T Nation

Am I a Terrible Person?


#1

Hi,

I have been reading t nation for years I have just never posted. I think I have really poor self awareness. I was thinking the other day that I might be a bit weird/mad/a terrible person. I am 25, male and live in England.

In April this year I took out a 15k loan, literally walked out of my job one morning and spent it all by September. I was renting a room in my best friends house at the time. I didn't tell anybody I quit. I simply got up at the normal time, put on my suit and got the tram into the city centre where I spent my day walking round, drinking coffee, sometimes taking cocaine and sometimes going to a brothel. Obviously as I did this for a few months I was spotted by people and the truth sort of came out last month. My mate said he knew I was pretending to go to work but was hoping I would come clean. He asked me to leave and brought up the conversation when he seen me coming home with his hammer as I was trying to rob people - I couldn't it was just too hard and I guess I do have a conscience after all. I am not back at my mothers house in a rough area, I didn't tell her the truth about what happened. I started a new job 4 weeks ago but walked out after 8 days and went to the pub. I think I had an anxiety attack I was just crying and panicking for no reason. Everybody thinks I am back at work now. But I am doing the same thing except I have 50 pounds left. I have been stealing my food for 2 months I sometimes steal things I do not even need. I sort of can't carry on I really can't do it I have no purpose and I just can't tell people the truth about things. ever. I am very angry alot of the time.

I guess, despite rambling I am looking for an objective point of view from the safety of an online forum. Maybe somebody has been through a similar sort of things?

Cheers


#2

You’re not terrible but you are stealing you sure as hell ain’t good. However far off the deep end you end up going and however bad you fuck yourself up, make damn sure you don’t hurt anyone.

I’m not a big believer in counseling but I’m sure you need some kind of counseling. You also need the discipline to get a job and go to work day after day no matter how difficult it is for you. No matter how much you hate it or how anxious you get. Maybe manual labor so as the stress builds you have the physical outlet to deal with it?

Good luck though. Honestly it sounds like you are going down a very self destructive road and you are now where near the “bottom” people typically need to reach before they turn it around.


#3

Yes


#4

The problem is,

I can’t afford counselling.


#5

I don’t believe this is real but if you don’t sort yourself out, you’ll end up in jail.

If you can’t do it yourself, go to a councillor.

What are yoi doing about repaying your loan?


#6

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#7

[quote]tsantos wrote:
I don’t believe this is real but if you don’t sort yourself out, you’ll end up in jail.

If you can’t do it yourself, go to a councillor.

What are yoi doing about repaying your loan? [/quote]
I agree that this sounds like a troll job.

Sounds pretty stupid to me to take out a loan to just spend on useless shit. You are going to regret that if you ever get back on track.


#8

Based on everything I learned from Guy Richie movies, this sounds like the average cup-o-tea love’n Englishman.


#9

I have defaulted on my last 3 payments. I have spoken to a debt charity called stepchange who will put me in a debt management plan when i get a job back - but this needs to happen. I do not want to end up bankrupt. I sort of feel like I ‘woke up’ a month ago and realized I was in a weird place. I have signed up for some voluntary work for Samaritans which I will start in the new year and be trained on. However I need to sort out my 9-5 paid work and get a grip.

Just reading what I typed makes me realized that when I see it written down I have been an absolute idiot.


#10

[quote]titan123987 wrote:

Just reading what I typed makes me realized that when I see it written down I have been an absolute idiot. [/quote]

A self destructive idiot.

You dont like yourself very much, do you?


#11

Im actually a really nice person to others.


#12

I also suffer from sexual performance anxiety and tend to avoid encounters on that basis


#13

[quote]titan123987 wrote:
I have signed up for some voluntary work [/quote]

?

This sounds nice but it’s still being self destructive. It’s like you are trying to feel good about yourself while you fuck up your life.

You need a real job that pays money.


#14

[quote]titan123987 wrote:
Im actually a really nice person to others. [/quote]

Other than your employers, colleagues and your mate?

How do you treat your parents and, god forbid, children?


#15

Why did you walk out on your life?

If you don’t know why you did it, then I would suggest you find out why.


#16

I have no children, My parents are divorced. I recently moved back with my mum who really likes me being at home which has made me feel wanted in a good way. I dont see or speak to my dad but I do not see this as an issue. I just can’t stick to a routine and the only jobs I can get are sales. which I am good at but it doesnt last - have no consistency. I inevitably have bad days. My bad days are really bad, I sort of lack impulse control. I am excellent at hiding it from people though which is kind of gone unnoticed for a while but apparently I am odd so people must have noticed some change.

To answer your question I don’t know the answer why, which is why I posted on this forum. I am desperately seeking some sort of clarity or insight and to get a remedy.


#17

I am just deeply unhappy in my life. Which is why I read that voluntary work may be good as it helps me to give something back to others. I read that people who are happy tend to do things for others. It sound really lame but thats something which i do not really do at the moment.


#18

[quote]titan123987 wrote:
I have no children, My parents are divorced. I recently moved back with my mum who really likes me being at home which has made me feel wanted in a good way. I dont see or speak to my dad but I do not see this as an issue. I just can’t stick to a routine and the only jobs I can get are sales. which I am good at but it doesnt last - have no consistency. I inevitably have bad days. My bad days are really bad, I sort of lack impulse control. I am excellent at hiding it from people though which is kind of gone unnoticed for a while but apparently I am odd so people must have noticed some change.

To answer your question I don’t know the answer why, which is why I posted on this forum. I am desperately seeking some sort of clarity or insight and to get a remedy. [/quote]

Well, there are psychologists that specialice in diagnosing issues, which is why it is kind of bad that you just financially sabotaged yourself.


#19

Speaking out of my ass- It seems like you don’t think your life had a purpose.


#20

the answer to your question is yes.