T Nation

Alimony/Divorce/Deadbeat Dad Thread

Topic moved here. Share outlook on such matters.

I’m particularly interested in any many men think the system is rigged against them.

This is a common sentiment.

Do you think it’s unfair? If so, why? (Asking seriously.)

I think the entire concept of ‘maintaining a quality of life’ is a joke, especially at these ludicrously high net worth values.

As to non .1%rs, I know more than my fair share of men who are financially crippled for the rest of their kids non adult lives due to a woman leaving him and getting a favorable judge

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I know my fair share of men who are required to pay child support, and never do. My cousin’s dad owes his 4 various baby mamas over $20,000 and hasn’t payed a dime in 20 years. Nothing’s ever happened to him.

Not arguing your point or saying I don’t believe it (I do), but there’s a decent amount of crappy guys out there who just refuse to have any part in providing for the child.

Not excusing those people at all.

That being said, he must have never had a job. In Ohio (at least in my county), it’s taken straight from your paycheck with no option to pay for it outside of the system.

My neighbors ex husband is ~1 year behind. He was sent to jail for it a couple months ago.


My mom sued my dad for 50k in retroactive child support. He had the money for all the time he owed it! Negligence at its finest.

I obviously don’t have stats to show as much, but my aunt growing up got addicted to coke, and her husband left her for it.

In the proceedings (since she hadn’t been arrested for the coke yet) she was granted full custody and child support.

After a couple years she ended up going to jail for stealing to fuel the coke.

My ex uncle in law was easily one of the most upstanding adults I knew, and he wasn’t even given joint custody over a cokehead.

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I have a buddy in a similar situation. he and his wife divorced (she cheated on him and is spiraling down the drug drain - no official record of it) - she barely sees their 2 kids yet he pays her child support and alimony despite her living with her boyfriend (potential baby #2 daddy - my buddy refuses to get a paternity test as he sees the kid as his and doesn’t want to do that to his older son). MA is not friendly to dads.

Should add, he’s a public high school teacher and an officer in the National Guard…


This story is actually spookily similar to my sister in law. A few years ago she left her husband for his best friend. It was found out after the fact that their 2nd child isn’t biologically his (although neither of them wants that known in court).

Fast forward to today and he’s putting about 40% of his gross earnings into child support. Given he’s a college dropout, I don’t anticipate that he’ll ever financially recover.

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yea, his youngest son looks a lot like the new boyfriend. I think he knows but doesn’t care as he’s invested a lot of time and love into the kid - I don’t blame him but it sucks he’s paying her child support for a kid who (most likely) isn’t his. It’s a fucked up situation and she turned out to be ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.


This was my brother in law’s stance as well. In every way that matters, she’s absolutely his daughter, and he wouldn’t dream of saying anything to the contrary.

The flip side of the coin is if you submit paternity to invalidate the child support, you lose any and all rights to custody. It’s a super rough catch 22

For sure … I’d imagine it really solidifies your value structure wrt ‘your’ kids. At this point I’d choose my son too …

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I think one way to prevent such sad stories is criminalization of adulterous and alien of affections.

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That wouldn’t prevent these stories. Has outlawing drugs prevented sad stories of drug use/abuse? It’ll just create other ways families are destroyed…

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Eh. Our nation would be a much sadder place because of it.

Regulating what you can do with your body doesn’t seem to end well for most societies

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As much as abhor cheating (and I think it makes you less than scum to cheat on your spouse), it should not be illegal.

The government does not need to regulate everything…


As to the thread, I have a family member that paid child support for two kids, which subsidized his ex-wife so she didn’t need to get a job until his oldest turned 18. On the flip side, his new wife has never seen a dime in child support for her two oldest kids. So he basically pulls double duty. Luckily they’re almost all grown now.

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Sadder for punishing such behavior? It would prohibit it, namely wrecking households and the consequences that follow for children.

There is punishment for alien of affections in some states still.

Sadder for making it a crime to hurt someone’s feelings, hell yeah lol. We’ve got too much of a snowflake problem in this country already.

Which I consider to be a joke. That’s why it’s been abolished nearly everywhere.

While I’m the crazy ancap who gets dismissed by more “reasonable” folks it’s important to understand where these laws came from. In late 19th/ealy 20th century a guy could up and leave his family and literally leave them homeless and without any means, just on a whim. Plenty of examples of this.

Naturally the family courts that sprang up to “correct” this problem went very far in the other direction. Too far most would argue.

I know a guy who spent $60k over 3 years just to get and keep shared custody. He and his ex wife are both employed professionals, but she remarried a rich guy and can afford to take him to court 10 times a year. If he’s 5 minutes late for a drop off she files a complaint with the court.

If he wants to use his court appointed vacation days, she files a claim with the court. She uses the court like a hammer to hurt him.

The judges and lawyers make a good living off this nonsense, and encourage it.

My solution to the problem is to go back to the old way of doing things: public disgrace and ostracism. If you abandon your family, you’re done. No jobs, can’t go to church, can’t eat at resteraunts without being heckled and just make life miserable for the guy until he makes it right. Same treatment for women who manipulate/cuckold/steal.