T Nation

Chuck Norris


#1

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.

Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


#2

This has been posted before but I don't mind seeing it again especially with some new ones


#3

The thread concept that would not die.

Remember Chuck does not sleep, he waits. In the van with Mr. T, while Vin Diesel is in the back, loading guns.


#4

Is there one about Vin Diesel? I read the two about Chuck and Mr. T, and just about wet myself both times. I'd love to see one about Vin.


#5

ask and ye shall recieve
http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty


#6

sweet..


#7

That one is probably true.


#8

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another

oh boy...


#9

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just doesn't take lactose's shit.

This one had me in absolte stitches in the middle of my office.


#10


Proof of how hard he truely is.


#11

I understand Chuck "Fucking" Norris's birthday was a couple days ago. He turned 579. That's 32 in Chuck years. In honor: Thirty more things about Chuck Norris

  1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

  3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

  4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
    to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

  6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

  8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

  9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

  11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

  12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

  13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

  14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

  15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

  16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

  17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

  18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

  19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

  20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

  21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

  22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

  23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

  24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

  25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

  26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

  27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

  28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

  29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

  30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


#12
  1. The reason that this post keeps appearing on T-Nation is that Chuck has 52,389 different log in names for the site and randomly posts the thread so that no one will forget about Chuck.

#13
  1. Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake as a condom

#14

According to Einstein's "Theory Of Relativity", Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face yesterday.


#15

My favorite:

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a 'who has the most testicles' contest. Chuck Norris won by five.


#16

"Chuck Fucking NORRIS" --Ben Stiller ..DODGE BALL...


#17

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters. By knit I mean "kick" and by sweaters I mean "babies".


#18

http://thatvideosite.com/view/1558.html


#19

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


#20

Chuck Norris once ate a herd of cattle and shit out little pieces of Jean-Claude Van Damme. He then gave the the shit chunks a bit part in Missing in Action.