How about this one. I killed a 6 foot alligator in the florida everglades by mounting his back and driving my knife into his spinal column right behind his head. I then skinned him and ate his meat (no not his dickmeat).
So there I was in the Amazon, jeans, wife beater, and my trusty gallon of water. I was swinging through the trees like Tarzan when all of the sudden this giant Anaconda wraps around me and starts squeezing. I just crack half a smile, take a swig of water and say:"Fucking snake, I watch the UFC, and I'm alpha, you don't know what you fucking with." Then I grab the snake by the head and bite it. The snake releases me and we fall at least 10,000 feet to the ground below. I land on top of the snake and because it's a snake, I can basically arm bar the whole fucking thing. So there I am, snake baring this fucking snake in the middle of the jungle. I can tell the snake is in pain, but not dying fast enough so I grab the tail(or whatever the fuck you call the end of a fucking snake)and the head and starting spining it up like you would a wet towel you are going to snap some skinny dude in the ass with. I get it wound up nice and tight and then snap the snake head first into a tree. The fucking snake's head EXPLODES and shit goes everywhere. I look at what's left of the snake and say:"Maybe if you drink milk and did squats you wouldn't be such a little bitch snake. You probably can't even rip stop signs out of the ground you fucking snake. Your dad probably hates you you get boners at family reunions. I bet right now your fucking snake mom and dad are having snake tea and reading the snake paper saying"God, I hope our gay snake fuck up of a son got is head snaped the fuck into a tree and is fucking dead.", and take a big swig of water.
As I continue my way thought the jungle I arrive at a village of nude female jungle people, not yet discovered by non-jungle people. All the women are naked and hot as fuck and want my dick. One of them runs up to me and starts rubbing my huge fucking biceps and says:"Un-duck-nu-nik-knok." I take a swig of water and say:"I don't know what you just said, but I know you are wet, because I'm here, and I make bitches wet. LITE WEIGHT!" And I grab her and start pounding her right in the middle of the jungle. All of the other females look on and oh and ah. I flip her in the air and catch her in her vagina with my extremely hard and huge cock and start spinning her in circles until she is spinning so fast we start to fly. So there I am, flying over the jungle propelled by a spinning naked sex crazed jungle women connected to my cock.
We fly for 8 days and 7 nights and she has 10,000 orgasms before landing in the Serra Nevada because I finally came and my sheer magnitude and exit velocity of my giant flaming jizz missle shoot her into outer space.
So there I am in the woods, jeans, wife beater, gallon jug of water, and this big fucking hairy monkey looking motherfucker is all in my face.