T Nation

Beat Up a Biker Gang Today...


I was driving along the US 131 today on my way back home from nailing this 19 year old supermodel. She wanted me to take her virginity three months ago, but I had to put it off because I was doing other stuff. Today, however, I found enough time to squeeze her in for a good 45 minute session. I think my giant 18 incher was too much for her because when I got done she was complaining about abdominal pain and she had trouble breathing. Oh well. She wants me to come see her tomorrow, but I got stuff to do.

I was driving along when I noticed in my rear view mirror, a long line of motorcycles rumbling toward me. Because I'm such a chill dude, I changed lanes to let them pass. They sped by me, one after another, some of them coming pretty close to my 100 thousand dollar Mazarrati. I noticed they all were wearing leather jackets with a patch on the back that read "Hell's Angels" or something like that. Anyway, one of them came too close to my car and a leather strap from a pouch on his bike whipped my car. I was pissed. I flipped him off and mouthed "asshole" at him. He started laughing adn flipped me off. Then I flexed my 20 inch arm, his expression changed from one of humor, to one of terror...... He sped up and passed rather quickly. Finally after a few minutes all of the bikers passed and were quickly out of view.

My Rolls Royce gets terrible gas mileage, so I had to stop at a gas station about 10 minutes later. I stopped at the first one I saw, pulled up, and guess what I saw? That's right, all ten bikers had stopped at a diner across the street. I got out of my Lambourghini and stepped into the gas station, dropped 100 on gas and told the cutie behind the counter to keep the change. She gave me her phone number and told me to call her when I wanted oral sex. She said she can deepthroat.... meh... Like I can't get that from any chick anyways.

I start pumping my gas outside, I was watching the diner and the biker that flipped me off stepped out for a smoke.... He saw my Corvette then looked at me, then went back inside. I knew something was going to go down.... A few minutes later all ten bikers were walking toward me and my Bentley. They looked like they wanted to fight... Little did they know that I watch a lot of UFC and MMA fighters on TV. I can fight. I shouted at them, "you sons of bitches better be prepared for a guy that knows how to throw down!" Then I flexed my 24 inch pythons at them. A few of them hesitated, but then started back up again. I quickly developed my strategy.

All of them were bigger than me, I'm not a big guy - only 6 feet @ 200, but I'm dense and lean. Built like a wall of thick muscle. The smallest one of them was 6 foot 5 probably 250, and the biggest one looked to be at 7 feet 300. I knew this was going to be fun, at least for me. When they were about 20 feet from me I decided to let them get a good look at my rippling physique.. I tore my shirt off, a few of them gasped, but remained unfazed. Two of them charged me. I quickly remembered a George St. Pierre fight I saw a few nights ago. When they got close enough, I roundhouse kicked one in the gut, the bigger one took a swing, but I ducked and caught him with an uppercut to the chin. He flew back about 20 feet, and was out cold. The other one recovered from the kick, and started toward me again. I shot in for the takedown, rear naked choke, then ground and pound. His candle was out quick.

Two more of them charged me. These were the two bigger guys. I quickly remembered a Cro Cop fight I saw a week ago. One of them caught a left kick to the side of the head, he was out cold. The other one took a swing, I ducked, shot in for the takedown, rear naked choke, then ground and pound. Done.

4 tough biker dudes laid out in front of me. The other 12 started looking at each other - guess they were starting to regret their careless mistake. Three of them whipped out knives and started toward me. I jumped up with a roundhouse kick that smacked all three of them like a three stooges slap. The knives were out of their hands. I quickly remembered a Randy Courture fight I saw a month ago. I was in a wrasslin' mood, so I picked one of them up over my head and tossed him over the gas pump, he was a solid 250 lbs. but I'm stong as an ox. To me, 250 feels like 100. He sailed through the air like a bird, and landed head first on the concrete parking block. He was out. I caught another one with a right straight to the chin, then and uppercut, then a left hook, then a vicious liver shot that I learned from watching a Mickey ward fight. He was out cold. The other looked at me and started to pee his pants. I shot in for the take down, rear naked choke, ground and pound. 7 bikers out cold in less than 3 minutes.

Two of the bikers ran away, got on their bikes and sped off screaming like girls. The two that remained muct have been drunk or something. One of them whipped out a big chain, the other had a crowbar. The one with the chain charged me, swinging it overhead and screaming what sounded like a battle cry. He swung the chain, I ducked. He swung again, I backed up lifted up my forearm, and let the chain wrap around my thick, dense, muscley arms. I jerked my arm back, and he let go of the chain. Then I ran my chain-wrapped forearm into his face, then caught him with an uppercut to the gut. He flew back, I saw a tooth fly out of his mouth. When he landed, he was out like a light. Crowbar lunged at me, I quickly remembered a Matt Hughes fight I saw a couple months ago. I shot in for the take down, rear naked choke, ground and pound. Crowbar was out like a light.

It was all over and I hadn't even broke a sweat. A MILF and her two 18 year old daughters were watching from inside. They walked out and all three of them fell to their knees in front of me. The MILF was screaming "You are the man of my dreams! Please take me and my daughters and do as you wish!" the two daughters were crying tears of joy at finally finding a real man. I looked at them and said "I got stuff to do". The MILF continued to scream and cry, she clutched my leg and wouldn't let go. I started walking toward my Ferrari, dragging her along with my leg. I got annoyed and said I might give her a call. She let go and started praying to god.

Someone must have called the cops because just as I was getting in my Porsche Carrera, a cop car pulled up. The cop got out, he looked pretty built. probably 6 foot 3, at a solid 280. I muttered out loud, "great... a meathead cop.... I hate these guys". He looked at me, looked at the bikers, looked at my Aston Martin, looked at the MILF and her two daughters still gushing over me, and I saw the look in his eyes.. He was jealous! HA! He started with "alright, what happened here?" Annoyed, I told him exactly what happened. He said he didn't believe it and that he wanted to question me downtown. I told him I had stuff to do, then he said he was going to arrest me.

"Screw that" I told him, he got an attitude and told me to turn around. I pushed him off and said "back off". He pulled out his nightstick, then I quickly remembered a Fedor fight I saw three months ago. I shot in for the takedown, rear naked choke, quick ground and pound. The cop was now dreaming of Krispy Kreme......

So I guess that makes it a biker gang AND a meathead cop. All in all a pretty average so-so day for me. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how big they are, or how many there are, or even if they have weapons on them - a trained MMA UFC type fighter-guy bad ass like me can kick all the ass regardless. Just a little something to remind you weight lifting meatheads, big weights in the gymn dont' win fights. I do.


ehhh, I was giving it a shot. I was really going for it because I like to post random pieces too but the inconsistencies and the sheer randomness of it all became all to overbearing.


good stuff, good stuff.


I thought this was a yolk sack or clip thread...

So how many cars do you drive at one time?


You didn't give it enough of a chance.

Very funny stuff... the whole ever-changing car gag had me rolling.

Good work.


And how did he gain 4 inches in his arms so fast?


i liked it


Creatine and CURLZ you should try.


No I did read the whole thing. It had its moments.


Best "Beat up a _________" thread yet.




loz, esp the changing cars.


You have just made my very boring day at work quite entertaining! Thanks for the read :slight_smile:


Wake me up when it's over.



Analog_Kid he ain't ... but still not bad ... I chuckled


Can you make a cliff notes version of that? Or maybe just pictures and/or a Venn diagram?


Way more believable than Yolked.


You know ... reading some of the replies from the oh-niners got me thinking ... they'll never have the joy of reading one of Analog_Kid's posts or a Kilplemet anecdote. Kind of makes me die a little inside


What were the best ones? Where'd AK go, anyway?


lol .. wouldn't you have all summer to brush up on your T-Nation/Muscle/Mag history?