T Nation

Another Relationship Question

TL;DR version: Awesome girl who’s too scared to get physical, what do I do?

Since this seems to be relationship advice week, I’ll ask my own question. I’m a little stumped on this one.

I met a girl a few weeks ago, chemistry is good, personality match is good, really like her and so on. We text throughout the day, talk on the phone, and we’ve had a few lunch/coffee dates that have lasted several hours.

However, things aren’t going anywhere physically. I’m in no real rush, but I’m a bit clueless. I’m getting extremely mixed signals from her, since everything says “go for it”, and as soon as I start, she puts up her defenses immediately. Even if I just try to put my arm around her or hold her hand.

She’s had a few bad relationships, and just generally doesn’t trust guys. And I recently got out of a LTR and my ex is still trying to force herself back in my life. So she’s cautious right now, and I understand that.

I think she’s saying: “I want this to go somewhere, but I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me, so if I keep things platonic, maybe I can pretend I can’t be hurt”. Which I take as meaning if she can learn to trust me, she’ll be ok with things going somewhere.

Is there any hope? And how should I go about doing it? How do I build trust in a platonic relationship, without losing the chemistry/attraction? Is that even the right approach?

Important fact: she turns 20 in a month, and has the maturity and experience of, well, a 20yo. I usually date older girls.

Stop being so available to her?

Otherwise, just give it time and keep your options open. You’re newly single, ffs.

Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff

[quote]imhungry wrote:
Stop being so available to her?

Otherwise, just give it time and keep your options open. You’re newly single, ffs.[/quote]

Yeah. I could/should probably drop my availability even more.

I’m newly single, but this girl is part of the reason. (Because, you know, that’s healthy. cough). Meeting her put some things into perspective, and I ended things with my ex. For the record, my ex is a great girl, our value systems were just too different. It was mutual, this girl just drove the timing.

So she’s understandably cautious on her part. But she’s been giving clear signs she wants to keep seeing me, so that’s fine.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, she seems to want exclusivity without commitment. I probably shouldn’t play into that… just not sure how.

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.

[quote]LoRez wrote:
TL;DR version: Awesome girl who’s too scared to get physical, what do I do?

Since this seems to be relationship advice week, I’ll ask my own question. I’m a little stumped on this one.

I met a girl a few weeks ago, chemistry is good, personality match is good, really like her and so on. We text throughout the day, talk on the phone, and we’ve had a few lunch/coffee dates that have lasted several hours.

However, things aren’t going anywhere physically. I’m in no real rush, but I’m a bit clueless. I’m getting extremely mixed signals from her, since everything says “go for it”, and as soon as I start, she puts up her defenses immediately. Even if I just try to put my arm around her or hold her hand.

She’s had a few bad relationships, and just generally doesn’t trust guys. And I recently got out of a LTR and my ex is still trying to force herself back in my life. So she’s cautious right now, and I understand that.

I think she’s saying: “I want this to go somewhere, but I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me, so if I keep things platonic, maybe I can pretend I can’t be hurt”. Which I take as meaning if she can learn to trust me, she’ll be ok with things going somewhere.

Is there any hope? And how should I go about doing it? How do I build trust in a platonic relationship, without losing the chemistry/attraction? Is that even the right approach?

Important fact: she turns 20 in a month, and has the maturity and experience of, well, a 20yo. I usually date older girls.[/quote]

Kino escalation, very good, dont stop doing that.

In fact, that is how you get her trust, lead her physically, meaning, offer her your arm and lead her from A to B, gently move her around an obstacle with a hand on her back, stuff like that.

Next, sexuality:

First, your ex wanting you back is good ----> other woman want you, your target should know that.

Not by you telling her, but if you meet up with her, do it somewhere where it will get back to your target. Obviously you do not make out with your ex, first because you just dont and second if she is insecure to begin with that might be too much.

Second, prepare for massive shit testing, DO NOT ACCEPT HER FRAME. Right now you are doing that, stop. In the middle of the massive shitstorm, throw in that if you were an asshole, your ex would not be all over you. If she asks why you wont simply go back to her, tell her you want her and your ex should have made up her mind before the shit hit the fan. DHV, social proof, passed shit test, all rolled into one.

Third, after you have lead her from A to B, start to eyefuck her.

Basically you stare into her eyes and think of all the perverted shit you would really like to do with that innocent little dove. For Petes sake, dont overdo it, your goal is for her to “feel the energy” “the sparks” or whatever neo pagan nonsense names girls give to sexual tension these days without her knowing why.

Google it, practice it.

If she starts to shift from one leg to the other or, if she is sitting crosses her legs, you are getting to her.

Then you take her hand in a not so brotherly fashion, stroke it with your thumb, play with her fingers and let the energy build, continue eye fucking.

If she starts blushing, averting her eyes and whatnot, build a last boost of intimacy by stroking a lock of her hair from her forehead and if she give you “the look”, kiss her.

Do that soon or you will be stuck in friendzone forever and at best she can be a social pivot to get to know other girls and as far as I understand neither one of you wants that.

If she puts up any resistance afterwards you are actually allowed to talk about your feelings (shocking, I know!) which would be something like :" I know you need some time bla bla, cannot help but wanting you blabla, ".

Oh yeah, and you can put “I feel the energy and its strong, I simply could not help it” right at the beginning of this conversation.

Since this is what it will have felt like for her, you have both been swept away by a whirlwind of romance, lost in your feelings, it is obviously…

destiny.

I swear to God, every now and then I feel like standing on a street corner and ask any semi attractive woman “Hey, wanna fuck” just to keep my sanity.

[quote]LoRez wrote:

EDIT: Now that I think about it, she seems to want exclusivity without commitment. I probably shouldn’t play into that… just not sure how.[/quote]

No you should not, ex Gf, thats how, plus a reasonably attractive other girl you are seen with.

Thats easy, you can even invite her to dinner or some such, you dont want to have sex with her anyway, might as well go the provider route.

In fact, it does not matter what you do with her as long as you are seen with her often enough and it gets back to her.

If target asks, you and RAG are “just friends”.

Leave it at that.

Plus, I am telling you right now, she is trying to make you a Beta Orbiter.

Probably not consciously, but committment without sex is for women what sex without committment is for men.

Dont do that.

I was wondering how long it would take before GAL started turning into SAMA.

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there

[quote]orion wrote:
Plus, I am telling you right now, she is trying to make you a Beta Orbiter.

Probably not consciously, but committment without sex is for women what sex without committment is for men.

Dont do that. [/quote]

This. Never heard the “Beta Orbiter” thing before, but it’s absolutely accurate. My ex accumulated these guys until she was pretty much her own star system. Her ability to do it was incredible. It was a power thing for her, whether she knew it or not. May be a safety thing with this girl but protecting yourself and exerting power have tremendous overlap.

Don’t be that guy.

[quote]batman730 wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:
Plus, I am telling you right now, she is trying to make you a Beta Orbiter.

Probably not consciously, but committment without sex is for women what sex without committment is for men.

Dont do that. [/quote]

This. Never heard the “Beta Orbiter” thing before, but it’s absolutely accurate. My ex accumulated these guys until she was pretty much her own star system. Her ability to do it was incredible. It was a power thing for her, whether she knew it or not. May be a safety thing with this girl but protecting yourself and exerting power have tremendous overlap.

Don’t be that guy.[/quote]

… I’m feeling a little paranoid now… Feeling like I might be in a couple different star systems…

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

She will like it, all right? She will love it. 'Cos that’s all she’s waiting for from him at the moment.

She’s testing his dirty side…

[quote]orion wrote:
Kino escalation, very good, dont stop doing that.

In fact, that is how you get her trust, lead her physically, meaning, offer her your arm and lead her from A to B, gently move her around an obstacle with a hand on her back, stuff like that. [/quote]

Makes sense. That’s pretty natural to me; dealing with her degree of caution isn’t natural. But I’ll work my way around it. I’ll just have to do it slower. She’s comfortable coming over and drinking at my place, so I know she trusts me enough.

[quote]
First, your ex wanting you back is good ----> other woman want you, your target should know that.

Not by you telling her, but if you meet up with her, do it somewhere where it will get back to your target.[/quote]

The logistics of that aren’t going to work with my ex, but the “other women wanting me” part I can work with. Hot servers/bartenders friends, the girls who hang out with our pool team, etc. I can work with that.

Good point. I’ve become a bit overly empathetic.

[quote]Third, after you have lead her from A to B, start to eyefuck her.

Basically you stare into her eyes and think of all the perverted shit you would really like to do with that innocent little dove. For Petes sake, dont overdo it, your goal is for her to “feel the energy” “the sparks” or whatever neo pagan nonsense names girls give to sexual tension these days without her knowing why.

Google it, practice it. [/quote]

Huh, that makes sense. Intense focus with all the microexpressions from the dirty mind.

There’s been plenty of eye contact, and she gets all dreamy-eyed. Just need to bump it up a notch.

[quote]If she starts to shift from one leg to the other or, if she is sitting crosses her legs, you are getting to her.

Then you take her hand in a not so brotherly fashion, stroke it with your thumb, play with her fingers and let the energy build, continue eye fucking.

If she starts blushing, averting her eyes and whatnot, build a last boost of intimacy by stroking a lock of her hair from her forehead and if she give you “the look”, kiss her.[/quote]

I can work with this. Not verbatim, but I can work with the concept.

There’s a bit more to things than I’ve let on, but I’m not talking about that in public. Damn PMs.

Heh. Well, I appreciate the advice.

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

Got to put some emotion or at least some kinestethics in there:

“You lie on your stomach and spread your ass nervously, I come from behind and you feel my hot breath on your skin. While my rough, warm tongue snakes its way into you, you cannot help but involuntary clench your tight little butt because it feels that good.”

Is that under 144 signs :slight_smile: ?

Dont just tell her, make her feel it.

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

Got to put some emotion or at least some kinestethics in there:

“You lie on your stomach and spread your ass nervously, I come from behind and you feel my hot breath on your skin. While my rough, warm tongue snakes its way into you, you cannot help but involuntary clench your tight little butt because it feels that good.”

Is that under 144 signs :slight_smile: ?

Dont just tell her, make her feel it. [/quote]

Or she could just feel it, without me saying a word.

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

Got to put some emotion or at least some kinestethics in there:

“You lie on your stomach and spread your ass nervously, I come from behind and you feel my hot breath on your skin. While my rough, warm tongue snakes its way into you, you cannot help but involuntary clench your tight little butt because it feels that good.”

Is that under 144 signs :slight_smile: ?

Dont just tell her, make her feel it. [/quote]

Or she could just feel it, without me saying a word.[/quote]

Weeeell, I would have thought that comes after kissing but I dont know what those crazy kids are up to these days…

Just a thought, but…

Have you tried hitting her?

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

Got to put some emotion or at least some kinestethics in there:

“You lie on your stomach and spread your ass nervously, I come from behind and you feel my hot breath on your skin. While my rough, warm tongue snakes its way into you, you cannot help but involuntary clench your tight little butt because it feels that good.”

Is that under 144 signs :slight_smile: ?

Dont just tell her, make her feel it. [/quote]

I want you so bad right now.

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Hmmm

Talk dirty to her all day
hit her phone with crazy texts

Everyone loves filth…be filthy.

Fun stuff[/quote]

Heh. I can’t bring myself to do that. At least not yet.[/quote]

Just do it man.

Send something right now …like

“Lay on your stomach reach back and spread your ass so i can slide my tongue inside you…squeeze your cheeks tight on my tongue”

And go from there[/quote]

Got to put some emotion or at least some kinestethics in there:

“You lie on your stomach and spread your ass nervously, I come from behind and you feel my hot breath on your skin. While my rough, warm tongue snakes its way into you, you cannot help but involuntary clench your tight little butt because it feels that good.”

Is that under 144 signs :slight_smile: ?

Dont just tell her, make her feel it. [/quote]

I want you so bad right now.[/quote]

I doubt that you are the only one.