Good skills. I like things like that becuase too often Hollywood stars take themselves too seriously.
Could you see that fuckwit Tom Cruise doing anything like that?
Chuck Norris is a B-A-D-A-S-S…
Interesting Chuck Norris facts:
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds
till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the
year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percentThere are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another
fist.It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more
pirates to him.When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
“Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way
out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying “booya”.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, “Bang!”The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more “humane”.Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t **** with Chuck!”
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and pooped on their floor,
just because he’s Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
“Bang!”
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
“booya”.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
“Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate
12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact
change.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
“accidentally” beat crap the out of little kids.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that he wanted it “his” way.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
[quote]phil s. wrote:
Chuck Norris is a B-A-D-A-S-S…
Interesting Chuck Norris facts:
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds
till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the
year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percentThere are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another
fist.It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more
pirates to him.When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
“Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way
out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying “booya”.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, “Bang!”The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more “humane”.Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t **** with Chuck!”
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and pooped on their floor,
just because he’s Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
“Bang!”
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
“booya”.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
“Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate
12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact
change.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
“accidentally” beat crap the out of little kids.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that he wanted it “his” way.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
[/quote]
This shit is tooooo funny! Who came up with this crazy stuff!?
Scholars have said Chuck Norris has only two speeds:
-
walk
-
kill
you’re missing the classic one :
-There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of creatures chuck norris allows to live.
ok, the best are the Mr. T ones… so here is the list I have:
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood. 204 8.34
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity. 175 7.51
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk. 142 7.49
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80’s. 131 7.41
- That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence. 384 7.4
Mr. T’s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity. 155 7.38
You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion’s tail hanging out of his mouth. 166 7.36
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors. 645 7.2
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed. 176 7.16
Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it. 585 7.15
Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him. 156 7.08
Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah. 115 7.05
Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T. 131 7.05
In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell’s jibba-jabba. 87 7.02
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history. 402 7.01
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him. 262 6.95
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain. 275 6.89
Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters. 199 6.86
Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048. 103 6.86
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T. 92 6.85
Mr. T’s incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn’t have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T’s. 245 6.84
Remember when Mr. T wasn’t so popular and awesome? Me neither. 95 6.83
They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don’t have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you’re dead no matter what. 112 6.82
On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both ‘deflower’ the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman’s uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks. 67 6.82
Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T. 511 6.81
Mr. T’s sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man. 133 6.8
Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba. 254 6.78
Mr. T doesn’t have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle. 170 6.77
Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That’s 100 fools pitied a second. 527 6.77
The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T’s neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox. 123 6.76