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Am I being too possessive?

Okay, I would really appreciate feedback on whether you think I am being overly jealous or possessive or whether I should just chill… My boyfriend and I have been going out for just over 3 years and like any relationship it has its ups and downs. We don’t live together He has just moved into a new flat with 4 others. I don’t have an issue with that but what concerns me is that he goes out to pubs with them and I am not invited - mainly because I don’t drink. I trust him and he has never cheated on me (to my knowledge), however he is an attractive guy and girls flirt with him when he is out. It is now getting to the stage where I get really uptight when he goes out without me and it is starting to affect our relationship. I understand that he needs his space and time out with the guys but I just wish that he didn’t have to frequent clubs and pubs to do it.

What has made it worse is that a girl I know tried to hit on him one night when he was out and was all over him and what makes it worse is that she knew he was my boyfriend!! Nothing happended but the worse thing is that he didn’t tell me about it but I found out through another person! This has really damaged my trust and brought to my attention that there are a lot of sleazy girls out there and my man goes out among them!!! Anyway I would like some feedback on whether you think that my feelings of jealousy and anxiety when he goes out without me are normal or whether I am being paranoid and need to trust him and just chill out. He probably only goes out maybe one a week or once a fortnight so it’s not all the time, but when it happens it pisses me off so much that we end up fighting about it. I try to just trust him as he is a great guy and I know that he loves me, but in the back of my mind I just can’t help thinking that despite this he is a guy afterall and a lot of guys would stray if they had the chance. Am I just being paranoid?? Appreciate any comments from guys and girls alike.

Guys don’t tell you things that might make you rant at them, especially if it just gives you more ammo to make your point-a no win situation for him.

Three years!! get engaged, married, or move on! -I suspect this may be the real reason for you’re increasing jealousy-been there, done that. I dumped him, THEN he wanted to get married. Alas, it was toooooo late for him.

Well my best friend and soul mate, who also happens to be my boyfriend is currently in sunny Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with his mom, brother and sister. Having a great time and today he and his brother went to a Bullfight! Wish I could be there, but alas, I must work. A relationship between ANYONE is all about trust and respect. Ko (my boyfriend) and I trust each other through and through. If we didn’t - we couldn’t be friends. We share the same interests and can’t wait to tell each other about the day we’ve had. We share in the joys of our victories and the agonies of our defeat. He’s the best damn looking guy I’ve ever known and also someone who has the best heart. Ooops, sorry. I do miss him - can’t wait until Saturday. But what I’m getting at is that while we love spending time with each other, we also love to do the things we like to do with or w/out each other. Helps in the areas of personal growth. If you are so jealous of your boyfriend when he goes out that does mean you don’t trust him. And you outlined why. A relationship ain’t a ball and chain. You are not required to spend every waking hour with your sig other. But you should trust each other enough when you do spend that time apart. It’s not his fault that you don’t drink - however, when I’m not touching the alcohol and getting ready for a show, I still go out to hang with my boyfriend - we have alot of the same friends anyways. I don’t know you or your boyfriend - but it seems there are trust issues on both sides. On a side note, I always find it funny about that “guys night out” or “girls night out” - thank god we and our friends aren’t into that nonsense. We all just hang out together. Anywhoos, maybe you should just start hanging out with him and the boys, could be pretty fun. Something new, something different.

You would think after 3 years you would trust the guy. Maybe they don’t want to take you out with them because you always harbor your bf and when they get a chance to be with him they have to take it.

I know this will sound weird coming from me after what has happened. But I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I do not tell my gf everything, but I do not lie either. (Although others call it lying by omision.) I do not call it that. I would call it that if she asked me if I had done something w/someone else, and I said yeah, we fooled around, (when really I got laid.) But if she has no clue, I’m not going to come home one night and say, “hey, sorry but I fucked up and threw away our entire relationship.” Anyway, my point is that temptation is a bitch. And people love attention. You should have some concerns, especially if he is attractive, only bc attention (when from the opposite sex) is vey flattering. But be upfront and ask him. If he stumbles w/ his words or becomes way defensive, then it is too late, he has already cheated.

Well, you have a number of things to consider. First of all, if he has not “strayed” then you have no reason not to trust him. The trust issues you have brought up must go deeper than just your guy going out with his boys. There must be something else going on for you to be so afraid when he does go out. Guys and girls do need time away from each other. If you try to stiffle him he will resent you and you will lose him and your other friends. I have seen couples cling exclusively to each other and pretty soon nobody wants to have anything to do with them. In a healthy relationship you should be able to have time away from each other without worrying about what the other person is doing. As far as going to pubs with his boys–well, that’s what guys do. They’re not going to go to theatres or bowling or for lunch–they go to pubs, have a few beers and shoot the breeze. Or they go to the gym and then for a beer. Their conversation is different than when women are around, just like ours is too. When I go out with my girls, I don’t want my husband with me because I can’t be free to talk about “girl” kind of stuff. He would just roll his eyes and make me feel like I’m imposing “death” upon him. I like to take that time to laugh and be silly and share things that only women share. Guys are the same.
So, chill out and relax. If you pick fights over his time out, then he won’t be open with you about who he goes with and who he meets (ie. the girl that was hitting on him). He probably didn’t tell you because he knew how angry you would get and felt it wasn’t worth fighting about because NOTHING HAPPENED. Or, if you can’t chill out, then you need to sit down and discuss what the real problem is and how to deal with it as a couple. If you can’t, then your relationship is not stable.

you sound like a dingbat sweetie, that sometimes can be a good and cute thing. Tho eventually it gets annoying and tramples the relationship. Here’s an interestinc concept, the more jealous you are/get the less interested this dood will be in you. Relationships (like it or not) are a power struggle, the person who is jealous most has the least power. Perhaps you are exhibiting this loss of power by trying to tighten the reins on your bf thus give yourself a bigger feeling of control? He probably didn’t tell you (that some chick hit on him) because he knows you, knows how you would react, and either wanted to spare you or himself your emotional outburst. You know what to do… trust the guy, if he cheats on you break it off… you can’t possibly control him completely.

I agree with most of what has been posted. If you don’t trust him after 3 years of being with him there are some underlieing issues. A girl was hitting on him, so what? Your only problem is if he actually did something more than flirt back. Why do you feel he has to recount every minute of his time away from you? You need to deal with these underlieing trust issues or they will never go away. Talk to him, it will either settle your head or move you towards the end… and either choice may be the correct one. And I have to agree with Unger, unless you’re in college, after 3 years you porbably know if this one is ‘the one’

The short answer is: YES! But here’s the explanation – there’s something else going on in your relationship causing it. Usually it’s a lack of communication. You’re feeling insecure in the relationship for some reason. He’s maybe feeling a bit choked in the relationship for some reason. NOBODY looks outside the relationship unless some need isn’t being met inside it. If you just stay silent about these things, they will eventually come to a head through cheating, leaving, or whatever. Sit down and talk about it in an unthreatening manner – WITH HIM. Don’t talk this over with your girlfriends (probably already too late on that one). Do some reading – The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman), The Art of Understanding Your Mate (Cecil Osbourn), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), Letters to Karen (for you, don’t remember the author)/Letters to Philip (for him, same author).

I agree with Michelle and Unger on the 3 year thing. Unless you are in high school or college, if you aren’t anywhere near making permanent committments to one another–it probably isn’t going to happen. I’ve never quite understood why people need to “date” for so many years once they are settled into independent life. It makes no sense. If this guy is “the one” then you should trust him, get engaged, move in together, and then marry. End of story.

fucking tell him how you feel and don’t hold back. i for one am really sick of being afraid of starting shit. if you feel a certain way, you are NOT paranoid, it is how you feel. speak up.

are you that damn insecure? has he done anything that would make you not trust him in the past? if so, you should have dropped him then. if that is the case, i have no sympathy for self inflicted wounds. if he has done nothing to make you not trust him, then why are you so paranoid? the girl hit on him, not the other way around. and i dont think i would have told you either. i have told girls about incidents of women flirting or whatever, and it only upsets them. so now i dont, unless i am totally joking. he may be the same way. if he felt it had no real bearing on anything, why would he have told you? if he is anything like me, he NEEDS time to himself, away from you. no disrespect intended, not because he doesnt ‘love’ you, not because he hates you, not because he is tired of you, but because he needs his own time. i know a lot of guys, and girls, that are like that. individual time is important to them. and it can make the relationship better. as long as you dont go buck wild on him for needing that time. if he wants to be w/ his friends, same story. i dont like mixing girls im seeing w/ friends for the most part. i do not like to divide attention, because it inevitably leads to someone getting pissed cuz i didnt pay enough attention to them (usually the female). even when they say it doesnt bother them, it always does. not faulting anyone for wanting attention from one they care about, but in certain settings, you are not going to get much, plain and simple. perhaps he thinks the same way. not all guys will stray. whether you believe that or not is up to you, but not every guy is a horny pig that will bang anything that breathes. if you cant trust him, then that is something YOU need to deal w/. he can do nothing to set your mind at ease, only YOU can. let him have his time. suffication is a very, VERY bad thing. hope things work out for you two.

Maybe there should be another formun for this stuff, i can see the Testosterone leaving mens bodies as i type. if you girls are as anoying as your posts, no wonder. enough of all the love sick questions please, guys and girls. something should be figured out by they person they will affect the most, you.

First, you should start to drink…That’s critical. Second, if he goes out once a week, who cares. I was in Italy for three months where I seemed to have developed a fan club at the local bieraria (not for looks mind you, I think they got a kick out of any attempt I made to speak italian), but I came home to my now wife with out ever slipping up. She never doubted me, so don’t doubt him. We like to get fussed over by women, that was the best part of Italy. I never did cheat. If you want to get married though…better start drinkin’ lord knows you’ll need it when your married! :slight_smile:

Thank you all so much for your comments and for taking the time to respond. I have taken all your comments on board and agree with most of them. I don’t think that it is so much of a trust issue but more of an “insecurity due to lack of attention” issue. He has just started a new job and seems to spend half his life there and has a new flat and flatmates who are extremely social and consequently I have been feeling second-best and slightly left-out. I think also the fact that he has told me he is not ready to move in with me yet has also made me insecure. We used to spend a fair amount of quality time together and I think that this is what I am missing. This lack of QUALITY time makes me feel less important in his life and I feel like I am losing him - as a result I am clinging onto him because of this and probably suffocating the poor guy as many of you kindly pointed out. I realise that we need time apart but I think that there also needs to be a balance, ie: we also need to spend time together - just us, no flatmates, no workmates, no parents. I have written him a letter to let him know how I feel as I think is the best option given that if I speak I will only cry and he’ll never know how I feel or he’ll just interrupt and tell me that I shouldn’t feel that way and that I’m overreacting!! Thanks once again for everyones comments. It’s great to have a forum where one can discuss these issues with other similar folk. I guess if you love something it’s best to set it free and if it comes back to you it’s yours - if it doesn’t - it never was! Wish me luck!

I don’t agree w/ you people telling them to get married, that’s not very cool. Should mind your own business…

I just don’t believe marriage is the all-proving indicator of love between two people. The whole “after 3-years and if you’re not married, it’s not worth it” talk is very wrong. I’ve been with my guy for 5-years now - we’re not married - and we’re happy, so is there something wrong? Uh, nope. And again, marriage doesn’t prove a damn thing. However this chick does have some issues and needs to face 'em.

wow, you took the verbal beatings very well…:stuck_out_tongue: i am not him, and have no clue about what he is thinkin, but i can tell you that life can make relationships hard. a new job is a seriously stressful thing for him, im sure you know that. and a new place w/ new ppl can quickly and easily eat at him. that may be why he isnt crazy about the advancing the relationship idea. just a thought… i understand your want for attention, it is only natural to want attention from someone you care about. i know that i definately do not want to get married until i have a stable career, and he may think the same way. i dont know, im just trying to offer possibilities of why he is acting as he is. i do hope you give him the time to let things settle down in his life, and not get to crazy on him:) again, good luck w/ your relationship.

I second Steve F. Who the hell is anybody to say that if she’s been w/him for 3 years she should be getting married or something is wrong. Uh, WHATEVER (In a “Clueless” tone.)

some of us on this topic are spouting off relationship advice when “we” don’t even know how to deal with our own. hypocritcal bullshit should be kept under wraps.