I have been reading t nation for years I have just never posted. I think I have really poor self awareness. I was thinking the other day that I might be a bit weird/mad/a terrible person. I am 25, male and live in England.
In April this year I took out a 15k loan, literally walked out of my job one morning and spent it all by September. I was renting a room in my best friends house at the time. I didn't tell anybody I quit. I simply got up at the normal time, put on my suit and got the tram into the city centre where I spent my day walking round, drinking coffee, sometimes taking cocaine and sometimes going to a brothel. Obviously as I did this for a few months I was spotted by people and the truth sort of came out last month. My mate said he knew I was pretending to go to work but was hoping I would come clean. He asked me to leave and brought up the conversation when he seen me coming home with his hammer as I was trying to rob people - I couldn't it was just too hard and I guess I do have a conscience after all. I am not back at my mothers house in a rough area, I didn't tell her the truth about what happened. I started a new job 4 weeks ago but walked out after 8 days and went to the pub. I think I had an anxiety attack I was just crying and panicking for no reason. Everybody thinks I am back at work now. But I am doing the same thing except I have 50 pounds left. I have been stealing my food for 2 months I sometimes steal things I do not even need. I sort of can't carry on I really can't do it I have no purpose and I just can't tell people the truth about things. ever. I am very angry alot of the time.
I guess, despite rambling I am looking for an objective point of view from the safety of an online forum. Maybe somebody has been through a similar sort of things?