T Nation

Borderline Personality Disorder

Does anyone deal with this and has any advice?

SO one day she comes into your life and seems to be the missing link to everything your heart desires. This long lost soul mate listens whole heartily and gives a lot of attention to the details and inner thinking of your life. Naturally, you are drawn in- you begin to take care of her and the months go by. Going out of your way to help for any type of issues; you truly are the Night in Shining Armor.

Even those ‘bad days’ when she explodes, you stand patiently by and lovingly pick up the pieces- thinking that we all have bad days. You decide to get married and then begin to notice everything was an act months after the honeymoons era wear off.

But then she stops caring about your life, and joys, and active communication, and donst make time or seem to give a shit- there is also now a ton of endless woes and horrible negative things that now seem to consume her life. Things that are only self created negative crap to get that loving attention you provide. You still respond as the Night in Shining Armor that you always have been and are, and continue to give everything of yourself. She responds and appears to show signs of love, and all is well in the world. Cycles of this continue over and over again. Except one day you stand your ground, had enough, and tell her you dont take to kindly to such treatment and dont understand why you dont care about me in return.

As if being in-Love for her, only means being pampered and treated exceptionally by yourself, while not receiving anything in return- and when that love she experiences from you is wrongly conducted (due to whatever minor triggers are received in a way that makes her feel hurt)- she explodes.

Then, she sees she is about to lose her Night in Shining armor, corrects herself, and goes back to the honeymoon mode of operation before enough time passes by. And cycles repeat- Honeymoon wonder girl. Bitch. Clinging please forgive me Make up. Repeat.

I found online this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. And trust me, since being married, i found out her past goes hand in hand with BPS. Does anyone deal with this and has any advice? sadly- 3 young kids are involved.

Walking on Eggshells was the book recommended to me by some others on this site. I haven’t read any more than the prologue/forward at this point, but it’s probably worth taking a look.

An ex girlfriend of mine has borderline personality disorder.
Then again, if I knew how to deal with it she wouldn’t be an ‘ex’ girlfriend.

Holy shit you just described my last relationship (dated 2 years, married 2 years). Like described it almost to a fucking T. Thank God I didn’t have any kids involved though. Lucky for me during one of her bitch phases she cheated on me a whole bunch, which was egregious enough to snap me out of White Knight mode and into “get the fuck off my lawn” mode.

So I would just tell you it’s not worth it and you should leave. But my experience lacks the dynamic of offspring. Sorry man :expressionless: best of luck to you though.

Divorce her or spend the rest of your life trying to fix her. Good luck.

EDIT: And get your kids the fuck away from her.

I think most men have one in their lives at some point. They usually come with great tits. Run. Seriously.

[quote]comus3 wrote:
They usually come with great tits. Run. Seriously. [/quote]

So, so true.

Couples with children should always stay together for the kids. Two adult human beings can always can find a way to be friendly and loving toward their each other even if they would otherwise split if kids were not involved. Two parents, under the same roof is always better than a broken family.

However, this is not true in the event that one of the parents is not actually human but a monster. Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

So, staying together with children is way more damaging than if they are raised by you alone. Raising the kids with split custody is also unacceptable because she will be out to destroy you and she will poison the kids against you, allow the kids to see her attempt to destroy you, and even use the kids as a tool to destroy you. Knowing this, you now know what you need to do…

…which of course is take the kids and move to Switzerland. That is what you were thinking, right?

Seriously, if you divorce her be sure you secure the finances, cancel all credit cards and lock her out of the house right before you file. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE yourself unless you really do take the kids somewhere.

It’s up to the person to decide whether or not to they want to help themselves. You are responsible for yourself first and for most and the best decision we can make we always know, it’s just that other things can get in the way and blur it up, till we can be fully sincere and honest with ourselves and those around us.

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[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:
Couples with children should always stay together for the kids. Two adult human beings can always can find a way to be friendly and loving toward their each other even if they would otherwise split if kids were not involved. Two parents, under the same roof is always better than a broken family.

However, this is not true in the event that one of the parents is not actually human but a monster. Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

So, staying together with children is way more damaging than if they are raised by you alone. Raising the kids with split custody is also unacceptable because she will be out to destroy you and she will poison the kids against you, allow the kids to see her attempt to destroy you, and even use the kids as a tool to destroy you. Knowing this, you now know what you need to do…

[/quote]

No offense, OE, but it’s pretty clear that psych is not your strong suite.[/quote]

True. People are.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:
Couples with children should always stay together for the kids. Two adult human beings can always can find a way to be friendly and loving toward their each other even if they would otherwise split if kids were not involved. Two parents, under the same roof is always better than a broken family.

However, this is not true in the event that one of the parents is not actually human but a monster. Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

So, staying together with children is way more damaging than if they are raised by you alone. Raising the kids with split custody is also unacceptable because she will be out to destroy you and she will poison the kids against you, allow the kids to see her attempt to destroy you, and even use the kids as a tool to destroy you. Knowing this, you now know what you need to do…

[/quote]

No offense, OE, but it’s pretty clear that psych is not your strong suite.[/quote]

True. People are.[/quote]
Master Yoda, I presume.

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:
Couples with children should always stay together for the kids. Two adult human beings can always can find a way to be friendly and loving toward their each other even if they would otherwise split if kids were not involved. Two parents, under the same roof is always better than a broken family.

However, this is not true in the event that one of the parents is not actually human but a monster. Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

So, staying together with children is way more damaging than if they are raised by you alone. Raising the kids with split custody is also unacceptable because she will be out to destroy you and she will poison the kids against you, allow the kids to see her attempt to destroy you, and even use the kids as a tool to destroy you. Knowing this, you now know what you need to do…

[/quote]

No offense, OE, but it’s pretty clear that psych is not your strong suite.[/quote]

True. People are.[/quote]

Not if you believe that BPD = Sociopathy, or that “Couples with children should always stay together for the kids.”[/quote]

Your 2nd statement, the one quoting me, reveals you didn’t understand what I was saying - at all.

Regarding BPD/Sociopath, I understand someone with a Psych education has clearly defined definitions of each. I don’t go in for those labels, individuals are too variable. Monster is a nice broad label that covers a whole basket of psych disorders just fine.

You may have a psych education but that doesn’t mean a thing if you haven’t seen the type of person described in the OP up close and personal and what they are capable of. I know you haven’t because if you had you would know the poster has issues much bigger than my loose use of the words sociopath and BPD.

Bottom line:

I think OP should leave his wife (as she is described). Do you?
I think OP should shelter his kids and himself from her as best he can. Do you.
So, other than your naiveté are we that far apart?

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[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:

Your 2nd statement, the one quoting me, reveals you didn’t understand what I was saying - at all.
[/quote]

Well, if true, that’s hardly my fault. It seems to pretty clearly state your opinion.

[quote]on edge wrote:
Regarding BPD/Sociopath, I understand someone with a Psych education has clearly defined definitions of each. I don’t go in for those labels, individuals are too variable. Monster is a nice broad label that covers a whole basket of psych disorders just fine.
[/quote]
LMAO. Sure, if symptoms, treatment modalities, and prognosis for improvement mean nothing to you.

And “individuals are too variable” for diagnostic labels, huh? Just how much clinical experience do you have that you can make that statement?

[quote]on edge wrote:
You may have a psych education but that doesn’t mean a thing if you haven’t seen the type of person described in the OP up close and personal and what they are capable of. I know you haven’t…
[/quote]
Oh really?

Nearly a decade in community MH work made it nearly impossible for me to escape such people.

But clearly, you not only know MORE than me, but you also know WHAT I know. LOL.

[quote]on edge wrote:
Bottom line:

I think OP should leave his wife (as she is described). Do you?
I think OP should shelter his kids and himself from her as best he can. Do you.
So, other than your naivet�??�??�??�?�© are we that far apart? [/quote]

Naivete?

LOL.

This, what you wrote,is so absurd and laughable that it is clear to me that you are talking out of an orifice other than your mouth:

Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

Really?

Allow me to suggest that you avoid making dogmatic statements about subjects that you clearly know little about.

Feel free to respond, but I’m done.
[/quote]
Nevermind. I see you fixed it.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

After dealing with someone who had NPD and another who had ASPD, I say LEAVE. Cut every connection you can and wall her out of your life.

First, like LoRez said, read, “Walking on Eggshells”.

Next, realize that there is nothing you can do to change the other person. You can try to understand them , but they won’t change. They likely don’t even see anything wrong with their behavior as (in my personal experience) it is a maladaptive response to childhood trauma. These are strategies they’ve learned from a young age in order to get their unmet needs met.

What you can do is figure out what it is about you that attracted you to this person to begin with, and work on that.

Just know, that as her white knight, she’s blaming you for every single ill that befalls her. You can’t protect her from everything and she’s going to resent the hell out of you for it.

I would also check out the book Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie and see if you recognize any of yourself in it. Codependents and people with BPD/NPD are drawn together like two survivors from a shipwreck clinging to one another in stormy seas. And often with the same end result.

[quote]Chushin wrote:

Feel free to respond, but I’m done.
[/quote]

Don’t give up so easy Chushin, I’m really a very open minded person.

If you’ve got treatment modalities that could help make this woman a decent parent I’d love to hear all about them. I’m also curious to know how often these people will acknowledge anything is wrong with them and will get help?