Some Canadian humor.
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: “You American folk eat the whole bread?”
American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)“We don’t. In Canada,
we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America.” The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread??”
American: “Of Course.”
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
“We don’t. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America.”
The American then asks: “Do you have sex in Canada?”
Canadian: “Why of course we do”, the Canadian says with a big mirk.
American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
Canadian: “We throw them away, of ourse.”
American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada.”
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”
You Know You’re Canadian When:
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u’s from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
You’ve plugged a car in overnight.
You’ve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don’t own a gun.
Clyde the newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and Said “Nope, ain’t Clyde.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said “Yup, he’s burnt
real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said “No, it ain’t Clyde.”
The mortician asked "How can you tell? Zeke said “Well, Clyde had two
assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to
town, folks would say “Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.”
By the way, what the hell is a newfie?