T Nation

Atomic Pup - Moose Vagina


#1


I love to lift heavy things. I feel 'in the zone' when I stay in the eight reps or less range and I can't fucking stand anything above it.

I also hate traditional cardiovascular stuff. I don't like to run and I hate biking. I'd rather watch a porno starring Rosie O'donnell, Pauly Shore and an albino monkey than do HIIT.

As a former really skinny dude, I don't like the idea of burning a ton of calories. Hell, I used to be the guy who'd rather drive two blocks to the movie theater instead of walk for fear of losing precious muscle mass.

But last weekend my family talked me into going on a "hike" - which is really just a fancy word for walk - in Glacier National Park.

We walked 16 miles over a mountain, down a canyon, and through the woods, but to grandmother's house we didn't go.

The sun was relentless. It was always there and burned the back of my neck. My legs felt like they were going to crumble with each step. My UnderArmour boxer briefs had a death grip on my ass-crack and there were more than a couple of times when I broke down and cried for my mommy. Luckily she was only a few steps ahead of me.

And then, around the third mile, I realized something: I was acting like a pussy.

And not one of those nice ones with immaculately groomed hair that was undoubtedly shaped by a gay gardener with an incredible attention to detail. Nope, I felt like one of those big, scary, furry things I've seen in issues of Playboy from the 1970's. You know, the ones that prompted the advent of hair rollers, bobby pins, and those little ponytail rubber-band thingies.

So, I cursed myself and set a new goal to view the hike as a regular weight-training session. I was going to push myself and enjoy it, goddammit.

Of course, my family and I ended up having a great time. We laughed, yelled profanities, jumped, and collapsed. We even ran into a HYUGE moose (who are known to be very aggressive) on the trail and spent a good half hour baby-talking it, shitting our pants, and bush-whacking our way around it to a river.

My legs were sore to the touch the next day, and in what may be a bit of overkill, I downed about three servings of Surge to off-set the catabolic effects.

It all got me to thinking, though.

How many other adventures do we, the guys and girls dedicated to building muscle, pass up on our quest to become the biggest, strongest, mofos we can be?

I mean, my hike in Glacier was the challenge I've needed but haven't had the balls to undertake.

It was just too uncomfortable-sounding like heading to the gym to do front squats, single leg squats, Bulgarian split squats, and well, a shitload of other kinds of squats in one GIANT set with no rest. It's just not something you can psyche yourself up to do beforehand.

You have to be in the middle of it - with sweat pouring down your back - to really appreciate the effort and tune in to the challenge.

You know, I think I'm going to set a goal to do one uncomfortable exercise-related thing every couple of months and see what I come up with.

It may be a hike, a bike ride, or, shudder, a long-ass run. I think it'll be good for me. I think it'd be good for you, too.

Let's just hope our new adventures don't include an acrobatic bedroom romp with a girl who looks like a moose.

Now that would be truly uncomfortable.


#2

I must've missed the vagina part... but nice article, you pussy. :slight_smile:


#3

Hey Nate -- I have seen you sprint, my kind sir!

Malinda


#4

Those moose are always causing trouble!


#5

I never turn down a good exercise session like a hike or a bike ride (talk about legs BURNING), although I think I might be hesitant to do a long jog or 10k run or something like that. I've gotten used to the idea of high intensity and low reps, so I guess you and I are in the same boat.

I can see the pup is learning from the dog quite well. Good writing so far brother.


#6

I sometimes feel bad for the general population that knows nothing about the adrenaline rush or pure fun of biking. And I'm not talking about the lazy pansy ass biking most people would think of. I'm talking about moving fast.

Imagine you are on a crotch rocket, but instead of being an out of shape lazy fat ass, you are the engine. You gain a real appreciation for speed, something practically no one has. Sure you're still going slow compared to motor vehicle in most situations, but it still can get you a lot of fun and danger on the downhills.

As for the workout part of it....if your strong enough, a 10 second sprint can lay you out for 15 minutes. I guess it's like HIIT, but I can garrantee you that you will never expend as much energy doing ANYTHING else compared to a real hill sprint on a road bike. A bike is THE best outlet for draining every last once of energy out of your body for a short duration effort.

Problem is, most guys are too afraid to wear the clothing because they're too insecure. Well, they could go for the more 'hip' route and wear baggie clothes on the trails. Mtn biking is almost as fun.


#7

This thread gets 5 stars from me just for the title alone. Moose Vagina!

Where's that ranking thingy at?

merlin


#8

Moose Vagina n. - large hairy aggressive mammal, although lacking the razor sharp teeth of the "Gorgon Catholic Vagina", it is still deadly in characteristics, can result in "rug burn" if taken at a fast pace.


#9

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#10

Or no article at all.

Good stuff Nate. I've also been in my comfort zome for too long in the gym and after some higher rep stuff I realized how out of shape I was. Time to embrace the discomfort.


#11

Well, whatever floats your boat but I'd take HIIT any day of the week then even a minute of naked, sweating Rosie.

shiver

You got me thinking though... I'm more like Chris Shugart, a FFB so mass has never that much of a problem. Quite the contrary in fact.

I'm the one that'll walk to the convenience store instead of taking the car, for fear that if I seat of my ass to long, I start piling up fat. Maybe I'm missing out on other things, but definitely not NEPA and activities like hiking. Unlike you, I just can't.


#12

visual of the day, like a catchers mitt on a barber shop floor.


#13

Great stuff Nate, this reminds of me our "blood run" back in high school playing football. Running up an insane hill, then hiking within the hills to a burned "B" at the top of a mountain. (The name of my high school started with a B.)

You would have thought you were going to die a few times over, but when you made it you knew you were tougher than you ever thought. It didn't help us win any more games, but it showed us how tough we were when we needed to be.


#14

The title of this article is truly frightening Nate...


#16

You should hike Longs Peak - it's awesome. Legs on fire, lungs gasping, vision swaying....it's just amazing, especially if you don't quit at the Keyhole and keep going. You eventually get to a ridge that is 3 feet wide and has a straight thousand foot drop on the sides. Getting to the top of that beast, and then back down, and then crying at night as every muscle hurts beyond understanding...it's incredible.