T Nation

Article: Equal Marriage=Less Sex

Touches on a number of issues relating to how managing the domestic part of life effects attraction and desire. A bit long…I found the comments as interesting as the article.

Fascinating. I put a link up to it in my thread here in PWI yesterday, but it deserves it’s own thread.

She takes several tangents, but all really interesting. The Mister and I have talked about it for a couple of days.

There may be some trade offs to marriage between peers, where you are both working and sharing in all the domestic stuff too. “On an emotional level, ‘kindred spirits’ sounds lovely. But when it comes to sexual desire, biology seems to prefer difference.”

I thought people here would enjoy the story about the couple going to marriage therapy, and the wife talking about her husband coming home from the gym all sweaty …and she wanted him to vacuum. :slight_smile:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

I thought people here would enjoy the story about the couple going to marriage therapy, and the wife talking about her husband coming home from the gym all sweaty …and she wanted him to vacuum. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

My wife and I have had similar conversations with each other, and it is hilarious.

She claims me helping around the house turns her on, I point out that it certainly doesn’t and she is full of shit. She thinks about it, concludes I’m right, and we go about our day.

We laugh about this stuff, but through a lot fo communication and some struggle have a better sex life after the birth of our daughter than we have sense the first year of our relationship a decade ago.

I think it comes down to communication more than who does what chore or gender roles.

It’s depressingly amusing. Men have typically complained about the amount of sex in marriage and the response used to be “I’m too stressed. Maybe if you helped out with the housework I’d be in the mood.” Men make a shift to help with the housework and as a result have less sex.

Well played women, well played.

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

I thought people here would enjoy the story about the couple going to marriage therapy, and the wife talking about her husband coming home from the gym all sweaty …and she wanted him to vacuum. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

My wife and I have had similar conversations with each other, and it is hilarious.

She claims me helping around the house turns her on, I point out that it certainly doesn’t and she is full of shit. She thinks about it, concludes I’m right, and we go about our day.

We laugh about this stuff, but through a lot fo communication and some struggle have a better sex life after the birth of our daughter than we have sense the first year of our relationship a decade ago.

I think it comes down to communication more than who does what chore or gender roles. [/quote]

Beans and Beefeater,

It’s a common thing for marriage therapists to recommend to men. - “You need to unload the dishwasher more.”

My husband unloading the dishwasher has ZERO impact whether there is physical heat or passion between us or not.

I can buy the idea that resentment kills affection and sex, but this idea that doing chores fixes intimacy is silly. Resentment will kill the whole marriage. As Beans mentioned, the fix is better communication. And developing gratitude for what the other person does, instead of focusing on the petty stuff. Sex begets more sex, in our experience.

It was kind of a tangent in the article, but did you guys catch the statistic about people who had had affairs? A high percentage of them said their marriages were “happy”.

Fifty-six percent of her male subjects and 34 percent of her female subjects said they were ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’ in their partnerships but cheated anyway.

I don’t know how many people were in her sample, but it makes you realize that you shouldn’t assume you are “bulletproof” even if you are in a happy marriage. And to assume that someone only had an affair because their marriage was really messed up is probably wrong.

I asked my husband what he thought about the differences between men and women and he attributed it to more T. Probably so.

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
It was kind of a tangent in the article, but did you guys catch the statistic about people who had had affairs? A high percentage of them said their marriages were “happy”.

Fifty-six percent of her male subjects and 34 percent of her female subjects said they were ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’ in their partnerships but cheated anyway.

[/quote]

That caught my eye too. Pretty interesting. Hedonism, pure and simple? “I’m happy, I love my wife, she is great to me, I have no real complaint…but I want to have sex with my coworker, because I like sex and enjoy having orgasms and my coworker is attractive, so here goes.”

[quote]smh_23 wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
It was kind of a tangent in the article, but did you guys catch the statistic about people who had had affairs? A high percentage of them said their marriages were “happy”.

Fifty-six percent of her male subjects and 34 percent of her female subjects said they were ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’ in their partnerships but cheated anyway.

[/quote]

That caught my eye too. Pretty interesting. Hedonism, pure and simple? “I’m happy, I love my wife, she is great to me, I have no real complaint…but I want to have sex with my coworker, because I like sex and enjoy having orgasms and my coworker is attractive, so here goes.”[/quote]

PArt of it is the comfort of happiness I’m sure.

There is little as nice as not having to worry about my support structure so I can focus on everything else. People tend to take things for granted…

One thing leads to another and next thing you know your dick is in Suzzie next door and you realize you just fucked up the one good thing in your life, because of the very fact it was good, so you were comfortable, and that comfort allowed you to forget to work to maintain it.

[quote]countingbeans wrote:
I think it comes down to communication more than who does what chore or gender roles. [/quote]

IMO…it is non-verbal communication where most people fail.

I like the communication type comments. Honestly I think the big thing is a couple that WANTS sex. My fiance and I both want to have sex. I have had relationships with women before who only wanted it every so often.

My fiance and I are BOTH busy. This week is insane for me at work and I will do limited things around the house. When work is insane for her I try and pick up the slack. We have always viewed our relationship as a team thing anyways. I want to be the best person to help her out and she wants to be mine.

Luckily our sex has always been incredible for both of us and she is just as likely to demand it as I am. I think our relationship is very equal in a lot of parts and none of that is hurting our bedroom activities. Largely because we both WANT those bedroom activities frequently and who did the laundry last isn’t even a thought in either of our heads.

Very interesting article though. As far as faithfulness we have been together 4 years and so far not a problem because of how much we still want each other. Will it always be this way? I have no idea. I have been tempted in many other relationships before, but I haven’t really been tempted (as far as actually wanting to sample from another menu) because this one is so satisfying for both of us.

We have had these conversations together many times. I also think that is something many couples struggle with is being free enough to communicate clearly what they want. Hell we have “goals” as a couple for 2014 just like I have goals in the gym. It’s like anything else…you want to be good at it, put some effort in it.

I don’t think many people want to be good at monogamy because it’s too hard. Sorta like training.

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
It was kind of a tangent in the article, but did you guys catch the statistic about people who had had affairs? A high percentage of them said their marriages were “happy”.

Fifty-six percent of her male subjects and 34 percent of her female subjects said they were ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’ in their partnerships but cheated anyway.

I don’t know how many people were in her sample, but it makes you realize that you shouldn’t assume you are “bulletproof” even if you are in a happy marriage. And to assume that someone only had an affair because their marriage was really messed up is probably wrong.

I asked my husband what he thought about the differences between men and women and he attributed it to more T. Probably so. [/quote]

That is an interesting statistic and it seemed to me that it is possible to be in happy relationship but not be sexually satisfied. Does this seem to indicate that people are not hardwired for monogamy?

[quote]H factor wrote:
I like the communication type comments. Honestly I think the big thing is a couple that WANTS sex. My fiance and I both want to have sex. I have had relationships with women before who only wanted it every so often.

My fiance and I are BOTH busy. This week is insane for me at work and I will do limited things around the house. When work is insane for her I try and pick up the slack. We have always viewed our relationship as a team thing anyways. I want to be the best person to help her out and she wants to be mine.

Luckily our sex has always been incredible for both of us and she is just as likely to demand it as I am. I think our relationship is very equal in a lot of parts and none of that is hurting our bedroom activities. Largely because we both WANT those bedroom activities frequently and who did the laundry last isn’t even a thought in either of our heads.

Very interesting article though. As far as faithfulness we have been together 4 years and so far not a problem because of how much we still want each other. Will it always be this way? I have no idea. I have been tempted in many other relationships before, but I haven’t really been tempted (as far as actually wanting to sample from another menu) because this one is so satisfying for both of us.

We have had these conversations together many times. I also think that is something many couples struggle with is being free enough to communicate clearly what they want. Hell we have “goals” as a couple for 2014 just like I have goals in the gym. It’s like anything else…you want to be good at it, put some effort in it.

I don’t think many people want to be good at monogamy because it’s too hard. Sorta like training. [/quote]

A lot of truth her. Relationships are work.

[quote]H factor wrote:

I don’t think many people want to be good at monogamy because it’s too hard. Sorta like training. [/quote]

Yeah, and it changes.

The person next to you changes and grows, you change and grow. Physically, yes it is the same vagina, so if that is a problem marriage isn’t for you, but the actual person and soul attached to is changing everyday.

That is a lot of the hard part about it. Been with my wife for 10 years+ married for just over 6. Things are better now than they were in year one, because we’ve grow together.

One thing I will say for sure is kids will do one of two things to your relationship:

  1. Bring you together as a couple who is their for your kids, or
  2. Bring you together for the kids, as a couple.

Hope for number one, because as they get older and the two parents aren’t needed as much, you suddenly realize you were just going through the motions, and doing it for the kids. It is one of the hardest parts of having small kids, but you have to, without question, remember that you two are a couple first, and they are your children, not the other way around.

(Speaking in proverbial you here.)

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Currently, I’m struggling a bit with my current relationship and it’s taking a killer hit to my sex drive towards her.

We have a very egalitarian relationship, but my main issue is she cannot handle stress. Stress is always a level 5 and little things that really shouldn’t matter set her off on rants, usually not directed at me, but of course, I’m the caring bf who is there to listen. The problem is it often starts right away in the morning and then as soon as she gets home, I get 1-2 hours of work stories, usually revolving around stress related situations.

Add in the fact I used to do what she does for a living and our jobs are still similar, I end up not even wanting to talk about my day…good or bad. I’m all Accounting/Auditing out. Her stress just becomes my stress. I try to do more. I already do all the cooking, grocery shopping, make her lunches, pay all the bills, do the finances, do the taxes, take care of all the house maintenance stuff, write her workouts, coach her even though it almost always ends in tears b/c she gets upset that I tell her she’s not seeing the results she wants b/c she’s no consistent… Her only chores are to do the dishes (which I do 30-50% of the time anyways b/c I don’t want to hear her bitch about it), do laundry which she is good about, and she cleans the bathrooms and other deep cleaning on the weekends. So I’ll do dishes more or whatever.

Night time comes and I can tell she’s in the mood b/c we do have good sex and she’s super attracted to me, both physically and as a partner, but that wild desire for her I used to have just isn’t there lately. And not going to lie, the other restaurants are looking mighty fine lately…

Ok, huge rant

[quote]countingbeans wrote:
One thing leads to another and next thing you know your dick is in Suzzie next door and you realize you just fucked up the one good thing in your life, because of the very fact it was good, so you were comfortable, and that comfort allowed you to forget to work to maintain it.
[/quote]

Very well said.

Happiness can be boring, and it can be idle, and idleness and boredom are big time aphrodisiacs.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]ZJStrope wrote:
Currently, I’m struggling a bit with my current relationship and it’s taking a killer hit to my sex drive towards her.

We have a very egalitarian relationship, but my main issue is she cannot handle stress. Stress is always a level 5 and little things that really shouldn’t matter set her off on rants, usually not directed at me, but of course, I’m the caring bf who is there to listen. The problem is it often starts right away in the morning and then as soon as she gets home, I get 1-2 hours of work stories, usually revolving around stress related situations.

Add in the fact I used to do what she does for a living and our jobs are still similar, I end up not even wanting to talk about my day…good or bad. I’m all Accounting/Auditing out. Her stress just becomes my stress. I try to do more. I already do all the cooking, grocery shopping, make her lunches, pay all the bills, do the finances, do the taxes, take care of all the house maintenance stuff, write her workouts, coach her even though it almost always ends in tears b/c she gets upset that I tell her she’s not seeing the results she wants b/c she’s no consistent… Her only chores are to do the dishes (which I do 30-50% of the time anyways b/c I don’t want to hear her bitch about it), do laundry which she is good about, and she cleans the bathrooms and other deep cleaning on the weekends. So I’ll do dishes more or whatever.

Night time comes and I can tell she’s in the mood b/c we do have good sex and she’s super attracted to me, both physically and as a partner, but that wild desire for her I used to have just isn’t there lately. And not going to lie, the other restaurants are looking mighty fine lately…

Ok, huge rant[/quote]

Sorry to hear that man.

Many of the girls/women that have been in my life have had at least some tendency to do what you described (about work and stress).

If it affects your desire to have sex with her, the consensus piece of advice–not that you asked–would probably be to talk about it with her. Not sure if that’s been tried.

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This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.