T Nation

Am I Being Completely Unreasonable?


#1

Long time member here, different name for this reason.

So, 11 months ago is when me and my girlfriend started dating. About a month or so into the relationship she told me that she goes to AA meetings. This made me feel really weird but I said it was no big deal in hoped that having an open mind would have me being acceptable.

My girlfriend was a little crazy as a teenager and as a result ended up in AA at 18 years old. She's now 23. She says that she has no problem with substances but when she goes to the meeting the help her in life, I guess as like structure. Anyway as she kept going to meetings the more it bothered me but after awhile she stopped going. She hasn't been to a meeting since September and we've both been fine but last night she decided to tell me that she's going to go back. Theres something about it that I can't accept. I don't like how cultish it is and how odd the members are and I don't like the stigma surrounding it. She doesn't tell anyone because she's embarrassed and I obviously don't either.

I can't accept the woman I love going to AA meetings for the rest of her life because everytime she feels down or something goes wrong she runs to a meeting. I don't feel its healthy, for her or me. We fought all night about this, I'm willing to try any other alternative (therapist,doctor etc) but she won't budge and essentially gave me an ultimatum of it's either accept it or we have to break up.

I just don't know if I'm being completely unreasonable or if she is also but I don't feel like I need to have the AA culture in my life forever. I full support her sobriety, but thats not what this is about. I don't want to break up but I don't feel its fair to have to feel discomfort or resentment every time she goes to a meeting.

Thoughts?


#2

I’m pretty sure Fight Club covers this for you.


#3

put as many miles between you two as possible.


#4

Yes, you’re being unreasonable. If she isn’t fucking anyone at the meeting, or calling her fuck sessions behind your back “meetings” you’re focused on the wrong shit in life.

You two are doomed at if neither of you can reconcile something this, well, petty.

What are you going to do in 15 years when your world views change and you grow as people?

If everything else is good in your relationship…


#5

You should break up. You are a douche and she deserves better.


#6

Take her out for some Scotch. Nobody likes a quitter


#7

[quote]crowdhater wrote:
Take her out for some Scotch. Nobody likes a quitter[/quote]

this~

I like my women like I like my cupboards…filled with liqueur~


#8

AA is a cult, they trick you into joining, shame you into continuing, and keep you there with their evil thoughts of taking over the world.

srsly, worse than Scientology~


#9

[quote]Who wrote:
I don’t feel its fair to have to feel discomfort or resentment every time she goes to a meeting.

Thoughts?[/quote]

I think you’re the one who would do well to see a therapist.

Dump your girlfriend so that she can find someone more supportive of her sobriety and personal growth.


#10

You’re not okay with your girlfriend addressing her problems anonymously with people she has a history of trust with, yet you created a new account here to deal with yours?

She shouldn’t be embarrassed about going to AA. She should be embarrassed about dating you. You’re clearly only concerned with how society’s stigma regarding AA and her past substance abuse reflects upon you.


#11

you guys should cut the Op some slack here - none of you have any 'sperience with these cults -

Pretty soon, his sweet litte gf will be sacrificing babies and dancing nekkid in the woods - then who’ll ya’all be hasseling then, hmmm?


#12

You’re 11 months in, and you’re 25 years old. If you can’t accept the things that come with being in a relationship with an addict, then move on.


#13

No way this is real. No one could really be so much of a dick as to try and stop their girlfriend going to AA.


#14

it WILL happen!


#15

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
You should break up. You are a douche and she deserves better.[/quote]

x2


#16

I’m really not to shocked by some of the shots you guys have taken at me. I come with a legitimate question and concern and in turn I’m called names and whatever else. Me and her have spoken on the topic, she expressed how AA is, and how they are. You can’t challenge them, they shun you when your not there, they make you feel like your life will crumble around you when you’re not going and if you’re going through a tough time its because you’re not in meetings. There’s also nothing anonymous about meetings so lol at that.

I’m not trying to stunt her growth as a person, I just don’t think its the absolute best option for her in terms of growth. I’m also completely support her sobriety and have no issue with her past. She comes from a household thats completely detrimental to her, her mother, father, sister, all terrible to be around. I’m not completely opposed to her even going I just think it would be good to try another option and see if its better. I know, I’m a huge douche though.


#17

I proudly stood by your side, WhoBear~


#18

[quote]Who wrote:
I’m really not to shocked by some of the shots you guys have taken at me. I come with a legitimate question and concern and in turn I’m called names and whatever else. Me and her have spoken on the topic, she expressed how AA is, and how they are. You can’t challenge them, they shun you when your not there, they make you feel like your life will crumble around you when you’re not going and if you’re going through a tough time its because you’re not in meetings. There’s also nothing anonymous about meetings so lol at that.

I’m not trying to stunt her growth as a person, I just don’t think its the absolute best option for her in terms of growth. I’m also completely support her sobriety and have no issue with her past. She comes from a household thats completely detrimental to her, her mother, father, sister, all terrible to be around. I’m not completely opposed to her even going I just think it would be good to try another option and see if its better. I know, I’m a huge douche though. [/quote]

You’ve been together 11 months. She’s been going to AA for five years, she has more history with that than with you so you can’t make that cease to be important to her.

If you spent five years working out seriously and getting in shape and you felt it was beneficial to you and then started seeing someone that said “Ok, stop doing that now, you’re getting too big, I feel resentment every time you work out” you would probably fight about it too


#19

[quote]aeyogi wrote:

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
You should break up. You are a douche and she deserves better.[/quote]

x2[/quote]

x3


#20

[quote]Who wrote:
I’m really not to shocked by some of the shots you guys have taken at me. I come with a legitimate question and concern and in turn I’m called names and whatever else. Me and her have spoken on the topic, she expressed how AA is, and how they are. You can’t challenge them, they shun you when your not there, they make you feel like your life will crumble around you when you’re not going and if you’re going through a tough time its because you’re not in meetings. There’s also nothing anonymous about meetings so lol at that.

I’m not trying to stunt her growth as a person, I just don’t think its the absolute best option for her in terms of growth. I’m also completely support her sobriety and have no issue with her past. She comes from a household thats completely detrimental to her, her mother, father, sister, all terrible to be around. I’m not completely opposed to her even going I just think it would be good to try another option and see if its better. I know, I’m a huge douche though. [/quote]

The thing is, all of your thoughts and feelings about the organization are irrelevant. Her life, her sobriety, her choice. It would be the same as someone telling me I can’t run because they believe it’s bad for knees and why don’t I try a stationary bike instead? Um, because I like to run and lift and if you support me being fit, then running and lifting is what you support. Since that’s what I do.

You don’t get to choose HOW to support her sobriety and growth, she does. Your choice is to either support it by being supportive or not. In which case don’t pretend you do support her - you don’t.