T Nation

Bush's Resume

The Resume of George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
Education & Experience

  1. Law Enforcement
  • I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver?s license suspended for 30 days.
  • My Texas driving record has been ?lost? and is not available.
  1. Military
  • I joined the Texas Air National Guard and then went AWOL.
  • I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
  • By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
  1. College
  • I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
  • I was a cheerleader.
  1. Past Work Experience
  • I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
  • I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn?t find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after. I sold all my stock.
  • I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
  • With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor of Texas.

Accomplishments As Governor Of Texas

  • I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
  • During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
  • I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
  • I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
  • With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father?s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

Accomplishments As President Of The United States

  • I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
  • I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
  • In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
  • I?m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My ?poorest millionaire,?Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
  • I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
  • I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
  • My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
  • My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
  • More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has
    been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate crimes in history.
  • I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
  • I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
  • I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
  • I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history
    of the United States government.
  • I?ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
  • I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
  • I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
  • I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. ?prisoners of war? detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
  • I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
  • I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
  • I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
  • I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World TradeCenter attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
  • I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
  • I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
  • I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
  • I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families-in-wartime.
  • In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
  • I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
  • I am supporting the development of a nuclear ?Tactical Bunker Buster,? a WMD.
  • I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

Records & References

  • All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father?s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
  • All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

http://matthewgood.org/2006/09/whats-on-your-cv/

kinda puts things in perspective, don’t it?

Proud of the boy.

I know that this is meant to be a sobering look at the incompentency of the president, but I found the part about not being able to find oil in texas very funny. I hope he finds sand in iraq.

What a funny post.

A lot of the time I found myself calling bullshit, for example the smogification of texas thing.

Last time I checked, One guy doesn’t make all the fucking smog in a city. And, as a point of reference, the reason LA isn’t the smoggiest city is due very largely to measures the people of LA have taken to reduce it via hybrid cars and whatnot. I suppose it’s Bush’s fault that Texans like pick-ups, huh?

And this is just the beginning, I could go on all day about how much amusing half-relevant BS your post was. Good for a giggle, sure, but truthfully very weak/pointless.

I imagine that Bush’s presidency will be most noteworthy in a historical sense for his actions in securing the second-largest oil fields in the entire world at a time when the nation he was the steward for faced a time of great uncertainty and critical dependence upon oil before the world’s oil supply peaked in 2020.

The rest of your post could be useful for a Dennis Miller-style monologue that no one will understand in twenty or thirty years.

Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.

[quote]Ren wrote:
Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.[/quote]

They sucked then - and they still suck. Blaming him for the Rangers’ plight is stupidity.

[quote]rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.

They sucked then - and they still suck. Blaming him for the Rangers’ plight is stupidity. [/quote]

Nowhere did I blame him for them sucking, anywhere. I know they paid like a gazillion dollars for A-Rod I think a few years ago? And that’s really all I know about the Rangers.

Several of you have mentioned that there are some satements in the post that are “not entirely relevant”. I believe the author included those points as a comedic way to further illustrate Bush’s incompetency.

I found myself laughing at it, partly because it IS humorously written, but I think also as a coping mechanism to prevent me from breaking down and CRYING about it.

If any of you has any REAL claim of BS on ANY of the points, by all means, post a link. …but arguments like “one man didn’t make all the smog in texas” are complete bullshit - he obvioiusly changed the environmental regulations, the result of which was more pollution.

And since none of you have really been able to refute or excuse any of it so far, do us all a favor, and ask yoursleves if you REALLY suppor this idiot and those who put him in charge of our ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY!?

[quote]Ren wrote:
rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.

They sucked then - and they still suck. Blaming him for the Rangers’ plight is stupidity.

Nowhere did I blame him for them sucking, anywhere. I know they paid like a gazillion dollars for A-Rod I think a few years ago? And that’s really all I know about the Rangers.

[/quote]

Part of his resume is that he ran the Rangers into the ground. My point was - they have been run into the ground since they joined the American League. No one should be blamed for the level of suckiness the Rangers have attained.

SOme teams just suck - regardless who the owners are.

[quote]lothario1132 wrote:
What a funny post.

A lot of the time I found myself calling bullshit, for example the smogification of texas thing.

Last time I checked, One guy doesn’t make all the fucking smog in a city. And, as a point of reference, the reason LA isn’t the smoggiest city is due very largely to measures the people of LA have taken to reduce it via hybrid cars and whatnot. I suppose it’s Bush’s fault that Texans like pick-ups, huh?

And this is just the beginning, I could go on all day about how much amusing half-relevant BS your post was. Good for a giggle, sure, but truthfully very weak/pointless.

I imagine that Bush’s presidency will be most noteworthy in a historical sense for his actions in securing the second-largest oil fields in the entire world at a time when the nation he was the steward for faced a time of great uncertainty and critical dependence upon oil before the world’s oil supply peaked in 2020.

The rest of your post could be useful for a Dennis Miller-style monologue that no one will understand in twenty or thirty years.[/quote]

Lothario,

You’re not supposed to discuss the “let’s use 9/11 to make a quick grab for the oil-fields” with outsiders.

And I wouldn’t call the Iraqi oil fields secure.
Have you watched the news lately? Read any newspapers perhaps (I know, they are not very popular in your circles).

[quote]rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.

They sucked then - and they still suck. Blaming him for the Rangers’ plight is stupidity.

Nowhere did I blame him for them sucking, anywhere. I know they paid like a gazillion dollars for A-Rod I think a few years ago? And that’s really all I know about the Rangers.

Part of his resume is that he ran the Rangers into the ground. My point was - they have been run into the ground since they joined the American League. No one should be blamed for the level of suckiness the Rangers have attained.

SOme teams just suck - regardless who the owners are. [/quote]

THAT, being a Padres fan, I will concede.

[quote]rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
rainjack wrote:
Ren wrote:
Bush owned the Rangers at one point? I did not know that.

Some of that stuff is funny though, and not totally relevant, while some of it is.

They sucked then - and they still suck. Blaming him for the Rangers’ plight is stupidity.

Nowhere did I blame him for them sucking, anywhere. I know they paid like a gazillion dollars for A-Rod I think a few years ago? And that’s really all I know about the Rangers.

Part of his resume is that he ran the Rangers into the ground. My point was - they have been run into the ground since they joined the American League. No one should be blamed for the level of suckiness the Rangers have attained.

SOme teams just suck - regardless who the owners are. [/quote]

Ah, you see, I just read that he owned them, and thought that was cool. I mean, I’ve only been in the country for 7 years and I am sure it was before that. I also don’t give a damn about baseball, cept for the Reds, occasionally.

[quote]Wreckless wrote:
Lothario,

You’re not supposed to discuss the “let’s use 9/11 to make a quick grab for the oil-fields” with outsiders.[/quote]

I thought it would be obvious to anybody with half a brain that 9/11 was the wake up call for us to get off our asses and take care of shit that we should have taken care of ten years previously. Saddam should have been taken down back 1991.

[quote]And I wouldn’t call the Iraqi oil fields secure.
[/quote]

I’m sorry, so Saddam is still using the Oil For Food program in collusion with the UN officials he bribes to make billions of dollars every year, stockpile weapons, develop long range missile systems, pursue WMD development, etc.? I would consider the Iraqi oil fields just about as secure as any oil field can be… but that’s just me, I guess. What ISN’T secure is the Iraqi population itself. We are still working on that, but this problem is more internal to them and there’s not much we can do but try to avoid getting killed and make sure that any armed conflict is kept to a minimum. Patrols and such.

Don’t you watch the news? I mean, it’s not like you have to read anything to know this stuff. :slight_smile: