T Nation

Can't Stand It Anymore


#1

i’m on cutting diet for more then 3 years. without any rest of workouts and cheatmeals. my brain is killing me.
last year my trainer canceled dairy, since then i totally loose taste to anything. literally i don’t want eat anything, i don’t feel that passion, when you desire to eat something. i’m just simply put food inside and then hate myself.
i switch my trainer to another one and he suggested to try dairy products again
but you know what, sweethearts? i can’t. i know i will not feel any satisfaction from that kefir or feta so what’s for to ruin my “perfect” diet?..
i know that most of people here have been in bb, fitness and sport at all for a very long time. i’m sure some of you have felt something familiar before. how did you survive through it?
i haven’t had my periods for a year now, i’m loosing hair and my anxiety make me want to kill myself everyday. but i can’t stop working out and can’t eat other products…
right now i’m doubting turkey skinless tight because it seems for me like in my diet i have a lot of read meat…
i can’t help myself and hope to hear at least something useful here…
please


#2

Fire your trainer and go see a real doctor. Hair loss is a sign of malnutrition. NO ONE should cut for three years, it is extremely unhealthy. You are damaging your physical and mental health. Get help now!


#3

Im really sorry to hear what you are going through right now. Like ryno said please get rid of your trainer and see a doctor and see what they can do for you. Merry Christmas by the way

Il tag @planetcybertron , she may be able to offer you some advice or something idk but im not much use.


#4

i saw tons of doctor till this date, they haven’t been useful :frowning:
right now my diet simply green veggies, buckwheat (60-70g uncooked), chicken, sometimes squid or lowfat fish, eggs, olive oil, rarely zuccini, cabbage, sometimes pumpkin and flax seed (for healthy fats). i think that’s all.
lot of espresso.
i don’t eat sugar for a very long time too :slight_smile:


#5

Try eating a bit more. Since youv pretty much been starving yourself for three years its going to take a while but slowly work your way up to three solid decent sized meals a day. Take it slowly. I know its hard but to better your mental and physical helath you cant cut anymore (you’re not supposed to eat super super super small amounts of food to the point you get malnutritioned anyway) thats not how cutting works.3 years is really not good for you.(when you get back to a helathy state and want to compete in bodybuilding then maybe cut ( cut correctly) if you desire but not for like three years) Sugars ok and natural sugars like bananas and stuff is good for you, heck enjoy a donut ( unnatural sugars) every now and then if u like. Also your trainer is an idiot, if ur eating foods u dont want to eat and feeling miserable then stuff them. Eat dairy if you want to etc and get that passion for food back-but dont go over the top . Also try to eat in moderation.

Hope this article helps.


#6

What you are describing is a serious medical issue.

Please seek the advice of a physician, and ask for referrals to a counselor with experience treating eating disorders.

This isn’t an issue that can be solved in an online forum. You’ll need to be able to talk face to face with an experienced professional. Your health is worth it. Sincerely.

My best to you.

Puff


#7

Believe me I tried!
it’s awfully expensive in my country, but i’ve tried hard. they just wasn’t helpful…
maybe you know someone who can help me online?
i’m not sure i’m ready, but i reached that point where i can’t resist anymore that this is ruining me and i’m not able to help myself.
i’m afraid of food.
i don’t eat small portions, live above person suggested. I eat a lot of salad and can eat tons of chicken. But no satisfaction, only shame. And thinking what and when will be next meal, and that I should eat smaller size of salad and less protein…
so sorry in advance, dear people…


#8

First off, do you even want to get better? Because the way you speak, it sounds like you kind of don’t.

Try harder

Try harder

This is your life we’re talking about here. You’re never going to be ready. Get that notion of “readiness”, out of your head.

Most anorexics and bulimics are. Believe me. It’s not even the food itself, it’s the control or lack thereof that’s centered around eating or not eating the food. You’re afraid. That’s okay. Be afraid. In the midst of all that fear, open your mouth, put food in it, eat it, and repeat.

And? When it comes to THE most basic and natural human function which is eating, it doesn’t matter what you want. You don’t have to feel any “passion”, or “desire” to eat. You just eat because it’s blatantly obvious what happens when you don’t.

Your diet isn’t perfect in terms of nutritional value. It’s perfect in terms of your ability to see just how many calories you can deny yourself of.

You can’t afford medical help. Okay. Essentially all they’re going to do is try to force feed you, and hook up a crap ton of monitors to see how you’re doing. What the hospital does and charges you thousands of dollars for, you can essentially do yourself for free.

Most people with eating disorders need a therapist or psychiatrist more than anything else. I’m sure you can find yourself one. That’s your first priority. Find a damn therapist. Literally as soon as you can.

This isn’t about trainers anymore, nor is it about the gym anymore. You are mentally sick. There’s no sugar coating it, no pussyfooting around anything.

  1. Find a therapist. Preferably a nutritionist alongside of that.

  2. Keep your ass out of the gym, and away from anything that involves exercising for obvious reasons

  3. I’m not sure if you work, but any free time you have needs to be focused around you eating a bit more everyday, and you getting enough sleep

  4. Keep your ass out of the gym

  5. Start saving so that you can keep on top of doctor visits and get a report of your stats to track of yourself and your health.

  6. Keep your ass out of the gym

  7. Develop some sort of safety net. Safe words, safe foods, safe places, safe people you can talk to, etc.

  8. Stay your ass out of the gym.

  9. Be consistent, prioritize, and be honest with yourself.

Forgive me if I’m not particularly nice about this type of thing, but this ain’t something i take lightly. (Edit: why? Because I spent over a decade going through the exact same thing). At all. I’m glad you’ve noticed there’s a problem so early on, which is one step in the right direction.

This isn’t rocket science. I hope you know that. And you can fix yourself and recover from this if and only if you want to. If you don’t want to, or if you’re going to make excuses, don’t bother, because you cannot, CANNOT, try
to rationalize or compromise your health. You’re trying
hard. Good. Try harder. And after that try some more, and then when you’ve tried even more than that, try harder.


#9

From what it sounds like OP has a mental disorder. I’ve had people close to me develop mental disorders such as depression. Saying things like “try harder” never helped, although you mean well. Op needs to see a medical professional, because I believe that when she looks in the mirror, she sees something completely different from what we see.

Edit: That being said, depression and anorexia are completely different things, and maybe it is possible to “will” yourself out of it. Perhaps someone with more experience can chime in.


#10

sigh

I know that. I’m not saying this because I don’t understand, I’m saying this because I spent 14 years in OPs shoes.

And most people don’t accept it, but when it comes to recovering from an eating disorder, once you’ve identified if you have depression, or anger issues, or bipolar disorder, or anxiety, the next step in it’s simplistic form is actually eating. Which is why I said her first priority is finding a therapist or psychiatrist.

That’s why you’ve got women of every age never even seeing the likes of recovery because stage two warrants will power more than anything else.

Anorexia/Bulimia and depression aren’t all that different in the mental aspect, but an eating disorder is a physical manifestation of whatever is bothering someone. The food restriction, throwing up, over exercising are just the symptoms of whatever is going on inside. That’s why I noted once you’ve begun fixing the mental issues, “trying harder” to eat is literally just that. Trying harder and harder to eat.

I don’t say that just to watch myself type, I say it because i went through it. I may not be a doctor, but I think I’ve had enough “experience” to say a thing or two.


#11

I wasn’t questioning your ability to provide good feedback. I was pointing out that from my experience with close friends with depression, telling someone to “snap out of it” or “try harder” was useless, and in many cases had the opposite effect of what was intended. That being said, you obviously have been through the same situation as op so you’re in the best position to provide advice as far as I’m concerned.


#12

Okay.

Okay scratch that. I’m getting upset, and there’s no need to.

I’m not saying you’re questioning my ability to do anything. Even if you were, you can question it all day, fine by me. it just irritates me, specially, on this specific subject, when people equate what I say, to me being someone who completely does not understand. And I apologize if I came off as completely unsympathetic.

What I typed to OP could be viewed as tough love. In a sense.


#13

To add to this, while we can’t solve this issue, we are here to support you 100 percent!


#14

There will be people who can help you over the internet. Ultimately, you may need face to face help but initially someone can work with you online.

Just watch out for scammers. Make sure you talk to someone with good qualifications, a medical degree and a history of successfully getting people better. There’s too much opportunity for someone to exploit you, so be careful who you engage with.


#15

Erm…that wasnt what I was implying. I guess looking back my first post was a reply to you but it was more my general 2 cents on the topic.


#16

You are going to die. I can guarantee that 100%. It will either be many years from now from something else, or in 2018/19 from complications with starvation.

I’ve known a few women with eating disorders. My sister nearly died. She lost a kidney and her teeth/bones started to demineralize. When you starve long enough your body starts metabolising your organs. Luckily her body started with the kidneys and she has 2. Some people aren’t so lucky.

Everyone is telling you to get help, they’re right. I don’t know why you put your cry for help on an internet forum where people can’t actually help you, but I can guess. Eating disorders rarely present alone. There’s usually depression and anxiety disorders at work as well. I’d lay money that you don’t want help because you don’t feel like you’re worth it. You are. The best shrink in the world can’t help you until you decide you want to be better and put in work to get there.

I hope you die, 75 years from now. Surrounded by 3 generations of your progeny. Good luck.


#17

wow… such a powerful message… Thank you a lot, really.
only one question… why can’t i keep workout? why stay out of the gym?

You’re really have some power to speak right to the person’s soul :slight_smile:smile: Could you be my mentor? Kind of a joke, but really… It will mean a lot for me and as you mentioned before you’ve got this kind of experience in your life so it’ll be easier for you to understand me and for me to explain you everything.
I will save money and pay you for it :smile:


#18

Thank you.
I’ve seen a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, they couldn’t help. It was really expensive sessions, but I think in my country this field of science all about money.
A best psychiatrist in my city told me that he would not prescribe me any medication 'cause he didn’t see a problem there. So here we are. I’m in deep depression, I hate me everyday and my body, I don’t see any bright future for me and wish I were dead every day of my life. Even when I went to church (don’t believe in it anymore), I was praying for death in sleep.
You’re all wrong in one thing. I’m not in starvation mode. Really, I’m scared about size of my portion. I can eat a lot of meat, more then 120 gr. I can eat entire bowl of salad + my buckwheat portion. I can eat buckwheat, two eggs, chicken and salad. Could you imagine? And i have 3-4 meals a day. It’s not a starvation at all. But I enjoying times when I’m close to this mode - I feel proud when I eat small portions, like normal humans. This is why I’m here. I’m dead inside and now I’m start to dead from outside.
I have a willpower to restricting things from my life, but i haven’t any power to start to love myself and find any reason for me to live for…

So sorry in advance, dear everybody, for bothering you.
This is New Year’s eve. I’m home alone, I don’t want to celebrate and looking where to buy potassium cyanide


#19

In which country do you live?


#20

@chris_colucci

Not sure what the protocal is here. I’m not sure if your’re allowed to trace her IP and put in an anonymous tip with the right people. This is more serious than our usual “the people on the internet are mean” type of flagged post. Thought this deserved your attention.