Cheating: How Did You Deal...

[quote]debraD wrote:

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Wait… is Deb single now???

;P[/quote]
:o)

No. That was an ex from long ago.[/quote]

Oh…

Well there goes those hopes.

Lifts, and Canadian so there’s a chance she likes hockey…

Sigh.

:wink:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :frowning:

Happened twice, two different girl friends. First time there was arguing and lots of talking, second time I learned my lesson and with one simple phone call said “It’s over, don’t ever contact me again for any reason. Your stuff is outside by the garbage, the garbage company comes every Tuesday” and hung up. Then proceeded to be single and concentrated on my hobbies which were training, video games, marksmanship and hanging out with friends.

Also learned a valuable lesson: sluts and former cheaters are not to be dated.

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]
Some people prefer to confront. Others like to disappear without a word. Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what is best for you but what is important for you to understand is that you end that relationship and you end it for good. From what I gather on these boards you have a lot going for you, and it would be foolish of you to cling on to someone who doesn’t respect you and give you what you deserve.

[quote]legendaryblaze wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]
Some people prefer to confront. Others like to disappear without a word. Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what is best for you but what is important for you to understand is that you end that relationship and you end it for good. From what I gather on these boards you have a lot going for you, and it would be foolish of you to cling on to someone who doesn’t respect you and give you what you deserve.[/quote]

Well said.

To properly answer the question, we have to know what your definition of “cheating” is. I mean, I’ve been in relationships where I could have sex with anyone I wanted as long as my SO was in the room… Did you catch him texting an ex? Did you walk in on him fucking someone? Dirty emails? Smelled like pussy when he got home late drunk? Did your friend’s cousin’s room mate see him at a bar with someone else? Did the PI you hired bring you back video and semen samples? There are different definitions “cheating” as well as different levels of certainty. Both of which must be weighed before advice can be given.

Also, even if the “relationship” was for over a year, was there a conversation about exclusivity? “Someone you had been with” is a little vaugue. Were promises made? For example, I’ve had a few women I’ve been fuck buddies with for over a decade, on and off. You see where I’m going with this. Are you SURE you were exclusive? It sounds like a stupid question, but I’ve had several women who, after dating them for a month or so, just ASSUME that I’m only dating them. That can get a little awkward to say the least. Chick logic can sometimes get the better of a gal, ya know?

Now having said all that, if the trust has been broken, it can never be fully repaired. You can patch it up. You can forgive. But you can never forget. It will NEVER be the same as before. There will always be that blemish on what could otherwise be a perfect canvas. Only you can decide if you can live with it or not. If the joy he gives you out weighs the pain he has caused and will cause every time you remember his indiscretion. But from my experience, unless there are severe mitigating circumstances, cheating is a character flaw that is not cured over night. It is a tendency that MAY go away after time, usually too late to salvage a current situation. I don’t subscribe to “once a cheater always a cheater”. But I will test a former cheater’s character harder than someone who I have not known to cheat. But I also believe that MOST women and MOST men will cheat at some point in their lives.

If you choose to stay with the cheater, to make it work, you must fully forgive him. Don’t throw it in his face everytime you argue about different things. It’s not “ammunition” you can hold over his head to get your way. You must forgive him completely or your malice will sow it’s own seeds that will destroy the relationship. If you are unwilling or unable to forgive him, it’s best to cut all ties and walk away.

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
To properly answer the question, we have to know what your definition of “cheating” is. I mean, I’ve been in relationships where I could have sex with anyone I wanted as long as my SO was in the room… Did you catch him texting an ex? Did you walk in on him fucking someone? Dirty emails? Smelled like pussy when he got home late drunk? Did your friend’s cousin’s room mate see him at a bar with someone else? Did the PI you hired bring you back video and semen samples? There are different definitions “cheating” as well as different levels of certainty. Both of which must be weighed before advice can be given.

Also, even if the “relationship” was for over a year, was there a conversation about exclusivity? “Someone you had been with” is a little vaugue. Were promises made? For example, I’ve had a few women I’ve been fuck buddies with for over a decade, on and off. You see where I’m going with this. Are you SURE you were exclusive? It sounds like a stupid question, but I’ve had several women who, after dating them for a month or so, just ASSUME that I’m only dating them. That can get a little awkward to say the least. Chick logic can sometimes get the better of a gal, ya know?

Now having said all that, if the trust has been broken, it can never be fully repaired. You can patch it up. You can forgive. But you can never forget. It will NEVER be the same as before. There will always be that blemish on what could otherwise be a perfect canvas. Only you can decide if you can live with it or not. If the joy he gives you out weighs the pain he has caused and will cause every time you remember his indiscretion. But from my experience, unless there are severe mitigating circumstances, cheating is a character flaw that is not cured over night. It is a tendency that MAY go away after time, usually too late to salvage a current situation. I don’t subscribe to “once a cheater always a cheater”. But I will test a former cheater’s character harder than someone who I have not known to cheat. But I also believe that MOST women and MOST men will cheat at some point in their lives.

If you choose to stay with the cheater, to make it work, you must fully forgive him. Don’t throw it in his face everytime you argue about different things. It’s not “ammunition” you can hold over his head to get your way. You must forgive him completely or your malice will sow it’s own seeds that will destroy the relationship. If you are unwilling or unable to forgive him, it’s best to cut all ties and walk away.[/quote]

Solid

[quote]angry chicken wrote:

Now having said all that, if the trust has been broken, it can never be fully repaired. You can patch it up. You can forgive. But you can never forget. It will NEVER be the same as before. There will always be that blemish on what could otherwise be a perfect canvas. Only you can decide if you can live with it or not. If the joy he gives you out weighs the pain he has caused and will cause every time you remember his indiscretion. But from my experience, unless there are severe mitigating circumstances, cheating is a character flaw that is not cured over night. It is a tendency that MAY go away after time, usually too late to salvage a current situation. I don’t subscribe to “once a cheater always a cheater”. But I will test a former cheater’s character harder than someone who I have not known to cheat. But I also believe that MOST women and MOST men will cheat at some point in their lives.

If you choose to stay with the cheater, to make it work, you must fully forgive him. Don’t throw it in his face everytime you argue about different things. It’s not “ammunition” you can hold over his head to get your way. You must forgive him completely or your malice will sow it’s own seeds that will destroy the relationship. If you are unwilling or unable to forgive him, it’s best to cut all ties and walk away.[/quote]

I agree with all this, but would add that even if you don’t bring it up when fighting and truly have processed and forgiven it, when the health/value of the relationship comes into question it will come up in your head: “There’s X current issue and Y current issue, and he’s proven himself capable of cheating and lying.” It further undermines faith when things are shaky for other reasons, even if you believe almost 100% that he wouldn’t do it again.

Be certain there was cheating involded and to what degree, than pack your bags and run away as fast as you can. Never look back, no time to waste. I did the opposite and am still with the person, but it I were to do it again, by all means I would just go away.

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.[/quote]

That sucks.

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.[/quote]

That sucks.

[/quote]

What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.

And yes we were exclusive - I’ve suggested alternatives on several occasions like FWB, polyamory, and so forth but he wasn’t interested in anything other than exclusive. And I clarified the FWB versus relationship on more than one occasion. everything but the sex sucked.

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.[/quote]

That sucks.

[/quote]

What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.

And yes we were exclusive - I’ve suggested alternatives on several occasions like FWB, polyamory, and so forth but he wasn’t interested in anything other than exclusive. And I clarified the FWB versus relationship on more than one occasion. everything but the sex sucked.[/quote]

X1million on shitty timing for the drive.

I know the feeling about wasted time. I had a 5yr + relationship end a couple years ago. That’s a lot of time and energy down the drain.

[quote]ryanbCXG wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.[/quote]

That sucks.

[/quote]

What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.

And yes we were exclusive - I’ve suggested alternatives on several occasions like FWB, polyamory, and so forth but he wasn’t interested in anything other than exclusive. And I clarified the FWB versus relationship on more than one occasion. everything but the sex sucked.[/quote]

X1million on shitty timing for the drive.

I know the feeling about wasted time. I had a 5yr + relationship end a couple years ago. That’s a lot of time and energy down the drain.
[/quote]

Try 25 years.

In retrospect, I saw the issues in the beginning but decided to ignore them and/or thought they would change.

Silly me.

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]ryanbCXG wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]

Did this just happen to you, Beth? :([/quote]

Yup. Same guy who gave me the kimber. we were talking about working things out the last 6 weeks when one of my good buddies advised me yesterday that he’s been seeing some ER nurse for the last 8 months. Fuck. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Separated for good today. He was stuck in the car with me for the hour and a half drive from the Lifeflight event. Perfect timing.[/quote]

That sucks.

[/quote]

What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.

And yes we were exclusive - I’ve suggested alternatives on several occasions like FWB, polyamory, and so forth but he wasn’t interested in anything other than exclusive. And I clarified the FWB versus relationship on more than one occasion. everything but the sex sucked.[/quote]

X1million on shitty timing for the drive.

I know the feeling about wasted time. I had a 5yr + relationship end a couple years ago. That’s a lot of time and energy down the drain.
[/quote]

Try 25 years.

In retrospect, I saw the issues in the beginning but decided to ignore them and/or thought they would change.

Silly me.
[/quote]

Shit that really sucks. I don’t deserve to feel bad lol.

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
Divorce[/quote]
Yep.

I’ve never really thought about the time wasted thing though really (4 years). I mean it’s not like I wasn’t happy for the majority of it. I feel like a significantly better and more capable person for having endured the experience. So time well spent in a way. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way no matter how many people try and teach you.

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
Divorce[/quote]
Yep.

I’ve never really thought about the time wasted thing though really (4 years). I mean it’s not like I wasn’t happy for the majority of it. I feel like a significantly better and more capable person for having endured the experience. So time well spent in a way. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way no matter how many people try and teach you.[/quote]

True.

[quote]theBeth wrote:
What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.
[/quote]

Feeling miserable in a relationship is soul draining.

Better only 2 years then a longer time frame.

[quote]2busy wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
What sucks is I wasted 2 years. Other than that I feel relieved that its finally over. I was miserable.
[/quote]

Feeling miserable in a relationship is soul draining.

Better only 2 years then a longer time frame.[/quote]

Makes me think of the JM article on adrenal fatigue and the life suckers

AWW I AM SO SORRY BETH!!!