T Nation

Alberta T-Cell Gathering Results

Friday night 10:00 pm

Stu: You have to come, it’s going to be fun.

Cass: Well, I’ve got quite a bit of work. I don’t think I can go . . . Call me when you get home from work and I’ll let you know for certain.

Friday 11:00 pm

Stu: Do you have any idea how much mockery and derision you’ll be subject to if you don’t make the gathering?

Cass: Well . . . I’m really busy. . .

Stu: You saw what they did to the 'cake for fun, do you really want to be on the recieving end of that?

Cass: Okay, I’ll go with you. . .

That was sort of the conversation Friday night between myself and Cass, she did finally relent and Saturday morning bright and early my brother and I picked her up and headed off to the first official Alberta T-cell gathering.

We made it to the appointed paintball local in a relatively uneventful manner and when we pulled up we were immediately greeted by a large, fearsome looking man wearing a shirt that I hope we have a picture of. . .

We made introductions, gathered our forces and proceeded inside to arm and equip ourselves for the hours to come.

Playing paintball with these people was possibly one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life, despite the occasional (well okay . . . frequent) sharp stinging pain of 200mph paintballs impacting on my tender self.

While I’m certain that anecdotes of this day will fast spread amongst the forums let me present you with a few key moments:

CGB (Craig)gets shot in the head and proceeds to scream like a little girl for a good 10 seconds. I think we were all a little afraid that Cupcake had mistaken him for a bipedal ungulate and attempted to have his way with him. As it turns out it was just his reaction to blacking out. . .

Mud Dog (Craig II, my brother) get’s shot in the head by Beefcake. Except that they were on the same team it was a brilliant tactical manouver.

~E (Eva) catches CGB and 454SS unawares and proceeds to open fire. While this is normally somewhat painful they had given Eva a special high powered gun because it was her birthday. Again we can hear CGB scream like a little girl . . .

Cass proceeds with a direct frontal assault of the other team’s base, fortunately she presents a small target and had a remarkable amount of success with this tactic throughout the day.

Sturat (yours truly) manages to leap, bound and sprint my way from one hiding place to another before finally descending on Eva in a hail of paintballs. Though it was an upward hail as it was she who was doing all the shooting while breakdancing on the ground in front of me. I finished her off with a single round to the quad.

Finally at the end of the day Cupcake and Mud Dog made a full frontal assault on our position. Had the game not been over 454SS might have been paying more attention and not suffered quite as badly as he did. We eventually repulsed the attack and I managed to decorate the Cupcake as I had promised. Wait 'till you see the pictures of his back. . .

While this is only the briefest of accounts far far far too much happened for me to attempt to regale you with the whole story here. Plus I don’t want to give away all the good bits, we’ll let some of the others have some fun.

We then all proceeded to make our way back to the Cupcake’s house for a truly spectacular meal of BBQ’d beef and grilled veggies.

I’m not ashamed to say that I couldn’t get enough of the Cupcake’s meat. Figured I’d beat him to the punch on that one.

All in all it was a spectacular day and we’re all looking forward to the next gathering which is happening in Mid-July for 454SS’s birthday, though this one will be in Edmonton I think.

Keep watching this thread, as everyone e-mails me the pics from the weekend I’ll put them up here so everyone can enjoy them. Plus I’m certain there are a few other stories that people will want to share.

ps. Special thanks have to go out to:

Cupcake for the BBQ and organization

CGB for the organization and slush related entertainment

Beefcake for the two funniest lines of the night. “yeah, that we got from the internet” and “I know tea has caffein but how much was he drinking”

Magnus for flying in from Guelph to meet with the Alberta T-cell.

Cupcake’s wife for allowing a bunch of strange people her husband met on the internet to come back to their house for a BBQ.

I am sure that there is an “Official” account of last night around here somewhere…rummage…rummage…ah yes!, here it is…

11:48 A.M…

Some people would have been here at oh, say 10:45, of course some people are not the birthday girl. It turns out that E~ drives like she types and the 15 minute drive up to the meeting place took an extra hour…no matter that gave us time to wait for the Mighty Magnus (Brett) to arrive from the Airport, all the way from Guelph our out of town guest showed up in a Black convertible 'stang wearing Dark shades, a New haircut and a T-attitude…this could be fun…and so it begins…

It’s good to know who your friends are.

A good way to find out is to go paintballing and when it comes time to choose up sides, watch who looks at you with a “Oprah Winfrey spots the cheesecake” look, this look is a blend of the look your wife (or husband if you are female or hey, maybe even if your not. None of my business, really) gives you when you say things like “The guys are coming over for Beer, you gonna clean the house or should we go to **Big Fucking Lucky Al’s?” or are duped into actually answering one of those “How does my Ass look in these?” questions.

Yeah, THAT look, anyway keep an eye out for it because it has been scientifically proven (by “Scientifically” I mean that I am “Guessing”) that this look precedes either footwear or paintballs being whooped at your head. If given a choice, take the paintballs as many women have been clocked at over 200 M.P.H and your friends will laugh much, much more at the size 6 stiletto imprint on your forehead then at a few Loonie size welts on your butt.

At least my friends.

So, there you are, ready to go out and shoot people but first you need to get your “Cammo” on. By this they mean “Stinky, torn, unwashed coveralls” the kind that Mr. Goodwrench would be ashamed of. There is however a “Cammo-Like” pattern on the material though I suspect that much is from Sweat, Paint, Blood and allot of random stuff left lying around the forest floor that Paintballing requires you to roll around in. I only think this because as the day progressed and I rolled around more and more I became almost invisible, thanks to a well-fibered Horse (VERY well-fibered if you know what I mean…) and what I can only term to be “Forest Gunk” which is I think a collection of dead woodland creatures, leaves, bugs and surplus FLEX magazines.

I hope the smell washes off, those damn Flex magazines are hard to get out…

Staring through the scratched surface of your face shield with the tingling of anticipation and the rush of adrenaline starting to rise, a single thought goes through your head:

“What the hell was the last guy who wore this mask eating?”

If you are lucky, he was eating something you like (Ummm, Yum!, Slow-roasted lamb gently rubbed with fresh Rosemary, served with Mint Jelly and Grilled Veggies on the side!) or if you are not (like me) you could get something you don’t like (Gerkkkk! Who the fuck eats Garlic Limburger Haggis Wrapped with Liver and Cabbage!?). This does not go well with the #1 rule of never, never, NEVER lift your mask during the game. I would like to think that this was the major reason for my poor cardiovascular performance as it has been well-documented that “stinky air” holds much less actual oxygen and much, much more “stink” then what today’s experts call “Not Stinky” air. The scientific explanation has lots to do with the specific gravity, choke-factor and molecular density of cabbage and such but I will not bore you with the details here. Trust me.

After you get geared up it is time for your “briefing”. This is done by an affable guy named “Sarge”. Sarge spends entire days telling people to:

“Keep your eyes covered”

“Don’t shoot your friends in the head”

“Keep it in your pants and you will stay out of trouble”

Sarge also has to treat us like we are stupid, he says he doesn’t want to but he must. I think that Sarge is watching us raptly absorb his advice on complex issues like “Don’t lose your key’s” and making his own judgement as we nod solemnly as if Buddha had just offered up the meaning of life.

Sarge also informs us about what seems to be one of the most popular attractions at the compound: “All the weenies you can eat.”

Yes, sir, all you can EAT! It is easy to understand how “Capture the flag” Inc. was nominated for the prestigious “Bleeding Welt” Award. How it got shafted by “Hey you Para militaristic Bastards, come here and Pretend to Kill People” Inc. is beyond me, Politics are going to disgrace this proud industry, yes, disgrace it indeed.

**BFLA earned his name one day about 4 years ago and has unfortunately been nothing but HORRIBLE luck since then but they way his chubby little face lights up when we call him BFLA, well, we just can’t bear to break the little fella’s heart by yanking his title as his new name would be “Big Fucking Unlucky, Stoopid Al Who Always Makes Us Lose Our Money and Then We Have to Lie to Our Wives Al, Al You SUCK! Al” This is of course nowhere near as catchy and looks silly monogrammed on a bowling shirt

-------Coming tomorrow ~ The game begins…

“Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It’s the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they’d never, never stop slapping us”

~ Larry Miller

Yes Stu, you were right!

If I didnt make it to this Alberta T-Cell gathering, I would’ve been Caked!!!

This past Saturday in the Paintball park was probably the best time I have had in a long time. (Yes, I dont get out much… I’m a grad student!!!). Keep in mind that pretty much everyone who met up there had only known each other through our t-forum conversations and pictures.

But, like Cupcake and I were discussing last night (while he was attempting to take some non-sucky pictures…) everyone who was gathered there had something in common: The love of Muscle with Attitude. And that is what made the day so incredibly amazing.

I’m itchy to post some pictures that have… but I’ll let Sturat be the first.

Hurry up Stu with the photos!!!

Well, don’t I feel left out!

Thesis, schmeesis (or that’s what I should have said). Ok, maybe next time. (Assuming you ask me ever again, E~)

Meanwhile, get me some photos! And no cropping out the embarrassing things like superfluous nipples and 6th toes.

“there is nothing that study and determination cannot accomplish” - Leon Battista Alberti

CGB doing some swiss ball training. . .

After Louie did some Cupcake decorating. . .

The beautiful birthday girl. . . Thanks for giving us cause to come together.

Cass checking out everyone’s favourite website

Shawn (I don’t know how to spell your name) myself and Hogan. Some Alberta beef.

The birthday girl. . .

Edmonton t-vixen. . .


Vixens prepping for battle as CGB looks on. . .

Eva, myself, Cass and Paul pre-battle.

Craig smiling for the camera.

No wonder we love the 'Cake, he’s got his own slurpee machine.

Good thing Craig is sitting down, this is a family website. . .

Craig entertaining the crowd.

Group photo.

Jeff, Paul, Craig, Eva with one of Jeff’s daughters, Myself, Cass, Craig, top of Louie’s head, girl I don’t know sorry, Hogan.

Brett, Shawn