T Nation

Alien Invasion is Imminent


A global broadcast goes out that aliens are going to invade Earth in 6 months time. How, why, when and what sort of training will you be doing to ensure your survival?

Just to clarify...as I know I am going to get questions on the specifics...I am not talking 'E.T' type aliens. I don't want people saying they'd do 'soccer training' as I know that if you put a T-man in the ring with E.T we'd kick his big melon head right into the stands. I know for a fact that if E.T got in the ring with me he wouldn't be phoning home that's for sure and that little pumpkin headed bastard better have '911' on his speed dial or have all his special healing finger powers sorted to fix himself after I open up a can of whoop arse on him because the only way that little freak would be going home in a body bag .

I am also not talking Predator or Aliens I, II, III type aliens as I don't want all you yanks just saying 'I'd be doing target practice/getting out the heavy artillery' type training...and before you ask...no you can't just NUKE the bastards...as I know that you think that's the answer to every problem.

I am talking run of the mill average type aliens...day to day normal aliens...think a bigger Mork on huge amounts of gear, think a shaved, angry Chewbacca...something along those lines.

How often would you train? What sort of training would you do? How would you prepare in 6 months if your alien arse kicking life depended on it?


I would train by getting fat as hell and storing lot's of guns and canned food in the underground bunker that I would dig.


OK I guess this is a hypothetical situation though at first I thought you were fucking serious.

If it were to happen, I'd call Tom Cruise.


I'd call Randy Quaid. Because honetly, look at Independence Day.

I was watching it the other day, and its the part where the President is rounding up pilots for the counterattack against the aliens.

So Randy Quaid is all drunk, and he's going, "Yea, I flew in Vietnam, blah blah blah...and ever since I got abducted by aliends, I've been waiting for a chance to get the sons of bitches back". At this point, all the offficers and everybody roll their eyes and kind of laugh at him, like, "look at this fucking freak, talking about getting abducted by aliens".

Well what the fuck guys. You're getting attacked by fucking aliens. Why the hell is it still so strange that this guy is saying he's got abducted by them? They just blew up the friggin White House, and that didn't strike anyone as weird, but no, this guys says he's been abducted and everybody's like, " Wow this guy is such an freak".

Maybe if they had listened to drunks like Randy Quaid, you wouldn't be in this boat in the first place. No, they'd have a super radiation gun that can not only kill the aliens, but eat their souls and blow up the Death Star, and the White House would be fine. But no, they laughed; And now the White House is gone and they're hiding under a rock. Who was really the ass here?

Sorry. That's been on my mind since I saw the movie...ahh the incongrouancies of Independence Day.


Hey, hey, hey. That's not very cool. Chewie is our friend. Arrrllll!


I would probably just go on strike and do nothing...like a European.

Btw, E.T. would beat you silly and then stick his glowing finger up your ass!



You can't get anyone else to fight your battles. Which T-Nation contributors training program would you follow? How much conditioning versus strength do you think you'd need to combat aliens?


Hiding out won't help...the aliens will go door to door eventually...I can see them dragging your fat arse outside for an alien style street probing.


Probably whatever it is they do in basic army training. Being that guns are more likely to be effective than hand to hand combat.



Did everyone forget that there is only one man needed to defeat an army of hostile aliens? Chuck Norris could roundhous kick an asteroid at thier ships long before they even got close to us, plus if he just wanted to have fun, he could let them land and them beat them all into submission and make them slaves fou the human race.

In case he had to go on vacation or something though, I would enter the Chuck Norris Training Camp, sure you only become 1/1,000th as tough as Chuck himself, but thats plenty enough to kick some alien ass. It's a 6 week program specifically targeting the ability to roundhouse kick something or someone as hard as a locomotive train, oh and it's also unblockable and it never misses it's mark. Should two people attempt the kick on eachother, at the same time, both would die. Chuck norris can of course block his own kick so the above rules don't apply to him.



Crossfit, Inno-Sport or S.H.I.T.


Yeah, next time you might want to clarify.

The only thing I'd do to prepare would be buy a bunch of guns and figure out how to carry them and ammo. And crossfit, of course.


I would train with lots and lots of girls preparing for the aliens. I heard that those chewi bitches are fit!!!


I don't think I'd do anything different than I have been for the past 3 years, over which time I have staved off 6 separate alien invasions. One species has attempted three of these. They are improving in their methods, but have not yet been much of a challenge.

It seems to me that the only weapon you need is a solid ass. They are mesmerized by a nice set of glutes in posing trunks.



uh huh


Im with the Chuck Norris Training Camp too.

In fact the single reason we havent yet been invaded is......

Chuck Norris


AWESOME! Twisted and hilarious.


Wow. I never knew Alf was packing that much.



6 months? Shit we can all move to Iraq by then. That way when they come to kill us all they only destroy Iraq. It's a win-win situation...


Why not Iran?