least shoot a little lower. I once dated a girl who posed for the Sears catalog in her underwear. They were oversized ones that were embroidered with “Monday,” Tuesday", etc. but heck, I was going out with an underwear model.
So when I die, I at least got that going for me.-12 things you don’t have to do (9-22-06)