T Nation

Beliefs to be a Republican Today


#1

Now I dont mean this as an attack of all republicans. I think its funny and for some of republicans dead on. So I have no intention of defending all these points because they dont apply to all Republicans.

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
- Theodore Roosevelt

  • Being A Republican -
  • Make The Pie Higher -
  • The Quotable President -

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is
enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use
marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America'" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but, multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless
you someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of
the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which include banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter
initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.


#2

I suppose I could take the time to duplicate this in Democratic terms, but that would be as big of waste of my time as this was of yours.


#3

A similar conundrum:

The mainstream Right in this country calls Clinton a "pathological liar" and then states that Saddam had WMD, according to Clinton. What!?!


#4

Awwwwww did it hurt your feelings? Its a joke. Took me 15 seconds I cut and pasted it. And they say Liberals have no sense of humor.

Disclaimer: I mean this in a lighthearted way. As a fellow American I am sure you want whats best for our country. We may differ on what we think is best but I respect the fact that you care.


#5

The other side of that coin.

What You Must Believe to be a Good Democrat

-You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
-You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
-You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

-You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

-You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

-You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

-You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

-You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

-You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

-You have to believe that self esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

-You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

-You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

-You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

-You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

-You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

-You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

-You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

-You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

-You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

-You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

-You have to believe that the posting of this list is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.


#6

No feelings hurt. I just find this stuff useless, baseless, meaningles.....

Not that I can't read some good fluff once in a while, but at least jleske us and give us some proven conspiracy factoids. I mean--I'm sure after Bush got done assassinating JFK, being in on the Iranian hostage situation and hiring Linda Tripp to tape Monica--we can come up with better than Rush on drugs.
Peace


#7

Refute one of them. Prove just ONE of them untrue.

Or, just bitch about the liberals some more,


#8

See what I mean Jersey--now you went and made somebody waste this much time in their life.

At least yours was just a cut and paste!


#9

Great job Reddog! Did you write these? Very funny and for some Democrats very true.

Speaking of gun ownership I just posted a thread on it, I am interested in purchasing my first firearm and have a bunch of questions.


#10

I bet Theodore Roosevelt was a really cool guy. Whatever happened to people like him? Oh yeah, they're sick of both parties and are either libertarians or independents, neither of which have a chance in hell to win any type of election other than dog catcher for the Podunk District of Arkansas.


#11

Nope, cut & paste.


#12

Teddy was a sickly child and regained his health with excercise. I think he was also one of the first Americans to practice Judo.


#13

I'm sure you could find a republican that thinks one of those is right, but I'm sure there are Dems that do also.. I don't agree with them so what does that make me?? Untill we have a functioning third party that I believe in I'll still stay on the side of the Republicans.


#14

I thought the orignal cut and paste was funny. This list wasn't. All though, I'm sure there are ones that make fun of Democrats/liberals that are just as funny. In fact, I think I've come across them before.


#15

Hmmm. Wasn't as funny. Must be cause all the comedians are liberals. lol


#16

It's just your personal bias.....


#17

I'm republican
I'm atheist

That shoots down several


#18

I seem to always find these types of jokes unfunny whether they're targeted at Republicans or Democrats. I never take offense to these because they're just stupid.

It's the same formula over and over again. Simplify the issues down to the kindergarten level, then broadly categorize them under a party label, and finally try to disguise the hollow pablum as a funny joke.


#19

Look at how threatened these "republicans" are. How about forgeting republicans and democrats and standing up for truth and not standing for hypocrisy. All of these funny tidbits in the original post point out hypocrisy, rhetoric over the realities of life.
I also think it is important to point out the difference between personal beliefs of persons who vote republican or identify as republican and the republican party.


#20

I second this....