fter setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration
was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for
cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6'8" 305 lb.
bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting,
and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going
We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt
, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with
his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater,
complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.
We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren't properly
dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him,
Mongo screamed "You sure about that?" The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but
asked for the $20 cover charge. "Cover charge? Just be lucky you're still alive, punk.
We ain't paying a cover charge." Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered
the side door (too big to fit through the front door).
We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC's and a
bunch of HB8's and HB9's. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10's.
A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5's approached us.
HB8.5: Hi...ummm... we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we
could hang out with you tonight?
I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5's... gross!) and replied, "You know, you've got a
lot of nerve coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little out of your league, cupcake?
Now get out of here, you're threatening my alpha status."
I was getting impatient. "Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!" I snarled at him. Mongo took
out his binoculars and scanned the crowd
Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any... just an ectomorph.
Me: I'm going in.
I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He
was wearing a Jose's Surf Shop T-shirt "End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let
me handle this cardio bunny."
AFC: Get lost.
Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt
Me: Look, you f**kin ecto, you better get the f**k
out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that's a 6'8" 300 lb.
bodybuilder. If you don't leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are
gonna have to call the boys down at Jose's Surf Shop to ID your body.
The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. "Your lucky day,
baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?"
Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I'm
better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons,
and abs you could do laundry on. I'm more than a piece of meat here.
I turned around to leave.
Cardio Bunny: I'm sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name's Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh... gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.
Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo's IV is out of whey.
We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage
Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.
CB: Do you have to go? Well here's my phone number, why dont you call me
sometime and we can go to a museum or something.
I looked at her phone number in disgust. "Look cupcake, I'm going on a
gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last
night together. We should make the most of it."
CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.
I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished
off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I'll ever buy for a woman.)
I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. "We
gotta go now, Doc, Mongo's gonna get catabolic."
I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. "I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist
never treated me like that"
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. "He's no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole,
one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!"
Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. "Tell me thats not true! Are you even a
Me: I'm no doctor... but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from
the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she
stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate,
but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to
Mongo's for whey shakes all around.
Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: Those protein shakes ain't gonna mix themselves.