T Nation

Am I an Ass?

This is a serious question–please overlook all the times ive been an ass. I really offended my wife yesterday and I nothing I say seems to make it any better. She was bitching about how I never give her any. Its true we dont do it as much as we did when we were first dating 3 yrs ago (every night)but thats normal.(Weve been married 1 yr). I tried to explain to her that weve been taking lots of recreational Vicodin every night for a week and plus she was ragging(its hard to have sex when you eat 6-8 Darvosets a night for fun plus alcohol). She kept bitching and accused me of using porn instead of her which isnt true and then she asked if I was seeing someone (which im not, and Im not interested in anyone either). Then she asked if I still find her attractive because why does she only get it once or twice a wk. I said well not as much as when we first started going out no (shes gained about 50 lbs since then for the love of christ! she used to be a real MILF}. She got all upset and started crying and said I didnt find her attractive anymore and blah blah. I tried to reassure her but it was too late. She brought up that her hot friend gets it 4 times a week. Well of course she does shes fucking hot,I would do her friend 4 times a day but what does that have to do with us? I brought up the fact that I could overlook a little weight if she was nice all the time but since shes mostly a bitch its hard to get turned on. BTW im 26 and shes 32 and I see hot 20 year-olds at school every day and it pisses me off that she doesnt look like them. So now our relationship is fucked-she says shes not mad at me just hurt. I love her so what should I do?

You ASSHOLE. Just kidding. Maybe you could use this event as motivation to get her to start working out so she can look like the 20 year old’s you’d bang 4 times a day. If That doesn’t work and she doesn’t change, then I’m not sure. Since you lover her I guess you just have to deal w/it. One word of advice bro. You may not find her as attractive now as you did at first, but I’m sue there are people who do or would atleast make her feel like they do just to get some. You gonna’ have to make her feel wanted even if its not fully true. Also, nobody EVER wants to hear this, but if you’re NOT givin’ it to her, and she wants it, god forbid she may find it somewhere else. Some sleezy guys can tell when a woman is vulnerable or feeling down or unatractive, and feed her the attention she desires, just to get some. I don’t know, I guess I’m not the best one to give relationship advice on this forum, but best of luck.

First of all, I think its normal to have less sex then when you first started going out. I dont even think you have to justify that point. Secondly I do think you have a problem. Its not the number of times you have sex but its that you dont find her as attractive and it “pisses” you off. You have one of two choices. Help her become a hotty again. Encourage her and support her through the process. Or if she is not willing to help herself then dump her. You’re way to young to be stuck with someone you dont find attractive and it simply wont work in the long run. The least you could do for her is to put her back on the market while she is young(ish) and has value. Dont wait several years for her to become old and a complete pig (in everyone’s eyes) for you to do it. It will just make it harder for her to find someone else. -Hope this helps.

Well CM, 50 lbs is a lot to gain… If you want to keep this thing going invite her to train with you, or offer to make her up a diet exercise plan to help her loose the weight. Do they make vicodin light?

Yes, you’re an ass. I see several things wrong here, so it’s hard to know where to start. Women don’t want to hear your honest opinion when they ask questions like this. They want to be validated. As for the “it’s normal” suggestion, all I can say is you’re dead wrong there. And if you persist in this thinking, your relationship will also be dead wrong. There’s obviously something missing in your relationship on both parts, so you need to delve into that and solve it. I’ve suggested books in other posts, read them. Both of you. If you want that MILF back, then you have to praise her in every way you can, even if it’s only wishful thinking. She will become what you expect, and expectations are magnified by words. She needs two things – (1) to know she’s the most important thing in the world to you, and if you just told her that two seconds ago you haven’t said it often enough, and (2) security. If you threaten either of those things, you’re in a death spiral. Get some resources, tell her you’re working to improve yourself in the relationship, ask for her help, and keep working on it. Marriages are hard work. You’ve gotten past the “in love” infatuation, now you have to do the “love” action to keep it alive. My question would be this: What were you doing when you were first dating (other than the sex) that you aren’t doing now? Go back to doing that. Don’t stop pursuing her as you did when you were first dating. You’ll soon find that the original feelings will come back.

Ok, let me get this straight-you and the wifey are into week long benders that consist of mixing powerful and addictive prescription painkillers with alcohol for recreational purposes? Sounds like lack of sex isn’t the first problem you need to address in your relationship.

Thanks for your replies Rookie and Sewerhooker. She recently joined a gym and has went a few times but it will be a long road to fitness. Back when she was a 125 lb D-cup mama she was using phentermine, a very powerful stimulant drug. There are side effects to that such as severe bitchiness though. Also, she tried that not to long ago but it didnt work due to some complication with her mood stabilizers (Lithium?). Also she is a nutrition moron (she likes to skip breakfast and lunch and eat at night). I can accept her as she is, but just dont wonder why shes not getting pigeonholed (as TC LUoma recently said in Atomic Dog).

First of all, attraction between two people who love each other is more than skin deep. What else is ‘turning you off’ to her now? I’d suggest picking up a copy of ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and reading through it, then both of you discuss it, it may open things up a bit. And frankly, I’d lighten up on the drug use, that may be having a lot to do with the problem. You two need to start REALLY communicating and drugs and alcohol can’t be involved for real communication. If I put on 50 pounds I would not expect that my man would still be interested, but consider this - WHY did she put on that much weight? Food and body image are VERY different for men and women, there may be a few deep issues here. It may not hurt to see a counselor for a few sessions. Lastly, she probably isn’t mad, but very deeply hurt… your relationship is NOT fucked, you just have to put in some honest effort (both of you) to get it back on track.

Hold on a minute - She is taking some sort of ‘mood enhancer’ AND you two are drinking and taking Vicoden? You wonder why she’s a bit out of her mind? Alcohol should NEVER be mixed with MAOI’s or Lithium, let alone the drug interactions you are risking with some serious painkillers mixed in. And many people gain a lot of weight while on ‘personality drugs’ (I can call them that, I’ve been on them) If she is not eating the drugs probably are REALLY fucking with her system because some need to be taken with food to help with absorption. I’m no angel, but I think you may want to start with detox

You are a pathetic junkie, why dont you quit all the shit and try living real life.

Thanks for writing Michelle. I was hoping you would for the woman’s perspective you bring (I cant very well go ask her friends now can I?) I got her to stop taking her MAOI’s but after a few days she complained of sleeplessness and anxiousness so I told her to go back on. Is there any way to get off those damn things? Also she has expressed interest in us quitting drinking which I am all for given that it suppreses test but it is so much more fun to drink when you take pills (which we do quite often but we are not addicted). She admits abusing the pills and drinking makes her mean but when we switch to pot it gives her munchies! (This is the same girl that thinks steroids are the devil). The ideal solution would be for me to use the drugs and her to avoid them. But how likely is it that she’ll go along with that? Hint- not very.

Michelle is right. The first thing you two need to address is the drug usage. You might want to visit a couples’ therapist, and if you’re addicted to this stuff, then you should definitely go to detox. Otherwise, cut the shit out. It isn’t helping things. I think there’s something else going on here other than weight, btw. I’ve had at least one really hot gf, but I’ve also been involved with a woman that was overweight, probably by 50lbs or so. The overweight woman had no trouble turning me on. The reason why, of course, was that I wasn’t in love with her body. It was her mind and personality. Again, I think you all should visit a good therapist, and start to reestablish some of the links that made you two fall in love with each other.

i think michelle may be partially right but her perspective on sex is definately a womans one. If a guys goin out wiht a hot girl, and they love eachother… the guys a BBer and works hard on his physique. The girl gets fat to the tune of 50lbs which is A LOT. Guy is not only turned of directly from the appearance, but feels like hes trying and shes not… something like that. Its a tricky situation somehow you need her to get herself motivated and then you can work wiht her from there. Bobs comment is about as ignorant as they come.

Where the hell are you people coming up with some of this crap? For example: “women don’t want to hear your opinion, they want to be validated”? , “you’re gonna have to make her feel wanted, even if it’s not fully true…” OR, that sexual attraction and/or sex falls into some wierd timeline where it’s not as strong anymore?! What the hell? I read some these statements and I just think …“oookay…whatever” - but man, this thread really is whacked. Seriously! “Cockmongrel” - you’re married?! whoa. Just read your post - and try to seperate yourself from what you have written here - it’s littered with issues. Your’s and your wife’s. Your wife KNOWS you don’t find her attractive anymore, which is one reason she probably has gained weight. She’s not happy. You’re not happy. It’s all right here. Which brings up the following question: why do you two still love each other? Or were you ever really in love? These are strong questions and it looks like you were dancing around them in your post. How in the hell do you develop a healthy relationship amidst recreational usage of drugs? Either begin to ground yourselves by stopping the drugs or go to a marriage counselor. OR both.

Don’t say shit amd let her get over it…Keep her on Vicodin as much as possible…That kills appetite and hence enduces weight loss. BTW, can you send me some Vicodin? I have a headache. Besides that’s ample charge for such good advise.

It sounds to me like most of the advise you are getting are from people who are not married. So they don’t understand…Here is what to do…Wait a week. Then buy her some flowers for no apparent reason, take her out to Burger King or something and jam a burger down her throat. Take her home, nail her, go watch sports center while drinking the beer she bitches at you about buying, then go to sleep. In the morning, take 3 Vicodin and then send the rest to me…

For richer, for poorer, in sickness, and health, forsaking all others…nothing more to be said. Forget surface attractiveness, it’s shallow. Before mentioned, the 5 Love Laguages, by author Gary Chapman.

Replace her pills with T-3…that should solve the weight loss issue. All kidding aside, you are totally right and you are a real man for being totally honest with her and telling her the truth about how you think she looks. Tell her to start working out with you. If she doesn’t want to say something like “the gym membership cost me 300 dollars!”

Alcool and pills adiction is one of the worst for many reasons, the most fucked up people i saw in rehab were alcoholics with a adiction to sleeping pills. Im not familiar with the names of drugs in the US but if you’re taking either benzodiazepines or barbiturics with alcool on a regular basis you’re asking for trouble, the withdrawal simptoms are one of the worst there are, much worst than heroin or cocain. Its my opinion that you and your wife should seek counseling on your drug use\abuse before anything else. Its even dangerous to stop taking these cocktails cold turkey as it can even be fatal. The question is do you and your wife have the balls to admit that you might have a drug problem?? Thats the first step…

I only have my experience and the experience of two people VERY close to me to draw on, so this may not be 100% correct, but it is all I know. MAOI’s are more psychologically addictive than physically (though they are BOTH). IF she is ready to come off of them she needs to slowly reduce dosage over a few weeks. However, if she thinks she needs them then she does and no matter what you do she will need to stay on them. My thoughts are to keep her on her ‘brain drugs’ and COMPLETELY cut out all the recreational use, including alcohol. When you both have clear heads you can start working on your relationship and then work on getting her off the personality pills. When you are both free and clear of drug dependancy - perscribed or recreational you should be able to assess your relationship. You will be very different people then, I guarentee you that. You can not continue with the usage while she stops, it will be far too tempting. Dump every drop and every pill into the toilet and FLUSH, do it together and then go out for a nice dinner. As for her weight issue, the underlieing cause may be the brain pills, it may be the drugs, it may be the mix of all the shit you’re taking - weight gain is often psycological for women, many men don’t understand that. You need to eliminate the excess to determine the problem’s root. If you BOTH want to solve these problems you can, but it will take effort and commitment. Obviously, you’re going to get a lot of different opinions here, but many of us care about our ‘community’ so let us know how things are going.