T Nation

Brokeback Mountain Self Test


#1

Don`t know if this one was posted before, but here goes...

Brokeback Mountain Self Test:

  1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
    1. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

  2. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

  3. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

  4. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

  5. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

  6. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

    1. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
      homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.


#2

lol!


#3

I thought the gay guys like them strong and black.


#4

hahaha! funny!


#5

Yeah, but CATS?

What the hell? I never witnessed either of my dogs (Shepherd/Lab & Rotweiller/Lab) stalk and snag a bird out of the sky and kill it, eat it raw and leave the carcass as a trophy on my back steps. Cats are cool that way.

I have seen both my dogs lick thier own balls, and rub thier asses on the floor, however. They also do everything they can just to please me. Now THAT is gay!


#6

Chartreuse is a common color for fishing lures and fishing is manly!

Replace chartreuse with something like mauve, and then that item on the list would be correct. :smiley:


#7

Why is it in these threads a 'real' man always sounds like some kind of cave dwelling troll?

And what's with the total scaredness of gay? If you're secure with yourself, you don't give a shit what other people are into.

I used to work security at a gay club and yes there were some screaming fags, but there were also some very manly gays there too. Something to think about.


#8

""I used to work security at a gay club and yes there were some screaming fags, but there were also some very manly gays there too.""

Yea whatever... Gay people are so gay that even gay people make fun of gay people. It's something to think about.

By the way, the word "gaylord" was long forgotten and it RULES!


#9

My token gay buddy just rips on the mincing effeminate gay guys.

He is a man, he is attracted to other men. He does not understand why men should lisp or be into womens fashion.

He also makes fun of us breeders. It is quite amusing.


#10

"Breeders." That's funny.These days, it seems like a lot of people, especially women, aren't gay because that's the way they feel, it's because it's the "thing to do" these days.


#11

I beleive the effeminate ones are called twinks, and the men are called bears. Not sure though.

Gays are great. For every two fellas pounded each other in the tight end, there are two lonely women out there. With enough gays, I might be able to get with a model.

Also, I used to hate gay people. Then I got to thinking, I know how I feel about women, and wether other people thought I was wrong or not, I am sure as hell not gonna give a women up. I figure gays feel the same way about other dudes as I feel about women.
On the upside, gays probably get laid more then most heteros, there probably isn't too much game playing, becuase both parties know what they want, and anal sex is really the only option.


#12
  1. I plan to look good at 30+.

  2. I talk that way to my pitbull.

  3. I suck on those chocolate ice bars.

  4. I can't even piss in a urinal.

  5. I drink orange juice.

  6. Every color of the rainbow, FTW.

  7. But.. I like living. :\

  8. I'd like to see Brokeback Mountain. Isn't it like, a love story? I like those. They make me feel all happy.


#13

Not too much game playing? I guess you haven't been around too much of the gay population. They thrive on drama like we do on protein.


#14

Funny as fuck!!

But we're all fucked on #5, near every protein shake in existence has sweetner added.

And ripping on gays IS big and it IS clever and does NOT make you homophobic. Homophobia means fear of homosexuals and we're clearly not afraid!! What they gonna do? Criticize my dress sense? Hit me with their hangbag? Sooooo scared.........


#15

"faggadocious"

Yet another word to add to the vocabulary to join the likes of:

"Douchebaggery"

(And my personal favorite)

"Thundercunt"


#16

Now I know why you started a whole thread on circumcision? how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?


#17

Agreed. Someone I used to work with in the restaurant industry was definitely metro-gay. However, when we had four gay customers in, he walked up to me and said (in his mocking gay voice), "What the hell? Is there a faggot-convention in town?"

It's funny that the straight people were offended and the gay people laughed at the joke. Hmmm...


#18

I think this subject is old, though I do thoroughly enjooy labeling others as fag, faggot, homo, queer, salad tosser, faghag--good one to call girls who hang around with gays. People love saying I am homophobic which is not true, people are too damn sensitive these days. Fear of fags, not a chance. I started to look at it like more women for us straight ones...


#19

What is a "manly gay"?


#20

Agreed, this subject is old as hell.

Also, I think homophobia & this big divide between homos & heteros is all created by women. They're trying to divide us men so they can take things over.

I like fucking my girlfriend, but what do I care if some other guy prefers not to? If anything, I should be glad that he's one less guy I've got to compete with.

The day when men, straight or gay, can all high five each other after fucking the shit out of whoever it is they're into, then crack open an ice cold beer & throw slabs of bloody steaks on the grill will be a good day for mankind.