More and more epiphanies too. Wednesday! Its been great that this is coming together!
Dissolve, dissolve, dissolve this issue.
I had been beating myself in a way that it was taking me so long. The more I read about things , the advice is reliably “let it go”, " move on". No.
The issue was not going to go away, that is why it is ( hopefully was, more “was” everyday) still circling like a track in my mind. The issue was a symptom - not the core problem. I was the problem.
This will not be necessarily something you can follow but I’m writing it anyways because it helps me. Nothing is a magical accident when it comes to my personal life. That is the truth. Things that are bad that happened did for a reason and I am part of that. I’m at least half of it. The reason is a core problem that I did not figure out until last year with the Self Authoring exercise. Its not some coincidence the bad parts of my life happened, it was me.
I think in reality the person I am mad at lately is myself. I let myself down. I did not defend myself when I KNEW what was going on was an insult to me. I let it pass by multiple times. I saw the signs multiple times. That does not take away any blame from the person who said the things they did and did the things they did to put me down any less of a fucking asshole. I am so mad I didn’t act how I knew I needed to.
I regret that I did not defend myself soon enough. I regret not only that I did not take the opportunity to right a wrong, I did not do my DUTY to my own self confidence to tell a mother fucker off like they rightly deserved. I just stood there while injustice happened. I let it happen.
I SAW it happen, and I didn’t the right thing about it. I let some fantasy story play in my mind of “this really isn’t what it is , is it?” play. I over estimated someones level of value for me big time. That was conceded of me. I did myself a massive disservice relying on that assumption. I am paying for that slip of ego still today as I am wiring this.
It wasn’t someone beating me or cheating on me. There is a real dark honesty in that kinda of situation since you know for sure someone is destroying your self esteem and your body. Someone threatening your life is another page of terror and it deserves to be.
Puts downs instead are a slimy level of veiled, cowardly passive aggression that someone can still hide behind and explain away that they are not being openly cruel to another person. I’ve been through all of these stupid situations, I put myself in the situation to be in each of these kinds of interactions. My marriage being all three together.
Why was I thins way? My self worth. Its not a value to put others feelings and needs above yours when its a disservice to you. I have done this. It makes me a good nurse as an occupation, and when I am around like minded individuals its very fulfilling and a self serving circle of good feedback and feelings- but not everyone is like me! I made an assumption that someone was, I think the best of people that I want to think the best of a lot of times and I make excuses for them.
Its not a high trait or virtuous when you are dealing with the entire world. Its at the lower end being weak, its at the higher end being malevolent to YOU. You are not having your own back.
I got a lot of praise for that trait- putting others needs and wants and feelings first- by both good and bad sources. The good feedback being from people who deserve care and need that extra help that I can give . The bad being people who took advantage of it or liked it so much because they got a lot out of it. Meanwhile , who’s looking out for me? I certainly was not. I was a bad nurse to myself! That is a really shitty thing to do! Self Disrespect! Its not good at all.
Ok, so I can see that. Why was I this way? I know I am not a mean person so that’s not it, I wasn’t being actively mean to myself.
It was because I had no value, I had a negative value in my mind. So I triaged other’s needs as being higher then my own worth because that was how it was in my mind. Why? I don’t have a time machine to go searching through my childhood or whatever to pin point the day that started happening in my mind. It doesn’t matter either because I can’t change the past.
The symptom of this problem of self worth/self guilt and punishment were basically every bad situation in my life. They kept happening because I did not address this core problem. But now, I figured out the problem! And I have changed my position on my self worth completely. I state facts about myself and facts are facts so they have power.
I have also become aware of the person I presented myself as to others before I made this change in my personal value. I didn’t go about actively telling people “oh hey, I will put with stupid shit because I don’t think I deserve a good person. or that I’d be rejected if I asked for the things I want.” I was irresistible to anyone who has a need for what I offered which was anything I could give. I gave ready excuses to them I gave more chances they I should have.
As an employee, that change of enforcing my self value happened faster once I left a toxic work place. The willingness to work all the hours a job needed, to do all the hardest chores, to be the hardest worker and available when no one else is stepping up stopped sooner in my work place life than in my real personal life. It shows that I am more practical in my work mind vs personal life.
I saw being the best pushover at a job got me nowhere as at that place. Literally no where and after 7 years I made less then others who just started. My last clinic was one where all employees got the same treatment of being easily replaced whether you were exemplary or not. You could be a wonderful, fantastic, bad ass, dependable tech and you would be treated just like the one who has a terrible attitude or pushes jobs off to others.
Or most frustratingly some people got favored for reasons that truly did not earn just because they did who knows what to someone in a power position. Or for unknown reasons you could never figure out or have a hope of emulating to get the validation you deserved just by doing the good work that you already where doing. I left the toxic job and found a great one that gave me a confidence in my skills- skills I already had, that I earned as a fact.
I let myself be de-valued at my old clinic, but not anymore at my current job. I let myself be de-vauled in my personal life.
The person I have been arguing with and having imaginary confrontations with on walks or driving does not exist. I know that now. That person I was in a relationship all that time, was not even anyone I knew at all. At the end it became clear it was a stranger this whole time, someone who doesn’t even exist in my mind because I never knew them.
I have been yelling at this person in my mind saying " HEY! Take responsibility for hurting me! Take responsibility for the things you said to me! Take responsibility for what you have accused me of !! Take responsibility for hurting me when I did nothing to deserve it! Apologize to me for hurting me!"
“Wait a minute. what you did was wrong!” That person I was yelling at, doesn’t exist as its not possible to negotiate with a manipulator. You can’t argue with them, you can’t win, you can’t enlighten them. They don’t play by the rules, they don’t play by any rules. The person I was in a relationship with was not REAL but an actor. It was a facade and the mask fell every time there was a conflict and the jerk showed up.
I should be mad at myself for falling for it all and I am. I was a sucker! Now I know that I have in fact been yelling at myself instead, “Hey! You shouldn’t have let that happen! What happen was wrong! You should have defended me! Take responsibility for not avenging my honor!”
“Apologize for hurting me!” is what I need to say to myself. That I am sorry I let this happen to myself - again. That I did not deserve to be put down and blamed and I should have stood up sooner and defended myself.