T Nation

Being Different


#1

So this is a pretty "Ballsy" move I'm doing here but interesting at the same time.

Recently in my life there have been some events that changed life as I know it. To start with the backstory.
I have had an issue I have been dealing with since about age 3, I can vividly remember the feelings I used to have. Since then I have been dealing with the issue on and off with varying degrees of success. Two fridays ago it finally reached a peak (again I tried previously when I was 14) and I wrote a suicide not to my brother and took off in the car.

Later on the cops caught me coming out of a truckstop on the 401 (highway) with a rope and they found the other note I wrote for my parents and my fiancee in the car. I was taken to Mental Health Assessment at the hospital and had to see a psychiatrist. My parents also got there and well since I was close to rock bottom I told them about the issue along with everyone else.

The reason why I tried to kill myself is because I am transgendered. As I am sure most people can understand why a person would want to kill themselves, you are always judged and discriminated against, you are viewed as sub human and a lot of times beat up. being transgendered has a 41% suicide rate and that is only those who report it.

I know a lot of people view this as being a freak and some view it as a choice. Why would someone willingly subject themselves to a life of hardships? the answer is because the alternative is worse. I did try everything to "cure" it or make it go away. I tried not caring and just ate myself intro oblivion.

I tried drinking, drinking 2 bottles of whiskey for a year while I lived in england. I tried being ubermasculine bulking up to 275 lbs with 19" arms and some very decent lift numbers. None of it worked, it just came back all the same which led me to wanting to end my life.

Having to come out has by far been the hardest thing i've done in my life. Telling my fiancee almost crushed me. It requires a certain amount of balls (pun intended). I have chosen to continue with transition otherwise I will find myself where I was that Friday night or worse. It will be a very hard time in my life but I have faith that things will get better.

I come from a family where growing up was hard. They have been accepting and as long as I stay in this world they can deal with the rest. So in short yeh, if anyone has ever wondered about it and had questions now is a good time to ask. Also no jokes are off limits, I still have a freaking sense of humour.


#2

By transgender, do you mean a woman trapped in a mans body? Do you dress like the opposite sex? Have feelings for those of the same physical sex?

Has accepting yourself for who you are put to ease some issues you were dealing with?


#3

Transgender MTF (male to female) - I have not dressed like a woman for a long time because I went through the super manly phase. But yes the goal is to be 100% female (well as much as possible physically). Sexual orientation and Gender Identity are two separate things not specifically linked to each other, so far I definitely still like women (as evidenced by my fiancee).

I started taking hormones 2 weeks ago, and for the first time I don't want to kill myself and wish away my existence anymore.


#4

we are all different, its called unique.

sorry that you are going through all the emotional stuff surrounding it, but stuff like this is acceptable in Cali, and not a big deal.

hope all turns out well for you~


#5

You never wanted to kill yourself in the first place, which is why you are still alive. You wanted either attention to your problems or used it as a cry for help which is why you left a note, or baiscally gave warning to those who stopped you. So get it out of your head and stop using it as a crutch or escape clause.

Live your life however you want. Fuck what society thinks, fuck what anyone else thinks. You get to do it once, do it on your terms and do the things that will make you happy. Good luck.


#6

Is your chick on board, or are you guys broke up now?


#7

http://tnation.T-Nation.com/free_online_forum/pictures_pics_photo_body_rate_image_performance/3year_transformation_ftm_powerlifter_28_55_160_lbs

See if you can get in contact with the OP in this thread.


#8

We're still together, she is totally cool with it

Also, when I was 14 I survived my suicide attempt by sheer virtue of how i fell down, If had fallen an inch further forward I would've chocked on the big puddle of puke which was next to my head when I woke up 36 hours later


#9

unique is O.K.
I've always been "different" also. I'm half Hawaiian and Heinze 57.
raised by my fathers parents as my parents divorced when I was 11 mths old. I was told that my mother said that if she had to keep me she would put me in a trash can. never even seen a picture of her.
growing up in Ark and Tex in the 60's was pure hell. being called gook, chink, slant, slope, jap, and other name by not just other kids but by teachers, coaches, and family puts your head in a bad place. never dated a girl from my jr high or high school as they couldn't be seen with someone like me. met some of my relatives on my mothers side but a 1/2 breed was the lowest of the low. I also contemplated suicide but never tried it. I haven't been back to see any of my blood kin since 1975.
I've seen some of the worst and the best that people can do in my 50+ years on Earth.
everyone has some shit in their lives. I learned that I'm stronger than anything that can be thrown at me.
bet you are also!


#10

SO you guys are officially lesbians?

That is a stand up chick you have. You should treat her to Del Frisco's.


#11

Look at the bright side. At least you still have her there to love you and support you. Best of luck with everything. Who gives a shit what everyone else thinks. Everyone has their own "different" things behind closed doors.


#12

So, are you a lesbian in a man's body, or a heterosexual chick in a man's body?

That's all I've got for humor.

For the record, everyone is weird.

I tried to cut off my feet when I was 4 because I was probably almost 5' tall at the time and every thought I was a mutant giant or 15 years old. No kids my age would play with me because I scared them (or scared their parents, more likely). I had to sit down when everyone stood up in my 2nd grade class picture.

Still have the scar.


#13

Thats cool man, I have a friend that have gotten operations though it was female to male... Its crazy to see the changes that actually happened. When I first met my friend I had no idea they was even transgender and within about two years of starting hormone therapy you could not even tell that there was any process that was even under went.

Sorry to hear about the hard time with social acceptance where you live, Though I think you can definitely surround yourself with positive people and you definitely deserve to be yourself and happy! Screw what some jerks think, its your life not theirs.


#14

haha well when you phrase it that way, yeh!


#15

thanks, it's encouraging to hear. I live in Ontario now and it's pretty much as good as it gets anywhere. South africa and Italy were two really tough places which sort of made me keep to myself all those years.


#16

are you able to borrow each others clothes or shoes as that'll save money?


#17

Not really she is super tiny and I am not so much small, I have been on a strict weightless regimen but still need to lose another 80 after being down 45 now. I never realized how big I was till now. Always saw myself as small and weak


#18

should've heard the DP joke my brother made...priceless

Life can be cruel to people, that's why I don't understand why we have to make it harder on each other.


#19

plus size models are a hot item now!


#20

Not gonna pretend that I quite understand how you feel, of course, but do what makes you happy.

If that's being a chick, be a chick. You only have one life here, and it goes by fast enough as is. No reason to hurry it along.

Best of luck pal.

(I mean...hon.)

I mean.

Fuck, I don't know what I mean. good luck.