T Nation

Am I Bad?


I came home from college 3 days ago. During the college semester I never get to come home because I go to school so far away and my family isn't that well off so I can't fly home whenever I want.

I do go to school around my uncles, aunts, and grandmother (45 mi away)on my moms side. My grandmother has Dementia,a form of Alzheimer's disease, and over this past year it has gotten really bad. Last night she inhaled a piece of food that collapsed one of her lungs. After being rushed to the ER she was hooked up to a respirator.

My moms sister and brother start calling here talking with my mom to ask what to do. My mother is the oldest child and the only one who has done anything with her life. Both my uncles are drunks(harsh to say but the truth) and my aunt is bipolar along with many other mental illnesses. Anyway my mom said to sign a DNR and let her pass and she'd leave in the morning to go be with the family. Well everyone called her cold hearted and mean. But the thing is no one there wants to care take care of her. My grandmother has sat in her own fecis for hours because my uncles won't clean her because it's "gross"! None of them want to watch her or care of her. It's like she is a burden to them and they just say F..k it it's too hard I don't want to do it.

So my mom left this morning and the plan is to take my grandmother off the respirator tonight. This means she will die. So in escence my mom is going to see her mom for the last time. However, when she left she didn't cry at all. When I asked her if she was ok she said that she was and she will back when everything was taken care of.

I know when she gets there she will be blamed for her moms passing and there will be fights. So my dad is taking me and brother there tomorrow. However, I don't want to go. I am so disgusted with my family I can't bare to be with them. I almost feel like balming them for ruining my break, in the sence that if they took care of my grandmother she won't be like this right now. I also don't want to go, beacuse I can't see my grandma that way and for damn sure can't watch them put her in the ground. I don't don't know what to do or how to feel. I figure that my mom needs me even though see didn't say it and I will go and be strong for her.

I guess this is life...and right now it sucks.

I'm off to the gym to clear my head.


Easy lad. My apologies on the situation-life takes such shit turns sometimes.

You are not bad at all- you have no fault, it is not your fault that your family has turned out so miserably. My family is similar in the drugs and alcohol addiction end (Sucks, huh?).

I wouldn't go see your grandmother in the hospital. Remember her as you wish to, as a person who you loved- not as a hospital patient. And understand your mother's postition- wouldn't you rather die with some dignity, than be forced on or neglected by relatives? Be there for your immediate family.

It isn't your families fault, your mother's, or your own. Its just life. This is the shit that happens. Only now and I am starting to be able to deal with this a little better. Stay strong bro.


You'll never regret helping someone in need or being there to support them...when they need it, not when you want to give it. You only regret not doing it. Be with your mom. It isn't any easier for her.

I got about 25 years on you son so I'm telling you how I've felt looking back not how you may feel going forward.

Do the right thing, as you see it. That last sentence may be the hardest question you'll ever have to answer.


Thank you very much for the words of wisdom. I am going to be with my mom and to see my family. I just wish it were under different circumstances.

Everyone have a great holiday season.


I was going to post and suggest that you do just that, until you answered your own question.

As FightinIrish said, you don't have to see your grandma in that state. But you should be there for your Mom, and for the funeral.

And ya, it does suck. But being strong for others will also make you stronger.

Best of luck.

\|/ 3Toes


Thank You


Awesome avatar.


In the early 1990s, my dad died of prostate cancer. The whole process took over a year. Towards the end he was very ready to die. He talked about the whole process taking too long. He was a very religious guy.

When he was young, he was in a seminary studying to be a Marist brother. As he got older, he decided to forgoe the priesthood. Nonetheless, death held no surprises for him.

The last time I saw him, he was in a VA hospital with three other old vets. He was medicated on painkillers but very lucid, happy and chatty. Within a week, he was dead.

When the call came to go to the VA after he died, I went with my mother and uncle. My dad was still in the room, in bed. I waited in the hall outside his room. I wanted to remember him as I last saw him - lucid and happy. I never regretted that decision.


I think I will be taking yours and Irishes advice and not see my grandmother in the hospital. I know it's corny to say but I don't do well with the emotional stuff.

My best friends dad died over the summer and I cried harder than anyone at the funeral. If she pulls through I'll see her when she comes home or I'll make my peace with things at the funeral.

Thank you for your reply.


I try to go with the lighter side of life, everyone needs to smile once in awhile!


Im gonna chime in and back up what everyone else has told you.

My great grandmother pretty much raised me and my brother. Thanks to my mom and dads drug and alchole use. So I know how that shit is. My great grandmother also cant evern remember anything or any one. She seems to remember me and my brother. But, only as kids.

My whole family went through the same thing. Passing here form family member to family member. All saying it was too hard to take care of her. Hell, I even helped out. I mean I might not even be here if it wasnt for her. I was the least I could do.

But now she is in a nursing home and she has been in there for 5 years she is 94. I have been to see her once. Right before I got deployed to Iraq. Just incase you know, I didnt make it back.

I dont think I will ever go back. It was so hard for me to see the woman that was so strong and that raised me and my brother not even being able to walk or talk well.

Now I am not a weak man and I hardly ever cry. Thanks to all the things that have happened in my life. But, it took every thing I had not cry in front of her. Hell, Im getting choked up just thinking about it now.

But, after I left there I cryed like a little girl. And I told myself I would never go back. Just because that is not the way I want to remember her.

So in closing you are not a bad person in how you feel. Ive felt the same way about my family. But, Im sorry that all this has happened. But, its not your fault. I hope everything works itself out.



I remember when my great grandmother died, my grandfather wanted to take me to see her (I was about 11) in the hospital. I wanted to go, and my parents refused to let me...I cried for the rest of the day about them not letting me see her...my father later told me that this was the reason- they didn't want me to see her in that state, or in the hospital. They wanted the idealized version that was in my head to stay with me, and none others. I have never thanked my old man for that decision...I should though. I only realized a couple years ago that this was one of the best things he ever did for me.


Well I'm finally off to see my mom and grandma. I will try to update this tread throughout the week. More so for me to get stuff off my chest and vent.

Take care everyone.


Today at 9:00 a.m. I arrived at Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi, TX. My entire family on my mothers side was there. My grandmas 5 sisters, my 2 uncles, my 2 aunts, my 2 cousins, and my moms 4 cousins.

When I got there my grandma had been taken off the respirator and made as comfortable as she could be. All of us were crammed into a little room huddled around a hospital bed waiting for her to pass. I was asked by mom if I wanted to talk with my grandma and make my peace with her. I told her I had nothing to say. However, my grandmas sisters had other plans. You see my moms side of the family is hispanic, and when someone is passing everyone is there and everyone says thier piece.

For the next 3 hours we all watched my grandma fight to breathe. Everyone was breaking down but no one left. At 1:03 p.m. she had finally exhausted herself and was pronounced dead.

We are now in the process of arranging the funeral and everything else that needs to be done.