T Nation

Can't Stand It Anymore


#21

Anytime.

Keep your money sweetheart. You need it more than I do.

How old are you by the way?

I don’t think I can be your mentor. Not because I don’t want to, but because I myself am still learning. In a sense I’m old when it comes to understanding an eating disorder, but in reality I’m just some college kid from Texas. Friendship however, heck yea. You got a friend in me.

And I say not to workout because at the moment it most likely will not do you any sort of justice in terms of starting recovery. You can walk, stretch, maybe swim a bit, ride a bike, but that’s really the extent of it. If that’s really you in your picture, which I believe, you’re going to have to sacrifice something. Either you cut the working out well over half, or you start eating enough to support your activities. Forgive me if I’m getting ahead of myself, but the latter doesn’t seem like something you’re comfortable with, so that’s why I suggest cutting out exercising. Strenuous exercise, to correct myself.

But please, PLEASE do not settle for me as a mentor. I’m not liscened whatsoever.

You can always come to me for the stuff the psychiatrist or therapist can’t relate to though. When I was hospitalized I used to be such a pain for my psychiatrist because I constantly brought up the fact that she hasn’t even been through what I’ve been through. How could she possibly relate? Me thinking like that is what kept me in there unfortunately. Sure she may not have gone through it herself, but she dedicated most of her life to do the best she can’t to understand and to provide me with the tools to help myself, which is why I want you to first find a therapist. At the very least. They will be the ones to lay out basic coping mechanisms, Strategies, nutritional advice tailored specifically to you. Everything text book related. I used to find it rather useless, but it does help if you put the energy into it. And your therapist doesn’t have to be the most expensive one. Search, look at their credentials, and pick one that can show you some compassion.

After that, as I said before you can always talk to me for the down in the trenches type of stuff.


#22

I’m just now seeing this. But I definitely agree. And now I’m starting to panic because I’m legit worried about OP.


#23

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Just stop! Breathe!
Nobody has ever helped themselves from a grave. Besides death by potassium cyanide sounds hideous!

If no one is willing to help you, then you have to help yourself. Dying will NOT accomplish that.

You are all whacked out because your body is starving for nutrients. I am going to guess magnesium is one of them. Are you taking any supplements?

Find at the very minimum a good whole food multi vitamin. Your brain has to have certain nutrients to work properly. Inflammation is a huge factor. Have you tried tumeric?

Now. Why are you afraid of food? Answer honestly? The food itself? Afraid of getting fat? What? Why?
You say you can eat, but are afraid.

How do you see yourself? Fat? Skinny? Healthy?

Were you over weight and did this to get healthier?

You have really given us much to go on.
Except you want help. You need to tell us what EXACTLY you want help with.

Gaining weight? Food phobia? What are your goals?

You CAN fix this! It CAN be done. There are people on here willing too help you.

Sometimes it helps just to be able to say it out loud. You are already on the way to recovery by acknowledging that there is a problem. That’s the hardest part.


#24

No, I don’t take any supplements. I take one pill of Omega 3 in three days… I guess I’m just worrying I’m taking to much fat, because i eat chicken thighs or drumsticks and embarrassed that this is not exactly white meat… So I stopped taking each day pill of Omega three,'cause there is enough fat already in my life with that awful red chicken meat :disappointed: psycho… I know…

Why am I afraid of food? I don’t know. I wasn’t a fat kid, I wasn’t ever fat at all and in my family nobody’s fat despite their food choices (my mother eats spaghetti with bread). I only remember that at elementary school I was taller and more massive (not fat, just bigger then others) and everybody in my class made fun of me. Then I also remember my cousin who has perfect abs her entire life and when she visited us I was always ashamed that I didn’t feel full when we finished our same portions meal. Maaaan… I’m writing it and realize I haven’t any paid attention to these memories until now. I’m such an awful person… I tried to eat as less as she because I wanted to be as lean as she was.
Then I walk a lot and had very busy schedule so I loose a lot of weight and was skinny all the time, with no diet at all. I could eat chocolate biscuits late at night, or huge bowl of grandma’s sweet pies.
But on my first year of university when all girls decided to go to gym, I went with them. They all left in few months and I was the only one who stayed and start to workout really hard. I’ve met my first trainer there and she explain me all basics of healthy food choices. It’s really very long story… I don’t think you want to hear it…
Let’s just say it all leaded to my first amenhorrea. And after recovery, normal eating, office sitting job and hormones I gain weight and start to hate myself again.
It’s been three years now, I can’t eat another way. I know all the bad products, all the avoid to products, and I hate lower abs which genetically more forward then upper abs and I’m doing everything to not see this happened with me again. When I’m on this low point of fat and eat small portion it seems like flat abs, like normal people have. But other times - like I’m pregnant. this is where " i never look at myself in the mirror" comes from.
how do i see myself? awful. not healthy, definitely. i had amazing hair, long hair. and now almost year long i’m loosing it. my skin is very dry. i have no positive mood, i have no excitement to live or to do anything. i’m not working now and don’t know where to start. i’m too stupid. and too old.
you’ve asked about age.
just turn 23. don’t celebrate it either. i’m miserable pathetic weirdo…

food phobia. I accept i have problems, huge problems, but i couldn’t afford to gain weight. i’ll be awful mess with Hulk hands and muffin top belly, with hamster cheeks.


#25

Thank you for answering honestly.

The very first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to others. I cannot express how important this is.

What do you do at the gym? What kind if exercises?

How tall are you? And how much do you weigh right now?

I believe what you see in the mirror and what we are seeing in the photo are two different things. You see an ugly mess. We see a beautiful woman full of potential. Are things perfect right now? No. Can you overcome this? Yes!

The fact that you understand what you are doing isn’t healthy is a huge start. I can promise you that you are not eating too much fat. Despite what some lame ass trainer told you, fat does not make you fat! It is essential to your body, and hormone production. There is nothing wrong with chicken legs and thighs. If that is the part you like, it’s okay! There is literally nobody policing the consumption of dark meat chicken.

Food is not the enemy! You even said yourself, you used to eat chocolate biscuits and sweet pies and didn’t get fat. So, you know you can eat these things.

Your body is literally eating itself to stay alive.
You have to give it another source of fuel…food!

At this point you MUST consume more calories than your body is burning. There is no other way to fix this.

You said you like espresso. How much do you drink in a day?

How many meals do you eat in day?


#26

i’m sorry i’ve disappeared… it’s been tough life here, in my country so i left for brighter present to another country.
couldn’t stop workout, hadn’t enough money to ate enough protein, mostly greens/salads/cabbage… so, loose more weight…
right now i’m 168 heigh and 41,6 kg
doctor begging me to stop my workouts at least for two weeks but i can’t. i have already loose almost all muscles and if i’ll stop there will be nothing at all :frowning:
i keep eating same amount of buckwheat (40-70gr non boiled dry grain), less meals(like 3 times a day), less appetite and no energy at all. sometimes i’m so tired i’m physically can’t stand the idea of chewing anything…
guys, please, what should i do?
my trainer tells me to add back dairy products but he cant explain why so i doubt his competence… and still (see how foolish i am) continue my non salt lifestyle he adviced.


#27

Get another trainer that you can trust?


#28

How can you not afford food but can afford a trainer?

Get your priorities straight.


#29

Omg. I am brand new here this is the first topic. You need to realize it’s time to see a dr. Your body needs fuel and will go after everything including your organs if you continue down this dark path of destruction. Nobody should torture themselves. Seriously I am 5 3 and was 83 lbs…visited an eating disorder website cuz was happy I’d gotten up to 100, and another person responded oink oink pig pig…I totallly was floored but thankful. That mind set isn’t healthy and you have to get on track. But first see a dr cuz you want to take it in baby steps. Your body is fragile. Please take care of yourself because nobody else can.


#30

No, if you continue you’ll have nothing at all because you are going to die!
I am pretty sure at this point any calories you ingest are good calories. If you like dairy then do it!
You want advice to change but, you don’t want to follow it.

You have to change something if you want a different result, period! You can not keep doing what you are doing and expect a different result. It’s impossible.


#31

Damn straight! You will die. Eating disorders kill! FACT! Your life is not a game, it is real. Plus, do you really want to sound like a weak sorry pathetic girl? You are the only one who can choose to get better. Why are you seeking advice on this forum when you really don’t seem to want to get better? Literally, it’s all in your head! You can change. As master Yoda says “do or do not, there is no try” sorry this comment is a little harsh, but you’re killing yourself! Why?


#32

because i think i deserve it. i hate myself, and can’t respect myself for anything.
my dear friends. I saw doctors, a lot of them, but they didn’t help me. This problem isn’t popular in ukraine (yes, i’m from ukraine), so. obody knows how to treat correctly disorders like this one.
i want to stay in this shape: with shreded arms and abs, but also want to return normal butt and legs, some energy and desire to live. at leadt to stop hair loss :smiley:
i need a good trainer but most of them self-educated, and seriously don’t know how to write workout programs for specific types of women (or for pathetic girls:) ).
this is why im writing here. this forum is full by qualified professionals and real hard thinking people, who have a lot of experience and knowledges about this specific issue.
i hope someone from here could advice me a doctor or a professional trainer(who familiar with problems like this and how to work with it) or someone who could actually take me under his/her wing and help to fight this devil inside…
sounds more patheuc then before, so sorry in advance
and thank you a lot for all replies, for each word! THANK YOU
until i have replies here i know im not alone…


#33

Seriously, cmon, youtre better than that. I never saw one dr over my eating disorder. I was skin and bones and ignored everyone’s advice for a good five years of wasted life. I wanted to die. Fuck, if I would laugh in your face if you asked me to train you. You are so skinny you could die. I saw a pregnant women who was anorexic…shocked the hell outta me how sick her disease was and my husbanded pleaded with me to get better. But he didnt help me, he made fun of each and every rib. Finally, I had enough and did not try to exercise on a malnourished body, but began eating slowly. And letting go!!! Do you know how many thousands of dollar are wasted on eating disorders and is so mind bogggling cuz so irrational. From all your posts your craving attention I can see. But people don’t get eating disorders so your not gonna get understandings. I’ve been down your path of self destructive behavior. Of course you hate your body, I do, too. It called anorexia, and you need to accept that you have an illness. Bottom line you are too sick to work out. Probably cold all the time, missed periods, etc. those are all signs your body isn’t ok. So many people have offered you advice, why cuz just cuz you can’t see it is very real. No trainer can help…you have to accept you have an eating disorder and fucking doing something about it. YOU have to let go of it’s power over you. But I don’t know you so I don’t know how delusional and/or weak you are. If you really wanna die keep on that path, it won’t affect me just a further reminder of how much of a self righteous person I was. Prolly help me grow from your weakness. I wear my muscle as well as my body fat 24x7. As I said it is an illness. You either take your “medicine” like a good girl or get laughed at at the gym. Guys can be quite cruel. One of my ex boyfriends saw me at a party and said wtf you look repulsive, do you have cancer, are you ok, is there anything, I can do to help. I blew him off because I looked that way by choice. He just wanted to help. But I still hear repulsive in my ears if I have a day when I don’t feel like eating enough. I’m still in recovery and always will. But seriously it’s all in your head not trainers. Food doesn’t have to be expensive. Try a banana and an egg for breakfast with some milk. Baby steps. But anyways I hope you listened because you’ll never get acceptance because your illness isn’t rational!


#34

And never say sorry because you are lying and that’s disrespectful to others. You’re not listening! So sorry is gibberish to someone who tries to help. Eat small meals and get healthy then start working out. Have someone take your shoes away. Oh, heck I’m sure you’re anorexia got ruffled by my words of pathetic. But that’s what it is. You can be better than that. Unless you thrive on being a victim, and your using up other people’s time and energy and that’s pathetic too.


#35

Eat some cake and listen to your doctor


#36


#37

that’s not true. I really mean it. I am sorry for all time you spent on my issues and I’m very thankful to everyone for being kind and giving me advice.

I know it’s an illness. And I try to do my best. But what I can’t is stop see myself more beautiful in a skinny body in the face then in healthy one. I hate my cheeks and round face. When I’m in normal weight (with regular menses, healthy thick hair, and energy), I’m like a centaur. This is my body type. Very Venera, hourglass type of body, and my ex-boyfriend shamed me for it even though I was in perfect weight for my heigh, and without any cellulite and fat…

Craving for attention… No! My thing is another one. I always feel guilty and that I’m not deserving to be loved. And that I don’t have anything that I can be loved for. Even now I’m typing and feel guilty for my awful English grammar…

I eat a lot of veggies. salads, poultry, eggs and buckwheat (60 gr not boiled). Isn’t it enough you think? I’m not starving, I haven’t any fasting days. What correction to this diet should I add? Include dairy again? But who can explain me what for? With GL and II of it, I don’t think it’s neseccery products for recovery…


#38

Sigh, it’s a real illness. Umm nope that’s not enough food. It takes 3500 extra calories to gain a lb and then you workout. I’m a trash compactor. I eat every two three hours and take kasein with oats and berries before bed. I’ve been in your shoes trust me. I’m just giving you advice for what worked for me. I don’t weigh myself, I hardly look in the mirror and stop trying to control my body. You have a very serious mental illness that I’m trying to tell you to accept and live life free of calorie counting. It will KILL you! I lost years of sanity dealing with it. Treat food as medicine and let your body heal. At first your body won’t know what to do and you retain water and then the weirdness of different parts of your body changing and having to donate clothes because you want to be healthy. It’s hard to change your mindset, but you have to accept you will always not look good in the mirror because you are mentally ill. So, stop looking at yourself. Stop torturing yourself because life is too short to be so caught up in self destructive behaviors. I really hate being harsh, but I don’t think you realize you are sick. You are killing yourself for that voice inside. Well it’s lying to you. I know if I let myself get stressed I tend to not want to eat, but I won’t let it win. You have to want something bad enough to change. Isn’t your life worth it? You are in a crisis and really should see a dr or therapist and not a trainer. Any dr from a gynecologist to a psychiatrist can help if you want it.


#39

You really need more help than the people here can give you. You’re not getting advice from professionals, you’re getting advice from what a few people have been through and some opinions from other people.

You really need to find more appropriate help. Try here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

Or here: http://www.anad.org/get-help/

Or here: https://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/portal/getting-help

Those sites have different ways to talk to actual qualified professionals, either in chat rooms, by e-mail, or over the phone.


Water Retention or Super Fast Gaining Fat?
#40

Pretty sure this is the root of the problem.