T Nation

Calling All Husbands and Significant Others

Too true. Suck that is has to be that way. I dont feel that way. I could fuck everyday but not her.

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Are you a freaking counselor? After we fight, she does increase her efforts then after a while, everything returns back to the status quo.

Feed her a few drinks.

Alcohol has a super powerful hormonal effect on women. And it takes effect in under 40 minutes.

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Been married for almost 3 years been together over a decade and all this sounds extremely childish and ridiculous to me.

I do most of the cleaning, cooking, etc and I do it because I want to do it. When I feel under appreciated for doing so, I tell her, we talk it out and back to normal. Sex is about the lowest thing for me. Both of us are stressed to the gills as of late and I just need a best friend and a wife, not a booty call.

Start doing things FOR your wife because YOU want to make her life better. Make sure she feels appreciated as well and tell her when you aren’t feeling appreciated yourself. Don’t come online to talk to dudes who have no idea of your situation or you personally about issues that could be easily worked out between the two of you.

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Oh yeah, she gets super horny when she drinks and she used to be a big drinker a few years ago but she drinks rarely now.

Trust me, we have worn this subject out. Even been to counseling. I came here to get some different perspective from guys I’ve shared my life with although its online. I’m not a kid, 54 years old. Previous marriage was 28 years long. BUT my outlook has changed. Life is way too short to stay in place where I’m unhappy.

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Fair enough. Sorry about the hostility. Been on one lately here it seems. Still, I find it very strange about wanting sex twice a day in exchange for doing normal husband/father things. I don’t know your situation again, but I do know that doing things because you want something rather than doing them because you want to is a road that needs to be less traveled.

Again, I apologize for coming off rude and understand more so where you’re coming from

No worries brother. I knew I’d get some blowback. I appreciate your comment.

Understand this too. I just feel that the balance in the marriage isnt even and I guess it makes me frustrated. My wife was a single mom for 18 years and is a very strong and independent woman and that is probably the basis of our issues.

I knew that throwing 2, 50 year old people together would be hard but not this hard.

I went through something similar and it boiled down to she felt like a piece of meat. Everything has changed now and I turn her down and I hardly get turned down lol.

I’d say go to counseling but you said you went. Who knows.

She has mentioned this before. I guess I thought it would be flattering to her to be wanted so often.

It can make someone feel reduced to just their reproductive organs. As though you don’t want to be with THEM, the person, only their body.

I’m sure you’d discover the reverse applying to. If you NEVER pursued her, she’d feel slighted, and deservedly so. But if it’s only ONE thing you want, that can feel hurtful.

Sometimes it’s nice to say “I did all the chores and made us a great meal: let’s watch a movie together tonight and spend time with each other”

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I do that, but it would be nice for her to initiate

Not a husband, but…

Have you asked her how much she would like ideally? I’d be curious to hear her dream scenario, and more importantly whether you’ve asked about it. Which goes back to having a conversation, not a fight.

I feel wanted when I get a big bear hug and a “god, I love you.” I feel wanted when I hear how pretty I am, unless it’s rote, then less so. I feel really wanted when I hear how sexy I am during sex, and in the aftermath how much I’m loved. I feel wanted when he plays absently with one of my curls, or sort of takes them in his hands, like they’re cool and interesting, or traces my butt without going any further (as I’m going to sleep, say), then maybe pulls me close. It’s the sexy stuff without expectation of sex, I guess, that really makes me feel desired for me.

Getting humped while I’m trying to take a roast out of the oven? Less so. Score-keeping not at all, because that would just call to mind all the tedious shit I do to keep our world running.

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You’ve got to figure out what needs you aren’t meeting of hers, then you’ll have more sex than you could want. Maybe she doesn’t care about dishes and chores.

Google love language test. Y’all both sit down and take that honestly, separately lol and go over the answers in detail together. Women are mean and don’t like to tell you how they want to be loved, they just want you to read their mind and then get mad when you don’t.

In fairness, we’re observing a critique about not wanting to be the one to initiate intimacy on the other side. It goes both ways.

“I don’t want to tell you I want sex: I want you to WANT to have sex with me.”

“I don’t want to tell you how I want to be loved: I want you to WANT to love me the way I want to be loved.”

No one likes to ask.

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Das right.

Stud, y’all both take that love language test and talk about your answers. Google her top 2 languages on things you can do to get ideas. Try that for a month, fulfilling all of those needs and wants on her love language and see where it gets you. If that doesn’t work then…

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The love languages book is a good resource. I think @EmilyQ suggested it on here years ago and it’s definitely been insightful.

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I don’t know, 3 times a week seems like high-average to me, which means nothing if it’s half what you want, of course, but just for perspective. @wanna_be I offer the love languages to couples all the time, but “she’ll be so wet you won’t know what to do”? No.

Here’s a bit from an NBC news thing, again, just for perspective:

How often do the happiest couples have sex? (It’s less than you think)

Once a week is “just right” for sexual happiness, according to a study. But there’s no magic formula.

Feb. 14, 2018, 10:00 AM EST

By Wendy Rose Gould

Excerpt:

Regarding sex — and how much we “should” be having — Levkoff says there’s no ‘normal,’ and that all relationships are different. “Normal” is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your partner, and communication plays a key role in making sure both parties feel fulfilled.

That said, a 2017 study that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week. This is less sex, by about nine per year, compared to a similar study done in the 1990s. Interestingly, though, another study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science — which surveyed over 30,000 Americans over 40 years for three different projects — discovered that a once weekly frequency was the Goldilocks standard for happiness. Couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.

I stopped reading here. I did not say that. It sounds like his wife never wants it… I said maybe if he can figure out how she wants to be treated and then treat her like that, she would be a lot happier and more into sex. From what I’ve seen sex with woman is everything Mental.

You learn how a woman truly wants to be treated, and you treat her that way with genuine sincerity, and your life is bliss.

I’d also like to say 3 times a week is not enough. My wife nor I would want it only 3 times a week.

In fairness, THAT is actually what you said.