T Nation

Can't Stand It Anymore


#41

Yeah, guys can really rip ya up if too vulnerable. I recently questioned my muscle gains cuz of body shaming. However, I do need to gain some more fat to be healthier but it is one day at a time. I eat a ridiculous amount of calories in small meals and get picked on for eating all the time. Hard sometimes not to let it get to me but I ground myself. It takes time for your body to sort itself out. Patience can be tough. I feel bad for anyone that struggles but it can be overcome but very hard to change your mindset when you don’t see yourself for who you are but a distorted image. The disease is so powerful it kills. I really wish they’d teach nutrition more in school. Too many people don’t understand.


#42

Oh sweetie, I’m sorry you’re hurting this way. I would question whether the psychiatrist and therapist you saw really thought there was no problem or whether you were unable to hear what they were saying.

I’m a therapist and a lovely young woman I’d worked with died not long ago in her early 30s. I’m not a specialist in eating disorders and wasn’t going to accept the case because she was so seriously ill, but she’d come home to stay with her parents for a bit and was supposed to return to the city she worked in, where she had a specialist, so I agreed to hold it temporarily. She never went back to the city and her job and ultimately got worse (also drinking a great deal). She went to inpatient treatment and eventually she left against medical advice. She died of complications of anorexia nervosa and alcoholism several months later.

Please keep trying with the therapists and doctors. Ask around. And this is outstanding advice:

Most people with eating disorders need a therapist or psychiatrist more than anything else. I’m sure you can find yourself one. That’s your first priority. Find a damn therapist. Literally as soon as you can.

This isn’t about trainers anymore, nor is it about the gym anymore. You are mentally sick. There’s no sugar coating it, no pussyfooting around anything.

Find a therapist. Preferably a nutritionist alongside of that.

Keep your ass out of the gym, and away from anything that involves exercising for obvious reasons

I’m not sure if you work, but any free time you have needs to be focused around you eating a bit more everyday, and you getting enough sleep

Keep your ass out of the gym

Start saving so that you can keep on top of doctor visits and get a report of your stats to track of yourself and your health.

Keep your ass out of the gym

Develop some sort of safety net. Safe words, safe foods, safe places, safe people you can talk to, etc.

Stay your ass out of the gym.

Be consistent, prioritize, and be honest with yourself.

Again and again in this thread you’ve seen “get a therapist” or “find a doctor to help you.” Although @Chris_Colucci says you’re not getting advice from professionals, in fact you are. I’m a therapist (licensed clinical social worker) and upthread you heard from a psychologist. You’ve heard from trainers, people who get paid for this. Everyone, professional people and people who’ve dealt with this disorder personally, is saying the same thing: you’re not safe. You’re not eating enough. You need help from a professional doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist (all three, ultimately, but you start with finding one). Go more than once. Let them see what’s under the baggy clothes. I was stunned when the weather turned and the girl I mentioned above came in in a short skirt and I was able to see how thin her legs were. I really hadn’t understood the severity.

It’s an addiction. You’ll have to struggle to be honest. But BE HONEST. I believe you’re eating what feels like a lot, but if I ate what you eat (and I’m not overweight) I would start dropping weight immediately.

Oh, and I didn’t read every word, but if the question of why you should stay out of the gym hasn’t been answered it’s because “exercise anorexia” is a thing. The following is from Wikipedia and seems to be cobbled together from various sources - these are not current official diagnoses, however “excessive exercise” is a DSM-IV, ICD-10 symptom of anorexia, and the following absolutely describes what happens when things become compulsive and unhealthy.

Anorexia athletica (sports anorexia), also referred to as hypergymnasia is an eating disorder characterized by excessive and compulsive exercise. An athlete suffering from sports anorexia tends to over exercise to give themselves a sense of having control over their body. Most often, people with the disorder tend to feel they have no control over their lives other than their control of food and exercise. In actuality, they have no control; they cannot stop exercising or regulating food intake without feeling guilty.[1] Generally, once the activity is started, it is difficult to stop because the person is seen as being addicted to the method adopted.

Anorexia athletica is used to refer to “a disorder for athletes who engage in at least one unhealthy method of weight control”.[2] Unlike anorexia nervosa, anorexia athletica does not have as much to do with body image as it does with performance. Athletes usually begin by eating more ‘healthy’ foods, as well as increasing their training, but when people feel like that is not enough and start working out excessively and cutting back their caloric intake until it becomes a psychological disorder.


#43

She is totally right. That is why I tend not to do too much cardio, take off days, etc. your body and health are number one! I didn’t start exercising until at a safe weight. Plz listen to her. Plz because your mind is playing tricks on you!


#44

Thank you, everybody… Really, I’m literally crying now because total strangers, people who are so far away took my problem much more close to their heart then my family or friends…
Thank you very much for every word.
I think I will look for help outside my city, or even country. I have too many problems because of my mind. I understand them all, analysed thousands times, I know all roots of these problems but don’t know what to do next with it.
Because of my head I have amenorrhea, also somth that seems to be like neurogenic bladder (struggling by this issue from 4 years old, non rest, no doctor could ever agree on diagnose and treat me correctly), and anorexia. And everything because think too much, and listen too much what others says about me. Such a ridiculous thing… When did I make this wrong step? When did i go wrong? Why couldn’t I return time? And ehy do i need to change something now if i can’t get back everything i loose? this is like skip a round on a racetrack - then you can ride as fast as you can but you’ll never be on the same track as everybody you’ve started with… This is what make me so depressed, so “notwanttolive” and “hateeveryinchofme”…


#45

You will be able to get back the things you’ve lost! If your head is telling you “it’s too late,” it’s telling you wrong. Many, many athletes and body-conscious women have struggled with this disorder - and came right back after treatment and went on to progress in their healthy goals. You see some right here, posting that they’ve been where you are.

Don’t lose heart. Just take one step at a time. Find someone to help you. That’s all! And then go from there.


#46

As others have said, you have at least one disorder going on here. Obviously it’s very easy for us to say “get help” or “go see a doctor” but the reality is that this probably needs to be one of the top priorities in your life for a long time. You are 10kg under being anywhere near a healthy weight

You have pretty clear depression, which is exacerbating an eating disorder and severe body image issues.

When you look in the mirror and see a round face, we would likely see gaunt and sunken cheeks. When you see a huge meal we see a tiny portion.

This the kind of thing where you would be in a facility for several months if you were in the USA. I hope you can get the help you need because it’s very likely you will not be able to do this on your own because your brain does not interpret reality correctly.


#47

A good friend went here, and they saved her life:

www.rosewoodranch.com/eatingdisordersrecoveryprograms

They are located in Arizona, USA. Their phone number with international calling code is 1-844-335-0872. Call them.

They will have good insight and may be able to recommend financing help. Explain the situation in your country and how you can’t get help there.


#48

So
new therapist told me i have two options: add products to my meal cart and higher calorie income or she will send me to other city of our country to special clinic that treats anorexic girls. I think sexond one is not an option. 'cause once you’ve got the place like that your regab will never end. And I’m sure that atmosphere in there will kill me finally. It’snot the right choice for me.
So what I need now is slowly add back canceled products.
What will be your advices? I was thinking about cottage cheese, but i can’t find an explanation why should i have dairy products with its freaky GI, GL and II in my diet?..


#49

Right now, any food that looks good to you is what you need to eat. You need to eat all three macronutrients, protein, carbohydrates, and healthy fats.

Do you have a favorite food for each group, perhaps chicken or red meat for protein, sweet potatoes and whole grain bread for carbs, and avocados and natural dairy products like butter and cheese for fat? Any fruits and vegetables you like are also good to add right now.

If you need the rehab, don’t be afraid to go. My close friend’s life was saved, and she now eats healthy and also exercises a good amount. The rehab center did not make her need lifelong rehab. Instead, they helped her build a new, healthy relationship with food, exercise, and her body.

Do as your doctor said and eat more. If you cannot eat enough though, take your doctor’s second advice and go to the therapy center.


#50

Anorexia kills! Eat lots of small meals paying attention to macros. You still sound in denial…a hospital may be the way to go


#51

I don’t need rehab
I need right people around and right medication. I believe that everything is in my head. Every day want to buy 5-htp, but afraid i will be scared to use them. I need something, anyway. And you all agree I am in the deepest depression/anxiety mode. So should I put my hopes on 5-htp or it will be better to try something else? What else for example?
Also thank you again for every reply here! If you could (i’m not quiet familiar with this website yet, shame on me) invite some pro and gurus to this page? I would like to hear their honest opinion and critic about my situation. I know in instagram you just put @ and name, but here I’m lost :slight_smile:

Guys, when I’ll recover I promise to bake pizza for everyone :smiley: you don’t even realize how much you’ve been helping me…


#52

The therapy center my friend went to,the one I linked to a earlier, gave her exactly what you need! She was surrounded by optimistic, supportive people who understood her situation. If self-help doesn’t have all you need to get healthy, don’t be afraid to take the next step @itsallaboutfat

We’re happy to encourage you as much as we can! It’s the human condition to see the help that others need more easily than what we ourselves need. It’s easier for us to see you may need in-patient therapy for a little while than for you to see it. We can also see there’s no shame at all in going to a therapy center, just like a patient with heart disease or cancer or Lyme’s disease or any other would go to a speciality clinic for ongoing treatment. If you need a clinic, it’ll be ok!


#53

btw
my entire story start from this (look attached photo). I hated it and still can’t stand it! I’ve never been a normal girl with flat abs. It was so unfair. Really, every girl around me doesn’t have same problem and I always seems like the one who’s puffiest and fattiest even when I was fittest and with finest ass in the group of girls. still, with this awful abs i was look like young mom of 2 kids :frowning:
and now when I start to eat lil bit more i see this “fella”'s coming back. and i’m scared and unhappy! why? why do I have this freak-abs?
year ago photos

month ago ;(

not so skinny as you all assumed here:(


#54

Yes you are as skinny as we assumed. I believe what you are calling abnormal abs, is more of an anterior pelvi tilt problem. You need to work on your back.

And eat! At this point it doesn’t matter WHAT you eat. Just eat food.


#55

You’re burying yourself deeper and deeper into your fuckin illness. Listen, you need serious mental care. I’m not responding anymore because you haven’t accepted youre sick and you’re life isn’t manageable anymore. Get help. I’ve already feel as if I have wasted energy elsewhere


#56

These things that you are hating in the mirror or the comparisons you are making are all in your head. That’s why it’s a disorder . I have never had anorexia , but I’ve got my fair share of mental illnesses and it’s all an illusion . Your brain is lying to you. I’ll just echo whst everyone else is saying that you need professional help so that you can begin to see things in a clearer state of mind


#57

You’re right, you’re even thinner than I feared. I buy chicken feed in bags that weigh more than you do. You are not fat, you are malnourished and starving to death. Good job hiding your protruding hip bones in the last picture.

Everyone has tried being nice and supportive by trying to encourage you to get help. You aren’t grasping the fatal nature of your mental disorder.

I’m here to tell you not to worry. Your stomach will look plenty flat, in your casket. Write your will and get your affairs in order. A casket is where you’re heading if you don’t take steps to fix this problem today. Don’t worry, I’ll have the undertaker air brush some abs on for you.

RIP


#58

And also, OP, I’m here to tell you to actually listen.

You kind of haven’t as far as I can see despite two of us (including myself), who have been through this, try to reason with you.

I’d suggest you log completely off of here, focus on the physical things right in front of you, and your mental and emotional standing.

As it has been said here to an irritating degree, GO GET HELP. If you’re savvy enough, the help will probably cost you less than 50-100$… hell it’ll probably be free.

No, don’t be sorry, don’t apologize, just quit looming around. No ones answers have changed, they probably aren’t going to, and we all understand.


#59

Ive followed this thread and haven’t commented. I know somebody JUST like you…almost exactly the same body and definitely the same mentality.

It’s the hardest thing to do in the world…to GO AGAINST what your own mind is telling you. But you have to disconnect from yourself and trust the outside world looking in, that you are quite literally killing yourself as we speak. The women that you spoke about earlier on in this post with their abs, etc…, all outweigh you by 25lbs or more.
You are wanting to see abs, but you don’t have any because abs are a muscle. Muscles can only grow when you feed your body protein along with carbs, healthy fats and a large amount of vitamins and nutrients. You then, as you feed your body, need to workout and rest to grow the muscles. Everybody puts on fat when they are trying to grow muscles. THAT is when you can start to cut your calories in moderation and start eliminating fat from your body. At that point, there WILL be some abs there for you to see.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to start eating a lot of food and you will (in your eyes) get fatter than you ever wanted to be. I would say that you need to put on at least 10-15lbs before you even do much of anything else in the gym, especially cardio. Focus on learning how to eat, not being afraid to eat…multiple times per day and each meal with at least 20g of protein. Once you can do that consistently, you can then start to lift weights and use that protein you’re eating to gain some muscle. But not until you’ve put on some weight first and gotten your eating under control. Muscles, lifting weights anddoing cardio should ALL be secondary to you at this point. You need to be in crisis mode and trying to fix every aspect of your eating habits, which are catastrophically out of balance.


#60

Thank you for reply but you’re not correct about abs
You see I haven been working out with different trainers even when I have enough fat/muscles as you say I need to have a perfect abs. And I still have this ugly lower abs thing. So only when we cut salt and dairy I start loose this awful creature of my body constitution and with that I also start to loose everything else :slight_smile:
So even with normal weight and actually being fit, I still have that ugly thing. Like I’m pregnant.
I’m still go to gym. 3 times per week but very easy workouts. Don’t like this mode, feel like newbie :frowning:
And my ex trainer (she was champion lots of times in bb and fitness bikini) stopped eating meat. I have my doubts too all the sudden and start to cut down a little bit my poultry intake. Also still waving with carbs. Hate them.
Consider to start using 5-htp. Maybe it will help me to have a better mood and start to move up from lowpoint of my depression.