T Nation

big bummer

“Now, as far as guys being “friends”, especially close friends with married women, I see many problems. First, she has to be insecure. Second, the friend has to be insecure or hard up, and third, if the husband tells you to butt out, then butt out. It’s not very manly, in my opinion, to befriend a married woman when her husband objects to it. But that’s both her fault and the so-called “friend’s” fault.”

First, why does she have to be insecure to have a male friend? Perhaps they just get along well.

Second, why is the friend insecure or hard up? Because he wants to be friends with a married woman?

Your first and second points make NO sense - what does friendship have to do with insecurity? Friendship has to do with sharing common interests and enjoying each other's company. 'Friendhip' has NOTHING to do with cheating on your partner.

And finally, if a husband is so petty and insecure that he has to control who his wife is friends with then HE has a problem, not his wife or the wife's friend.

This may not be relevant in 'big bummer's' case, but in the general world, where people are honest and don't cheat on their partners both people should be free to be friends with whomever they want.

www.getcheckmate.com/ Its a home test for detecting traces of semen.

So what’s the scoop Big Guy? Have you found out any more yet? A.R.

Are you doing okay man?

Mate, FIRST AND FOREMOST: START LOCKING UP YOUR CASH/ASSESTS. Transfer ownership of all your possessions into someone elses name (someone that you can trust 100%-your brother?). Change the names of all your beneficiaries to that same person. Even transfer title of your house (if not jointly owned). If you feel as strongly as you do, your instincts are probably right. If you do all the stuff listed above, when you divorce her she will get ZERO.

That is what the Court calls a fraudelent transfer. They simply make him a party to the case and force him to disgorge the assetts. It’s pretty easy to check and see if the transfer of the house was an arms length business deal or an attempt to evade the domestic laws of your particular state. Show up in Court after pulling this kind of shit and your stock is way down.

Tinman

I’m not a lawyer, but couldn’t you take her to court on the premise that her cheating was a breach of contract? Since SHE breached the contract she should not be entitled to anything that she would have gotten if she honored the terms of the contract (i.e. standard of living that you achieve, support, roof over her head etc.)

I remember hearing about a chick that got to keep her engagement ring when the guy broke of the engagement and the judge ruled that it was HIS breach of contract so he wasn’t entitled to get the ring back.

(how do you spell breach?)

HERE’S THE DILLY. I CONFRONTED HER, AND SHE SAY’S THAT THERE’S NOTHING FOR ME TO WORRY ABOUT (PREDICTABLY). SHE SAY’S THAT IF SHE DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME, SHE WOULDN’T BE. I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS. FOR ONE THING, SHE HAS ALOT TO LOSE. A JOB SHE LOVES, SHE DOESN’T MAKE A WHOLE BUNCH, GOING THROUGH A DIVORCR WITH A KID INVOLVED,LOOKING BAD TO HER FAMILY, ETC. SEX WITH US HASN’T BEEN THE GREATEST EITHER. BUT I STILL HAVE NO SOLID PROOF, SO I WOULD FEEL LIKE A REAL A-HOLE IF I LEFT AND WAS WRONG. ISTILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I REALLY FEEL LIKE DIVORCE IS INNEVITABLE…BIG BUMMER.

[Note from Mod: No need to scream. Please do not use all caps.]

Hey Lee,
You can use your energy in three ways now. 1) Leave her and start over (not what I recommend, you wouldn’t be caught dead giving up on a set of squats - don’t give up on this) 2) You can worry and fret about it - waste of time and all sorts of energy. Or 3) fall in love with her all over again. All those things that you use to do before you got married, do again. Take her on quick dates, fancy dates, weekend dates, clean the house, cook meals and do the dishes, laundry(If you are already doing these then great, just make sure you’re at least doing your share), compliment her on the positive things, buy her flowers, back rubs and foot rubs are a must, let her orgasm first. Call her at work to say you were thinking of her. Don’t expect things done in return, do them because you love her.Peace, Tmofa

This is why it was stupid to confront her. Of course she was going to say “no” no matter what the truth was, and you’re still left with doubts. I suggest you follow the advice of some of the more underhanded contributors on this thread. Spy, snoop, and spy some more.

Sorry, Michelle, but there’s a problem with a married woman who has some, or several male “friends” that she is frequently with. Some men, read: husbands, may have a problem with that, and that’s not insecurity on a husband’s part, that’s using their brain. Having friends of the opposite sex, when you’re married, is fine, but spending lots of time with them, without your spouse present, is setting one up for potential problems. I don’t agree with it. My opinion only.

Lee-when I confronted my wife she denied it. When I showed her her cellphone bills with 40 calls a month to the guy, she denied it. When I showed her the e mails she wrote to him and the ones he wrote to her telling her how great she was in the sack she denied it at first but then caved in. This took about two weeks for her to see the light and come clean. I always knew from the beginning but a confession seals it. Watch it dude be careful. Things will get better. Trust your gut.

Lee, first do not do something you think you might regret. Alot of good information and advice here. There is a reason that you believe or feel that she is cheating on you. I do not have an opinion as to if she is nor do I want to add fuel to the dude she is cheating fire here either. Read your original post you wrote. It says “i think my wife cheated on me.seriously.i have no black and white proof, but i’m pretty sure.she has been acting real wierd for a while,withdrawn and cold,and has become real friendly with another guy(married also)that she works with. also i recieved a letter in the mail(typed with no return address)in the mail from one of her co-workers,suggesting that their relationship at work was innappropriate. she says nothing is wrong, but deep down inside i don’t think i believe her. waday think i should do?” You said you think and you cannot prove it. So now that you have confronted her and she says no now you need to get proof. There are plenty of good detectives out there that can get the information you need without her ever finding out. If you find out she is cheating then prepare yourself. If she is not then she never has to know. What do you consider cheating? Afterall she could just be flirting with the guy and the guy flirting back with no sexual content at all and that letter could be an old jealous girlfriend at work or someone who wants to be with that guy and can’t because he is married or it could be someone who is pissed at your wife and wants revenge. You never can tell and you cannot possibly expect her to tell you the truth if she is cheating. I am not saying she would not tell you the truth if she was cheating, just that you cannot expect her to tell you the truth. Your best option here is to hire a private detective. Start dropping in at where she works and say HI to her and see this guy first hand and tap her work area. They do sell this type of equipment and may be less than a private detective. Just be obejective to what you hear. Bottom line is do you really want to know and are you prepared to know? If you are then you know what you have to do now just do it. Please keep us updated too.

I thought I heard a story about this one guy who set up a messenger account under his girlfirend’s ex-boyfriend’s name. He then posed online as him and found out she wanted to get back together. He then went back over, hid a note for her and left. Then he went back on and started chatting as the ex-bf. Found out she wanted that supposed ex to call right back up. Busted her right there.

Now, where the heck did I hear that from again… Must have been a Dear Abby or something.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,wrong,wrong,wrong,wrong,wrong,wrong,wrong.
I live in Australia. Not the US. I don’t know the US laws. So, from my perspective, THAT IS HOW IT WORKS. Do your homework. You idiot.

No Apollo, Tinman is correct as far as the US is concerned. To avoid the fradulent transfer of asset claim, the assets would have to be transfered at least 2 years prior to the lawsuit. If not, the transaction would be reversed by the court.

Yeah Avoids, you’re right. I just didn’t like his attitude, an attempted flame for just trying to offer advice. This guy always does this-hardly ever contributes, just pops up now and again to abuse or smartarse someone.

Lee,
First of all you need to ask yourself what do you want out of your marriage? Do you want to try and save it work things out? Or do you want to just walk away on how ever number of years that you have invested in it? You have kids and they always are the ones to suffer in a divorce.Reasearch shows children of divorce grow up to be divorce themselves its a cycle.Most marriages have only a 50% chance of working out and 2nd marriages has a 35% chance and chances get lower as your number of marriages get higher for it is always too easy to walk away. So you have to ask yourself do you want walk away from your marriage or do you want to try and save it? Trust is fundamental in a marriage and ones it’s broken it takes a while to earn back, but it can be done. Now she just didn’t wake up one day and decided top have an affair, for women it is not always physical lot of times it’s emotional that still does not make it right. What does she gets from this guy that she is not getting from you? (No sarcasms please)If there is problems in the marriage one of the main contributers could be communication with each other.If you can get a mediator, counselor or even a priest or pastor to listen (and prevent a screaming match and finger pointing)to the two you and help you figure it out it may help. Now again the decision is up to you both for remember it took the two of you to fall in love and decide to get married why should it take some one else to decide that your marriage is shot. If you decide to give your marriage another chance there are a lot of websites out there to help you. Just use the search engine and look for marriage savers or divorce busting.Some folks in this board may not think so, but anything worth having is always worth fighting for that includes marriages and kids.Who will love and care for your kids more than you? You will know when it is time to give up and move on then you can honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say I tried. Wish you the best of luck on what ever you decide to do, for in the long run it is your decision and only you know what is best for you. Sorry you have to go through this during the holidays, please try to talk to someone and try not to let yourself dwell on it.
Rc

I wasn’t attempting to flame the dude, just trying to tip him your silly ass advice would land him in trouble. Since I am an attorney and have done domestic law for 9 years I do have some insight I hoped to share, as opposed to the juvenile and useless spew you were providing.–Tinman

Get some Christian counseling. First, do it yourself, then try and get your wife to attend with you as soon as she will agree. There is little chance she will do this right away-- too confused. This website’s general attitude toward relationship info tends to be skewed toward “T” – what do you expect? “T” is not the answer to relationship issues.