T Nation

Alone or not?

Hi everybody… I really need some help here… I have been single for a while mostly because of personal reasons, but lately I have noticed that I miss female companionship… the question is: should I date random girls until the right one comes along or just be alone until (and if) that happens? I am not really big fan of going around and dating women just because of dating, hoping that we will “click” in the future - it generally does not happen, you are either in a great relationship from the beginning or you hear LJBF or “you are too good for me” story, meaning she is not interested in you, but she is too polite to tell you “fuck off”. This question might sound silly to you but it has been really bothering me lately, so every input on this subject is greatly appreciated.

Other than lurking behind a bush and jumping on Ms. Right when she strolls by, how are you going to meet someone if you hide out all the time?

Hmm… I know… but generally, you can’t make somebody like you… from my experience, it either happens “by itself”, spontaneously or it does not happen at all. I have seen many relationships where one party is trying to prove its “validity” to the other and it simply does not work. You have raised a good question - question that I am aware of - just don’t have an answer for it.

Seriously dude, you gotta just go out there and meet new people. Its rare that you’ll someday just meet the girl you were saving yourself for. You may just be a little too picky… I cant say. One thing i can say is that you need to let go of what you perceive as your ideal woman and give the ugly duckling a go. You may find a gem.

The dating scene is total crap. Personally, I don’t like it. But, the fact of the matter is that you have to get out there. The way I approach things is to just meet people. You do not have to pick up chicks at bars and stuff like that. That is the last place to find your significant other. there are exceptions, but not many. Just try to talk to more women. You should be able to tell if they are genuine or not. If all seems good, then ask them out. The main thing is to just talk to a bunch of different women.

I’m with Avoids on this one. Yeah, you MAY find Ms. Right by hust keeping to yourself, but once you do meet her, and you’re out of practice as far as dating and such, how are you to win her affections? Or are you just planning on her feeling so sorry for you that she does the whole Florence Nightengale thing and falls for you? Man, get out and get in the game. Ever heard the phrase “never up, never in” (referring to basketball)? Gotta take some shots.

I know where you’re coming from. My father had a “talk” with me last year, because he wanted me to date while I was still in college, since I’m entering a “predominantly male field.” He’s right, but I really can’t stomach the whole dating thing. So I guess you’ve got to ask yourself if you really think it’s that important to you. If it is, you need to invest the time and effort, just like in lifting weights. If not, then screw it. Maybe you’ll happen to meet someone, maybe you won’t.

On the other hand, I have no end of friends that always advise people “don’t date,” because the likelihood of actually going anywhere that way is so low.

Actually, I think that this is a pretty good question. In short, I would definitely date other girls until you find one that you really like and stick with. Being picky is fine, but refusing to date until you find “the one” may leave you with horrible social skills. I guarantee, the vast majority of girls do not like overly shy guys. What they go after most are the confident and well-adjusted (but not cocky) guys. Dating a variety of girls on a regular basis will definitely help with this. In my opinion, it’s a good idea to go out and meet and date a fair amount of girls. Dating can definitely suck sometimes, but it can also help out in a lot of other ways.

Hey man, if you’ve been out of the dating scene, and no woman ever came to you and showed any interest, then yeah, you gotta go back to the scene. Otherwise there would have been a flock of women coming your way and you wouldn’t be asking this question on the forum.

hand solo I think is what you meant. Seriously, At this point you most likely have the smooth of gravel at 90mph. Meaning if you have never practiced what to say and when even if you find MS thang you are going to fuck it up bad. That is like not training at all and facing Iron Mike on day one you will lose big. If you want to fly by the if it was meant to happen it will but take it from my beautiful roomate after 6 years it still hasn’t happened for her… She has not social skills she hasn’t been on a date in 6 years she doesn’t even know how to talk to a guy. Ok so what I am saying is think of dating as practice. Like you would weight training. You will not be ready come game day if you haven’t practiced. Besides it is a chance to learn new tricks at other womens’ expense. I love that you are too goood for me statement next time you get that say “I agree, so let’s just get nasty and call it quits.” That will take them aback, and if you swing it right; you might just hit it. I did!

There is nothing wrong with being alone, as I have recently learned. You get to have as much fun as you want to without feeling like you have to be careful of anyone else. If you are young like me you want to remain sexy, young and cool all while waiting for Person right. Be crazy and let the ladies come to you becasue as soon as you don’t give a shit they will flock. I’m a lady, I should know.

If you miss female companionship, then you should be seeking it out. It’s only by dating many women that you will truly find out who the ideal mate is for you. Usually our standards and opinions change with time and experience. If you sit at home not doing anything, you will miss out on meeting lots of different people, and, like the other posters have said, your social skills will truly suck. So get out there. Have fun. Don’t be nasty. Show confidence and respect and I’m sure Ms Right will come along when you least expect!

Han -

I’ve been in the same boat as you. I finally decided to get out there more and be more social. Because I wasn’t running into many interesting ladies on my own, I looked into the online dating sites. I posted an ad and had them coming to me. Of course the girls have ads too, but if they have pics on there (and they’re good looking) they get bombarded with perverted offers, so you need to have a nice approach and stand out. If you have no problem with approaching random girls in public and asking them out, that’s great, but the online thing is just another option.

Anyway, I spent a few months going out with different girls and I had a great time. And, as the others on here have said, it does make for good practice. In order to enjoy yourslef though, it’s important to NOT be looking for Ms. Right. To this day, I have NEVER met anyone who has said they found love while they were looking for it. It always happens when your guard is down.

So, after doing all this for awhile and having a fun (although I still felt a little unfulfilled), one day my friends called me to go to a ball game. Had I not been going out so much and being used to it, I know I would have turned them down (especially because I had to work early the next day). But I didn’t, and it turned out one of them recently ran into a girl they had gone to grade school with and they met up at the ballgame. Her and I hit it off like neither of us ever had, and now we’re moving in together (that was nine months ago). The coolest thing about it is that it was the last place I expected to meet someone (hell, it wasn’t even on my mind), but it happened nonetheless. So to make an extremely long story short (sorry about that :wink: the more you try, the greater your chance of success… whether you’re looking for “the one” or just some companionship. Either way, I hope it all works out for you.

I cooked up aa cool car analogy last night when I was supposed to be working. There are lots of cheap dirtbag cars everywhere that are good for getting from place to place, but they’re slow uncomfortable pieces of shit. There are also cars with all the good stuff or they go fast, etc. Would you rather save up for a real nice car, like a Lexus (Lexus Locklear?), or would you rather get any old car that’s barely good enough for getting around in? Would you rather have a girl you don’t really like, but is a hole, or would you rather ‘save up’ for a girl you really like with the all the good stuff?

bionic? :slight_smile:

Probably. I don’t care if she posts here & never have. I still don’t see what everyone’s problem is.

I understand your analogy Drax, but surely enjoying peoples’ company is not the same as driving an old jalopy. And dating does not have to imply banging someone for the sake of it (we’ve already done the sex in relationships thread a while ago). Although we all want to find the right person, dating other people does not imply lack of discrimination, or settling for an old beat-up wreck. I would assume that even when people just go out for dinner, or to a movie, or a concert, or whatever, that they are asking someone that they would like to spend some time with–even if only for one or two dates. It is impossible to know right away about any person. I know there is “love at first sight”, but even that can fade quickly once you get to know someone. And, on the opposite side, someone that you think you are only luke-warm to can become the love of your life once you get to really know them. It’s called giving people the opportunity to reveal themselves. The results are often very surprising. I don’t think that most of the people posting here were suggesting hap-hazard random pick-ups (at least I wasn’t anyways!).