This might be quite a long post so I apologise before hand…
Not really sure where to start, just need somewhere to get this off my chest and could do with a bit of advice/moral support etc.
I’m 26, just qualified as a Physiotherapist in August but had a heart attack of unknown cause at the end of June 2015 leaving me in hospital for a month. Initially leaving me with an ejection fraction of 25% and has now increased to 56% and is still rising. I was a fit bloke - no athlete but could do a 5k without training and regularly did resistance training and sprints.
Because of this heart attack I have 2 problems.
Firstly, I have lost my identity - I was active, strong and able to do whatever I wanted to do. I am for all intents and purposes under house arrest (5 months and still not cleared to start rehab) until my consultant makes a diagnosis and treatment plan and. I am going fucking ape-shit crazy because I am an active person who hates sitting on their arse all day. I am also back home as I’m not aloud to work yet and I feel like a 15 year old all over again. I’m so lucky and grateful my parents can support me right now but I hate it.
Secondly, My girlfriend (first love) who I have been with for 3 years (full on living together and talking about marriage and having kids) has dumped me a few days ago…
I am fucking broken. I went three days and did a high ropes/climbing course without going to hospital when the heart attack started (even though I knew there was something terribly wrong) just so I could make her 21st birthday, that’s how much my love for her blinded me.
Outside of Uni we live 4 hours apart and since discharge she hardly visited me. 2 weeks after discharge I was at an all time low and suicidal for a short time and all I wanted was to see her, you know - for a cuddle. She went on holiday for 2 weeks with her friend, when I phoned her and told her I was upset she chose the holiday over me she went crazy and told her family and they all turned against me calling me disgusting, nasty and a dictator. The thing is I wouldn’t have stopped her if she’d considered my feelings before going and asked if I didn’t mind.
We met at a hotel 3 weeks ago and decided to move forward and consider it a blip.
She couldn’t get over the “upset” I caused and dumped me a few days ago.
I have sacrificed so much for this girl, I didn’t revise for my final exams because she was depressed and suicidal so I was terrified and trying to cheer her up.
I stopped seeing friends because she was always sad, so I stayed in a looked after her. I pretty much done 2 of her essays. This is amongst lots of other things.
I feel like I have been used for 3 years and that the 3 years were a massive lie on her half. I feel like I have now been discarded because I am temporarily out of action and not convenient to her any more. I feel like she is punishing me for having a heart attack and being a bit pissed off about it. I am HAPPY to give lots of support in a relationship, even if I give more as long as I am supported when I need it (which is rare) but she hasn’t even bothered to try to support me.
I hate myself for being such a mug these last 3 years and I hate myself for still loving her and for not realising how dependant and clingy she was.
I want to hate her and I want to never want to be with her but I just love her.
What do I do? every time I get up and dust myself off something comes and pile drives me to the ground again.