T Nation

Another approach to foreign policy

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR GEORGE W. BUSH GIVE
FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this.

You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty— starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying, “darn tootin.”

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

A special note from your neighbor… come back when you outgrow the five year old bully mentality.

What is this, bizzaro world?

Let’s see here:

  1. If the US pulled out of Iraq immediately there could be a Sunni/Shia civil war that would destabilize an already shaky region.
    (Not to mention that all those WMD’s have yet to be found, and Haliburton wouldn’t cash in on their contracts.)
  2. Kind of ironic that the US would look to be collecting monies from the UN, when the US hasn’t paid its UN dues in several decades.
  3. Pull out of NATO? List 2 countries drop dead? If I’m not mistaken just about all of NATO supported the US during and after Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan, and many “List 2” countries, (Germany, Norway, Canada) still have troops there putting themselves in harms way alongside US soldiers, but I guess that counts for nothing in your scenario.
    4.) Well, I’m just going to take a guess here, but I think if the US cut off foreign aid to every country that didn’t drink the Kool-Aid on Iraq, that a couple of things would happen. A)Most of the Arab nations that have been working together with the US to combat terrorism would immediately cease doing so;
    B)Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and probably the rest of OPEC would declare an oil embargo on the US…which would probably result in a reevaluation of this foreign policy about a week later.

In closing, if you’re going to construct an elaborate fantasy scenario, it should include at least two exotic dancers with names like Barbie and Candy and some whipped cream, not a bunch of unworkable jingoistic gibberish.

For the freedom to write in English, I thank the soldiers of America, Britain and the Commonwealth, and Russia.

ScottL
You have remarkable writing skills for a fifth grader! Your teacher will probably give you an A for your paper. On your next one can you do like New Centurion suggested, and include Barbie and Candi! That is if your teacher will allow it.

aaah you gotaa love the man’s colloquialism.

The funny thing is if someone foolishly let Bush write his own speech, it would probably be exactly that.

see ya’ll later, gotta get my ungrateful liberal ass back under my rock.

Sorry guys, but this was done about 4 or 5 months ago. If you like that check out the following eh:

Me Solomon Grundy

I could believe it. This is about as deep as Bush’s understanding of foreign affairs and diplomacy gets.