T Nation

Anguished Woman's Screed......

Against Metrosexual Shaving…

A rather salty, but highly amusing, screed.


http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=549&sectionID=11&LayoutType=1

“Oh Gay Boyfriend, you’re SO Macho!”

By Leigh Angela 5/9/2005

I must tell him how hot he is,
for surely he has no idea.
Metrosexuals can suck my hairy twat.

Back in high school and college, my best friends were gay men. They were spirited, they loved to gossip, they always complemented me, they were the best cuddlers, and they had an uncanny ability to make me feel better about myself by putting others down yet remaining friendly and non-judgmental.

But when it came to romance, the only boys that got my blood boiling were those with a bit more machismo. Their muscles bulged and their armpit hair peeked out of their flannel shirts with the sleeves ripped off. Their stone-washed jeans had rows and rows of stringy holes. Tufts of soft, curly hair stood between their chests and their tight, black Def Leppard and Skid Row t-shirts. Their calloused, yellow-stained fingers flicked Montclair Menthols in between tweaks of various parts of their shiny Mach 1’s with the black racing stripes, air shocks and scooped hoods. They smelled like men, they looked like men, they acted like men, and I–being a heterosexual woman–was always turned on by them.

After spending most of the late 90’s with one of these men, I found myself single upon the dawn of a new century. After I got through all the textbook break-up phases (denial, anger, depression, bitterness, casual sex with strangers, and an “oops, sorry, I guess I DON’T love you” rebound), I was eager to find my next main squeeze. But slowly, I started to realize that the men had changed. Where had all my strong and silent, hard-rock listening, muscle car driving, mullet-sporting, chest hair-donning suitors gone?

They had all turned gay!

Suddenly, every time I was on a date in a man?s apartment and excused myself to the bathroom, rather than being surrounded by a bottle of cologne and a micro-chip sized bar of soap with a pubic hair on it, I would see all this extra equipment. If I forgot my moisturizer, I could use his. Hair out of place? What luck! Johnny has some pomade! Pesky back hair? Why, it’s my lucky day?here’s a razor rubber-banded to a ruler! Perfect!

I just love cuddling up to these new-century men on a chilly evening. The way they wrap their shiny, silky-soft arms around me and stab me all over my back with their stubbly, two-day grown-in chest hair?I get the chills just thinking about it. And they smell like rose gardens! They never get sweaty! And when they take off their pants, there’s none of that awful, dirty pubic hair. Nope, it’s ALL shaved off. Every…last…bit of it. So all that’s left is soft, pink, shiny, prepubescent-like skin.

YUCK! Why are you doing this to me, men??? Why are you all turning gay? I’m a heterosexual woman, and I want a MAN! I am a feminine being; I need to be the yin for your yang! I’m a grown woman looking for a grown man, not one that looks like a hairless little boy!

I miss your smell! I miss running my fingers through the curls of your chest hair! I miss your ego being so inflated that you didn?t dare cry in front of me, let alone behind my back. I miss you getting all greasy from working on your car, which wasn’t really broken in the first place. Ok, I don’t miss your belches or your farts, but it really is immature to see who can make them louder or make the dog leave the room first.

I once had to break up with a man because I walked in on him in the bathroom and never got over what I witnessed. It wasn’t a 10-inch dump in the toilet. He wasn’t clutching the latest copy of “Tranny Trist” magazine in one hand and himself in the other. It was just him, holding a razor, gracefully balancing on one leg, the other leg up on the ledge of the bathtub, shaving his toned, tanned calves. I can feel my vagina losing moisture and shriveling now just thinking about it.

Another dumped me because I stopped giving him head. I didn’t want to, but my lips became so cut up and sore from all the stubble on his shaft that I just couldn’t do it anymore! And when I tried to use my hand, it felt like I was stroking wood–literally–and getting splinters!

Men, do you really have to be so gay now? Do you really have to smell SO fresh? Do you really have to have skin so soft, supple and pink? I liked you fine when you let your natural testosterone reign over your body. Please, leave the shaving below the neck to us women. I know you hate feeling stubble on our legs when we haven’t shaved in a few days; how do you think it would feel if that stubble was covering your chests while we tried to lay on top of you? I’ll tell you how it feels. IT FRIGGING ITCHES!

Are you doing this because you really hate cuddling THAT much? Well it’s working!

When, between 1989 and today, did body hair suddenly become so dirty and revolting? Aren’t we all showering? Now every new guy I meet boasts with a sexy grin that he keeps himself “clean and trimmed,” then waits for me to pounce on him at the mere vision. Well I’m turned off already! Shaving it DOESN’T make it look bigger! To me, it just makes it look like a little, slimy, pink, pre-pubescent, wiggle worm. It makes you look twelve. It makes you look girly. The hair doesn’t bother me. I’ll take the hair over a pink, pre-pubescent, or porcupine ANY day.

I’m sorry you had to listen to me swoon about how “Gay Gavin” would make a better boyfriend than you because he really listens and doesn?t mind holding my purse while I try on jeans. I’m sorry I asked you to shower because your underarms smelled like “guinea pig vomit.” I’m sorry I cried and accused you of loving your '76 Chevy Nova more than me. I want the old you back.

Why are you all so homophobic, yet you shun, wax, shave, and scrub off everything that is anti- 'mo about yourself? Why, when you KNOW it’s true that you look better with age and character, do you avoid letting your natural handsome features speak for themselves? Why are you all turning into the high-maintenance, self-absorbed women you used to get so annoyed by? Why do you claim to hate insecure chicks, yet now you have to change everything about your body? It isn’t a lie that for most girls, personality is more important than looks. My aforementioned late 1990’s ex was a sexy, balding, hairy-backed beast with a killer sense of humor. And no, he wasn’t rich!

Please men, just be yourself. Butch lesbians are more manly than most of you these days, and unfortunately, they just don’t do it for me…

In this world that you speak of…I am a god!!

Hair chest and backs rule!

FINALLY!!

If she would of said that she finds potbellies sexy my day would have been complete.

A - MEN !

Also, some girls, please don’t shave “from bottom to top”, if you know what I mean. Just keep yourself clean, because it can really, really sting if it’s too close around the little boat … I couldn’t wear jeans for a day, and people began asking about hemerroids …

Interesting article. Too bad most women don’t like chest hair on a guy. And I sure as hell don’t want to be with a woman who has a “hairy twat” either!

Some of us are hairy beasts. So we trim ourselves to look less beastly, but still manly! I’ll leave the shaving and waxing to the gay guys and the Abercrombie models.

And if I meet a woman that actually likes chest hair, I’ll let it grow out. However, all this talk about smelling like roses and not sweating is crazy! I’m clean, but I don’t need all the moisturizers. And I sweat like a man!

Also, I think the author brings up some good points, and the reason for this change in men is due to society…just like the way it’s been for women throughout the years. TV and all the ads you see in magazines and such have taken away the “manly” part of being men and replaced it with a softer, metrosexual male that sits on the fine line between hetreosexual and homosexual.

I keep going back and forth on chest hair. Clean shaven is a cool look, but the stuble when it grows back?!?! No, I can only imagine what it must feel like to have your shirt catch on that. And shaving my whole damn chest everyday sounds like way too much work, may face is enough area to cover. And I do trim my armpits and around the junk. For a few reasons, I am waaayyyy too damn hariy in both places. That and the junk looks bigger when the trees are trimmed.

[quote]Nate Dogg wrote:
Interesting article. Too bad most women don’t like chest hair on a guy.[/quote]

Women love to run their hands through my chest hair. My back hair, not so much.

[quote]doogie wrote:
Women love to run their hands through my chest hair. My back hair, not so much.

[/quote]

LOL! Well, you probably date “older” women too. I’ve noticed that women who are 35> tend to like chest hair. Younger women do not.

As for back hair, I don’t think any woman would say she enjoys rubbing her hands through it.

Does any gal get the eyebrow tweezing/eyeliner thing that some metro guys do??? I don’t mind a guy trimming his chest hairs a bit, especially if he’s snarly. But makeup on a guy no. Also, a girlfriend of mine had a boyfriend who powdered his genital area, BIG NO-NO, definitely makes me think of babies and diaper changes. This metrosexual thing’s gotta go. God bless our cro-magnon guys.

Every woman i knew likes chest hair, it’s all in how you carry it. I never apologised for it and it was loved and accepted. Women care about confidence not silly things like chest hair, unless they can smell the guy being too metro sexual. Then the topic comes up.

[quote]Nate Dogg wrote:

LOL! Well, you probably date “older” women too. I’ve noticed that women who are 35> tend to like chest hair. Younger women do not.
[/quote]

I’m only 32, and I’ve been married 6 years. I never dated anyone over 26 before I got married. I think it has more to do with being in Texas than age. Women here look at meterostuff differently that on the coasts.

[quote]doogie wrote:
Nate Dogg wrote:

LOL! Well, you probably date “older” women too. I’ve noticed that women who are 35> tend to like chest hair. Younger women do not.

I’m only 32, and I’ve been married 6 years. I never dated anyone over 26 before I got married. I think it has more to do with being in Texas than age. Women here look at meterostuff differently that on the coasts.[/quote]

Interesting.

You have to understand tx is a big place. In all my dating endevers I have found that Tx women do like clean shaven chest, and other triming. I have been with women form 20 - 36 in the Dallas/Ft. Worth and same goes with So. Cal. When I was Stationed at Camp Pendelton.

[quote]djbige05 wrote:
You have to understand tx is a big place. In all my dating endevers I have found that Tx women do like clean shaven chest, and other triming. I have been with women form 20 - 36 in the Dallas/Ft. Worth and same goes with So. Cal. When I was Stationed at Camp Pendelton.[/quote]

Ok. New theory. Women tell you what they think you want to hear. It’s not like most women see you with your shirt off before they decide to hook up with you. If it’s shaved, fine. If it’s not shaved fine. I’ve never had a woman ask me to shave anything.

[quote]doogie wrote:
Ok. New theory. Women tell you what they think you want to hear. It’s not like most women see you with your shirt off before they decide to hook up with you. If it’s shaved, fine. If it’s not shaved fine. I’ve never had a woman ask me to shave anything.[/quote]

I agree with this one 100%.

Or…

It’s pretty apparent whether someone is really hairy or not, even when clothed. We are attracted to what we like. So it seems obvious that women who prefer less hair are going to be attracted to less hairy men, and women who like a bear are going to be attracted to more hairy men.

Hair is good. I like hair.
However, I hear the new thing among the kids is “going Brazilian” which means shaving the pubic region. Hey, I’m sorry, but if some guy dropped trou and I saw he had shaved his pubic hair I would start thinking I’ve got a bus to catch and start looking for the exit.