T Nation

Chicken Little and Rock and Roll


#1

I was scared.

Very scared.

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing, capable of creating reality out of perception and changing perception to suit reality. What if I went to see him and he was Old, Balding and Pathetic? A sad caricature of himself incapable of rising to the self-parody and easy humour that once made him famous, instead limping through his tired old hits while oozing desperation and reeking of lechery instead of coolness.

Old rock stars are dangerous.

As Bands/Artists who we connected with in our youth, there is little as capable of making us feel older and sadder than we are then watching that Band/Artist perform embarrassing shows that are uncomfortable to watch and cause us to somehow feel "less" upon reflection in direct contrast to how they made us feel somehow "more" when we were young.

Yeah, I was worried. If I went to see David Lee Roth and he wasn't what he once was, wouldn't that be the same as me not being what I once was? (see above picture for reference and giggles...hey it was the early fucking 90's get off my back!...). Maybe I was washed up too?

And so...the highlights...and not so highlights...

Mrs. Cake spots three skanky looking chicks haulin' gear into the backstage area, quips "Gee, Diamond Dave must be cutting back, he has the Hookers doin double duty haulin' equipment for him...Hehehehehehe". Much laughter and slanderous comments directed at the poor quality of slut that Dave is now capable of attracting.

Hooker/Skanky chicks hop on stage and rip into some Ramones inspired 3 chord Rock. Turns out they were the opening band.

Mrs. Cake feels bad about her jest.

The temperature rises to just below the surface temperature of the sun. Spontaneous combustion helps to thin the crowd and at the very least I get some shoulder room. More Evian please...

Very rank looking slut peeks at me from behind her friends and makes her way over to me. As she approaches I think to myself in light speed..."Did I?...don't think so but would I?, well if I was REALLY drunk but it would have had to have been pre-Mrs. Cake and she looks more "recent" then that...oh, god look at her up close, I really, really hope I didn't, I wonder if I could get away saying my name is Tim Patterson and I have no idea what she is talking about?......Damn, she's already in my face..."

"You don't remember me do you" (insert accusatory tone, this is a statement, not a question)

(Me, trying to buy time) "Pfft, of course I do, how ya doin?"

"From where?" (Insert Perry Mason successfully badgering a witness and winning the case in dramatic fashion tone)

(Lightning strikes and my memory is restored) "From the Red Devil, you were one of my Bartenders...Cindy, right?" (Haha! I WIN!)

"You sat there all calm and collected and fired me for no reason, ruining my life like it meant nothing to you and you sat there like you were having Sunday Tea, it didn't bother you at all, you cold Bastard. But I'm over it and really it let me move on to bigger and better things, I am a Snowboard instructor now."

(Me, suddenly remembering exactly this girl and the details surrounding her dismissal...ohhh, ugh...)" I can see that!, good for you!"

Smile, Nod, Run Away.

Dave hits the stage.

What?

I said, Dave hits the stage.

WHAT?

I SAID, DAVE HITS THE STAAAAAGE!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DAVES ON THE STAGE AND HE IS REAL FUCKING LOUD!

No kidding, what is left of my hearing after years of sonic abuse was (I thought) incapable of being damaged further. I was wrong.
I presume the ringing will stop in a few days and the muffled effect will too. I hope.

My fear was unwarranted, Dave has all of his old chops and then some, maybe it's the 15 foot proximity, the small club or possibly the fact that this time I am sober enough to see that far. The last time I saw Diamond Dave was around '90 on the "Eat 'em and Smile" tour with Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan and Greg whatsizface...just amazing at least the parts that still come to me as through a haze...

But, last night, hooo boy, Dave still kicks ass. Lots of ass. Mondo/Uber ass.

2 Davisim of the night: "Hey baby, I gotta tell ya, things are going real good for me right now, I mean everything is just perfect. I couldn't think of anything being better than it is right now. Yessiree, thing are great. Why don't you come back to my Hotel room and fuck up the rest of my life?"

1 Davisim of the night: Did someone just throw a fucking bottle at me?, Did some Motherfucker, Cocksucking Faggot just throw Ice up here? Hey you, Fuckhead, your girlfriend said you were going to be trouble tonight. I saw her before the show, she said to give you this message "Ummffugh, Umffguuuuck, Agahgahgahgahga, GULP!". And the roof gets blown off by applause...Hilarious, just Hilarious.

Nasty Cougar who bears a creepy resemblance to Flo from Mel's Dinner shudder sits atop here boyfriends shoulders and threatens to show poor Dave her Tea Bag Titties. Raucous noise accompanies her "teasing" movements at lifting her top but she misinterprets this to be encouragement, we were actually saying "Please do not do that, I mean sure Dave pissed off Eddie, ended possibly the best Rock band ever, couldn't get along with the Red Rocker longer than 2 months and his juvenile behaviour is an acquired taste but no man deserves that, have a heart for crying out loud, you'll make his hair plugs fall out if he catches a glimpse of those things at that close range. And besides, PICK UP AT TABLE 6!"

Thankfully a much more attractive Vixen hopped up on her boyfriends shoulders and shamed her back to the floor.

Close call.

And me? well, today I was walking a little taller and my chest was a little swelled due to some meathead who was behind me that informed me after the obligatory Jake Daniels toast that my "Water doesn't count"...uh...O.K Buddy, he then proceeds to hand me an empty cup and says "Put it in here and no one will laugh at you". I look a Jabonie-Man and say "Who the fuck would do that?", well he grabs my shoulder to lean in close and stops, stares at his hand, gives 2 squeezes looks at me and says "Uh...no one man, sorry dude, sorry".

Now, yeah, I was flexed as I was prepared to backhand him (I HATE it when people touch me without my permission and yes that includes women who "stroke" your shoulders or lay their hand on your chest when they talk to you. These women are also usually close talkers as well and I hate that too. A Friend and you need a hug? Sure but strangers should and usually do give me lots of room.) But did I get an ego boost out of it in some silly school-girl way?...yep...:slight_smile: He said he like my pig-tails, he said he likes my Pig-tails...heeheeheehee

Yes sir, just like when I was 20. I am pretty sure that it is the Testosterone that makes us enjoy conflict no matter our age.

At least that's what I blamed it on when I told Mrs. Cake about it...

A BIG DIAMOND DAVID LEE ROTH THANK YOU NEEDS TO GO OUT TO:

The extremely Beautiful and talented Eva Moore who in a totally unnecessary but inspiringly kind gesture insisted that Linda and myself get out together and she would take care of the "muffins" (Sam, Kel and Ronnie) as a reward for the T-cell/B-Day bash held 2 weeks ago. It is apparent that Eva and I are members of the mutual admiration society so I am not gonna call for a group hug but I would like to say Thank-You in a "public" way.

Thank you Eva,

You and Dave ROCK!

Jeff


#2

Not to worry, 'cake. Diamond Dave's gonna be young forever. :wink:


#3

Pretty frigging hilarious!


#4

Sweet, Cake, went through a similar problem last year at the Bad Company, Billy Squire, Styx concert. Bad company still kicks ass, Billy Squire does not, STYX old stuff = Good, New stuff = WTF were they thinking?

The funniest observation was the parking lot. Twenty years ago there were 442's, cuda's, mustang's, now BMW's, Mini-vans, and station wagon's.


#5

I should also mention that the wonderful E~ also hooked us up with the ducats on her tab...totally unnecessary and totally in character for her...and my kids think she is a Goddess...

I stay away from any and all "Classic Rock" concerts and festivals for just that reason Phattie but I would HIGHLY recommend a DLR concert and yes, Squire DOES suck. Of course he always did with the exception of 2 songs but he never, ever had any stage presence at all.

It was like watching the "Singing Librarian"

"None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm"

~ Henry David Thoreau


#6

Thats good news BPJF! I'm going to the STYX, REO, Journey concert on Friday. Your right, Journey without Steve Perry is just not Journey.


#7

I've been an admirer of Dave's between song banter & comebacks to dumbasses for awhile now. He's something akin to a Dice Clay in that department.

Thanks you Cupcake for providing 2 classic Davisms for the archives.

But was Dave still doing any gymnastic moves? I hear he still trains alot and now is into Brazilian Jiujitsu.


#8

The stage Dave was on was not much larger than an Alex Van Halen drum riser, so very little Gymnastics from Dave as the set-up was tighter than his pants.

If anyone cares, from our vantage point, Dave was a "Lefty" and most definitely "cut".

"The tighter you squeeze, the less you have"

~ Thomas Merton


#9


My own little tribute to DLR.

Crrrrazy from the Heat...!


#10

Great post! Almost felt as if I were there.

Ms. ~e is sure a great gal to hook you and the Mrs. up like that. What a pal!!

Thanks for the smiles you always put on my face from reading your posts.

Alicia


#11

Gee Char, so very nice of you to pull a David Hasselhoff and rescue the soggy Maiden in distress, (where were you?...looks NICE!)

DLR would be proud!

Thanks Alicia, that's why I'm here!

"You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things"

~ Ken Kesey


#12

OHMYGOD are Cakes kids ever fun!
Can you imagine 3 beautiful little miss's abounding (and tap dacing/ bouncing) with unlimited joy all having the same etreamly high mental capacity?

I had so much fun!!!! They are the greates kids.

As far as the DLR thing here is how it came about.
It was on the night of the Bar-B-Q that I got the pointer from Lou. I mentioned to him that I was quite stunned at how wonderful the time was with everyone. That I felt very lucky to have been able to share my B-day with such great people.

I think it also overwhelmed me. I felt like I wanted the whole thing to be about everyone rather then my birthday- so I backed off posting in the threads RE the paint ball and such.
I think the thing that got to me the most was the way Mrs. & Mr. Cake opened their home up to the event and to the "unknown" - "internet" - "forum mates"

Then to top it all off he fed the bunch of us the most delicious meal.
After dinner you should have seen Cass and I circling around the plate the glazed meat was on!! Like vultures we swooped in when the kitchen was empty to feast on the left over.
Yummmy!! Oh what a meal..


#13

After such a great expression of generosity I wanted to repay the Mrs. and the Cake man with something that would give them some time with each other and also get them out having a good time.

And upon Cake return home...
-the biggest smile! Bigger then Boo's when she sees Mike Wazowski get hurt!
-shirt unbuttoned
-full on swagger of a man in euphoria

he he I am happy you had fun with your lady! Cake it was my pleasure- I mean that! Your girls are dolls and so much fun to spend time with. I think Ron can read better then I can!

So many thanks to Lou for his insight....
454ss for the Karate kicking board demonstration- opps forgot to tell you they all take karate ;0)
to Kal, Ron, and Sam for all the fun! ;0) We should all do the stampeede grounds together but this time with Garn. Deal?

Mostly to the Cake House hold shopper!
First it was a "oh so yum" turkey with asparagus dinner. Thank you.
Man that was the best set of cupboards I have ever raided while babysitting...
Low fat cottage cheese, classic vanilla GROW, nuts..... ohhh yes!
Just let me know if you ever need someone
I am sooooooooooooo there!
E~


#14

Cupcake - gotta like a guy whos into diamond Dave AND the Merry Pranksters.

Perhpas DLR would have joined that Band if he were older at the time.

Char - was that photo taken in Okinawa?
Okinawan beaches are off the hook.


#15

I was wondering what had happened to my nuts.

We're in for the Stampede as long as Garn doesn't mind all the "cooties" he's gonna get from all the chicks!

I myself, am cootie resistant due to the years of exposure and constant dietary vigilance. A diet high in "Iron" and of course that yummy Udo's keeps a boy Healthy, Wealthy and Cootiefree!

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing"

~ Redd Foxx


#16

For anyone who hasn't read DLR's autobiography, that's the cover shot. Well, sort of. I'm not as blond as he was, and my woman isn't quite as svelte as his. But hey. I did what I could, given the materials available. (And I like my shoulders better than his. :wink: )

The pic was taken in the Maldives, which are absolutely unbelievable. If you ever want to get away from it all...