My friends are all in college right now, living it up with partying and girls. I would be in college, but I had to drop out because of some issues in my head. I'm working full time right now in the warehouse part of Wal Mart.
Anyway, I was looking at some pictures of them on the internet, and I noticed that I was becoming really angry, and I had a burning desire to go lift weights. I caught myself analyzing the muscularity of the kids in the pictures to see if I was bigger than them. Its like it pleases me to be bigger than most people. What the heck is that all about?
I realized that I derive my entire self concept from bodybuilding. If I can't lift, I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Its all I have.
I work from 4AM to 1PM 6 days a week unloading trailers. I come home to an apartment with my old man. I have absolutely no friends, no girl friend, no social life. All I have is the gym. What the hell am I turning into?
The other day my old man told me that he saw one of my old high school friends and the first think outta my mouth was "Am I bigger than him?" Its like I actually think about whether I am bigger than other people, and if I'm not, then I have something to prove. I just have this burning desire to be the most muscular mother in the house on any given occasion, and if I'm not, then i feel inferior. Is this normal?
Why do I feel like I have to be more muscular than other people in order to feel good about myself. Please don't diss me, I'm just relaying my feelings to the only people that can possibly understand me.