Sniper99, I admire your conviction and I respect a person’s choice to wait for marriage to have sex. But I can tell you, talking about sex with a future mate will never help you determine sexual compatibility.
Sexual compatibility is not just a question of liking the same things or wanting to have sex with the same frequency; sexual chemistry also plays a huge part. Two people have it or they don’t. They find out if they have it only when they engage in sexual relations.
Carry a condom. If ever you do find yourself in the heat of the moment without a safe you will not stop to think about what you’re going to do. You will find your brain has headed south and you will not be thinking rationally. This happens equally to men and to women.
for example, if you get drunk and take a girl home from a party and fuck chances are shes just a slutty girl and thats it.
lumburjack: Before I get out my flamethrower and give you third-degree burns on your cyberass, I’m going to give you a chance to explain that statement.
If she’s a slut for taking an inebriated guy home from a party what does that make you as the drunk who went with her?
Oh, and the difference in divorce rates isn’t much different for those that wait either. To each their own.
We’ve had this discussion before. There’s no data to show marriages are more likely to succeed one way or the other. It’s all about personal preferences and your best guess at what works for you.
That goes for religion too. People pick the religion that fits them for the most part. They all work and fail equally well depending on the practitioner and the “fit”.
I just wonder how it would feel to wait for 5 years, pick a nice girl, have two kids, and then find out she’s cheated on you with a couple different guys. You did everything God said and still got fucked. Now what? Who are you going to get more mad at?
Well I’m sure you can never be 100% certain… but personally, I believe if you are truly in love with someone, and you work on it, sexual chemistry can follow. And the conversations, while not foolproof, can certainly get some of the obvious stuff out of the way. For example, if she says “I think giving blowjobs is nasty and degrading and I’d never do it to my husband” then I’d have problems right there.
Oh and Tim - while you are sort of correct, you aren’t entirely. Remember, God doesn’t make everything obvious to us. So it could very well be the person you are thinking of marrying is NOT the person for you despite the signs. That’s why its important for the couple to date a long time, talk openly about all issues, etc - to find out if this is truly the right person. And that includes issues of sexual chemistry - at least it includes them for guys like me - guys for whom a great sex life is an incredibly important part of marriage.
sniper99, while i totally admire your saving yourself for marriage i have to say this…even attempts at rightousness are a bit skewed these days. blowjobs?? as a alternative to vaginal sex? now let it be known by one and all VINDEL loves a good blowjob but …gather close gang i’m gonna whisper…ITS STILL SEX!! and young folks wonder why old farts like myself say the worlds goin to hell in a handbasket. my young brother good luck to you and your quest, i wish you all the best. think before you act and before you speak you’ll be amazed at the results you’ll get. good luck
Vindel
lumburjack: I just reread your original post and I realized I misinterpreted it. Nowhere in that post did you say you have engaged in the behavior of getting drunk and taking a girl home from a party.
Still, I think your calling women who do such things “sluts” is out of line.
I don’t think I could date a girl (long term), let alone marry one, who is waiting until she is married for sex. Sexual compatibility is a huge issue in our generation. When our grandparents (and other past generations) got married, they just got married and however things worked out, they did. But most people in our generation have had pre-marital sex and know when it’s good and they know when it’s bad. Think about it - could you wait to marry a girl (or guy for the vixens), only to find out they are terrible in bed/have no sex drive/are not compatible with you?
Vindel - you misread my post. I said IF I SCREW UP I would rather it be a BJ than sex since its safer. Notice embedded in that statement is the fact I consider both a BJ and intercourse to be screwing up. I have no plans to do either and believe both should be saved for marriage.
And Big Willie - perhaps I am naive, but I feel that if I am madly in love with a woman to the extent that I want to marry her, then sexual compatability will be there in the end. Any kinks can be worked out. I’m of the view that there is a woman who is right for me out there, and when I meet her, I’ll know.
Would you buy a car without test driving it? Would you buy a house without going inside? Hell no. You’re a fool if you get married without having any intimate contact first. However, I guess if you do what Sniper said and do everything else besides have sex, then yes you would probably know if you are sexually compatible or not. Then I’d just say you wasted time waiting to get married when you could have been making love.
Call it shallow all you want. The physical chemistry has to be just right or it won’t work. I’ve had shitty sex with girls that I had great relationships with, and I’ve had great sex with girls that I couldn’t stand talking to. Neither one is good enough for me. Why settle for less?
so MD, what would you call a girl that agrees to have sex with you after just 1-2 hrs of drunken conversation or dry hump dancing without the intention of ever talking to you again? a good one to bring home to mom? and its not that i don’t respect people like this, i don’t respect what they’re doing.
yeah i’m in college and when i don’t have a girlfriend i guess you could call me “a drunk guy who humps sluts,” but then again 99% of the guys at these parties have the same agenda. girls know this and some still decide to go home with us. don’t hate the player, hate the game.
back to snipe, if you have no moral objection to getting blown then stick with that, in fact i like getting head better. stay clean
I reread my post and it does sound a little weird. Sorry about that.
Here is basically what I mean. In the bible, premarital sex is wrong. It is plainly written. What I’m saying ( and I didn’t say very well) is that if you wait until marriage to have sex, according to the bible, you are doing the right thing. Now the idea, in the bible, is that marriage last until death. The only grounds for divorce in God’s eyes (according to Jesus’ words) are fornication (greek word pornea). So, the idea is that if you follow the suggestions he has outlined in his word (ie, husband cherish his wife, wife respect her husband), then you would have success. Now, since you and I are imperfect presently, things don’t always work out, but that WON’T be because you waited until marriage to have sex.
Now, I did wait (I was 23 when I got married) and my wife and I are compatible sexually. I have to tell you for me I am so glad I waited. My wife and I share something that we can’t share with anyone else, and I do love her dearly. We are the best of friends.
That may not happen for everyone, but waiting until marriage does NOT increase your chances of a divorce. It is evidence of your respect for yourself, her, and God.
Those are my beliefs as a Christian. That doens’t make them right for everyone.
You haven’t really been specific about what kinds of situations you could be in where “temptation” might get the better of you. Do you have a girlfriend? Do you go to parties and drink and hit on strangers?
If you have decided not to have premarital sex, honestly I don’t see how you could suddenly slip up and find yourself boning some chick. If you have a girlfriend, I assume that if you were to decide to have sex pre-maritally, it would only be after a lot of discussing, and probably planning the event to be all romantic and special. If you don’t have a girlfriend, and you like to go to parties and pick up women and make out with them or dry hump or something, but NOT have sex, then you’re a tease. But that’s okay; even still, when a chick says, “I’m going to take off my pants now,” you can say, “No, you’re not.” Even though I plan to have lots and lots of pre-marital sex (with someone I love) before I get married, I still know that I’m not ever interested in having sex with strangers. Since I don’t have a girlfriend, and I know I’m not going to have sex with strangers, I feel no need to pack a condom.
As for the sexual compatibility thing. . .how far are you willing to go with someone you aren’t married to (provided you don’t screw up?) If you are judging future sexual compatibility by talking about sex, only, you probably can’t predict compatibility. But if you’re also going to make out a lot, play with her boobs, and dry-hump until your dick is chafed, you can figure out a lot more about whether you’re sexually compatible, and whether she’s as horny as you are, without doing “it.”
Sniper…you have been given alot of different opinions on your question here.
I think that you should have specified that you wanted responses from other Christian T-men who faced or are facing the same situation.
Asking for opinions or advice from non-Christians isn’t going to help you from a Biblical “worldview” perspective. I think Tim and ZEB have given you pertinent opinions.
I agree bald_scholar, and it pisses me off to no end when I take a girl home, we both get nekkid, and as I’m unwrapping the rubber she says, “whoa, you think I’m going to have sex with you? I just met you.” Well why the hell aren’t you wearing any clothes then? I think some girls get off by cock blocking guys, and you know what? They’re not my type. I prefer girls who get off from - cover your ears Zebediah - all night long freak fests, aka normal warm-blooded humans.
end rant
Tim - that is totally respectable, and my grandparents are another example of two people who waited for marriage and ended up staying together. However, they got lucky. I’d rather not rely on luck when it comes to something as big as committing to spend the rest of your life with someone. I know, if you love someone it shouldn’t matter, but you obviously haven’t been with someone who appears normal on the surface but absolutely grosses you out sexually. I’m not joking, some people were just not meant to be together.
And its not shallow bro, ask any married couple, sex is very important. Given that, how will you know its good if you havent had it, before it’s too late to make a decision??
Scrub, what you described with the chicks “cock blocking” I find quite unacceptable too. I sincerely doubt chicks like that are avoiding sex for moral or religious reasons - more likely they are doing it to feel powerful knowing they are giving a man a painful case of blue balls.
I may be waiting for sex, but I am of the opinion that anyone waiting for sex, man or woman, should let their partner know this long before. Letting it get to the point where the partner is expecting sex, etc, is quite unacceptable and very unfair to that person.
As for the sexual compatability, I must agree that it is exceedingly important - especially to me. That said, I disagree that sex is the only way to find out. It seems to me if you date someone for some period of years, get extremely close, have intimate conversations on the subject, and engage in intimate activities that I view as OK (mainly kissing/make out, maybe limited petting), and you are madly in love with that person, you will have a pretty good idea of sexual compatability. So, I agree “banging em” is the quickest way, but I think you can determine sexual compatability fairly well in a long term relationship through other methods, it just takes time.