Had to move. Being the idiot I am I waited to the last minute to find a place, had to be out of my apartment Sat but can’t move into the new place for 2 more weeks, so I called me Dad he said I could crash at his place in the meantime. Like HS all over again…
Exhausted from moving, I decide to turn in early Saturday night. As I’m dozing off I get a call from a friend who I can tell was at least buzzed. He says he’s going clubbing with another old friend of mine, that friend’s girl and 2 other girls. Not to be a buzzkill, I accepted.
I get there, drunk friend #1 gives me a drunken hug, drunk friend #2 just gives me a nod, he and his girl are hanging all over eachother. The other two girls are this tall skinny blondie who talks exactly like that band camp chick from American Pie and a California cutie with long black hair. White chicks with black hair are my kryponite so I politely introduce myself but in the back of my mind start plotting.
At the first bar I make awkward small talk with CA hottie but pretty soon it’s obvious we have nothing in common besides breathing air. After a bit I get a good buzz going, I’m feeling alright, but then my friends decide to move on to another bar.
I stop in the men’s room. By this point the beer goggles had set in. I comb my hair, wink and blow myself a kiss in the mirror, then head back out to the action. Drunk friend #2 had bumped into this thick redhead with a southern drawl and started babbling about somethingorother. I step in and at this point was feeling real good so made a quick apology on his behalf and segwayed into some small talk. We get to dancing and everything is going real well. Feel a tap on my shoulder. Drunk friend #2 says they’re leaving but I can stay if I’d like. I consider it for a moment but then remember my mission.
“Hey it was great meeting you but I do need to get going.” I raised one eyebrow “Will I ever see you again?”
“Oooh ooh lemme give ya mah numb-ber”
At the line at the next bar I see this skinny Asian kid run out the door with an expression on his face like he’d just seen a ghost. A few seconds later a big, muscular dude stormed out screaming bloody murder. With a mixture of concern for the little guy, machismo and inebriated retardation I planted myself squarely in front of the big fellow and in a bear hug pinned his arms to his sides. He kept squirming and inevitably butted me on the schnoz but could not break free. At the time I couldn’t feel it but the next morning it felt tender.
“Chill out dude. Dude you’re twice his size. You’d kill him. Chill out man.”
“Yeah I know I’m going to kill him! He got me kicked out of that bar! Now let go!”
Not to escalate things further, I released him and did my best to calm him down till a police officer walked by. I felt a tug on my shoulder, it was drunk friend #2.
“Dude don’t get involved it’s not your responsibility”
“Yeah but this is exciting”
We walked into that bar. CA super-hottie and I danced a bit. Then band camp asked me to dance. We really started to get into it but got last call. Drunk friend #2 and his girl had left. Band camp offered me, drunk friend #1 and CA-unbelievably-gorgeous-hottie a ride home.
Walking to her car, drunk friend #1 pulls me aside. “Bro we gettin’ lucky, blondie’s yours.” He walked back to CA unbelievably-gorgeously-sexy-i’m-about-to-fall-flat-on-my-face-hottie and they followed us hand in hand. Visions of a half dozen little Joe Grim’s and CA hotties running around a romantic little cottage in the mountains somewhere were quickly fading away.
Bank camp drops them off then gives me a ride. Apparently she’d just married an old friend who needed a greencard. She said she wasn’t sure what would happen. Reading between the lines, a little devil appeared on one shoulder tellling me to go for it and a little angel appeared on the other discouraging it. The angel, the exhaustion from more excitement in one night than over the past year and the sheer awkardity of bringing a married chick into my Dad’s house won out.
“Thanks for the ride”
I text my friend. “U faggot u no say she married ok neway call tomoro”
Long story short, I pass over 2 girls for a shot at some cutie who ends up leaving with drunk friend #1, said friend is pissed at me because he can’t take a joke and now I get a nosebleed every time I sneeze.
I had a fucking blast