T Nation

Advice Por Favor

Okay so here are some deets:

NOTE: Please skim down to the PRO/CON section if you already know the back history.

I also babble a lot so I will try to keep it simplified.

-Hi, my name is Jenn, and I’m a 26-year-old perma single.

-I met a boy a little while ago and we banged, etc, then this past week he asked me out to play mini-golf on saturday.

-I accepted the invitation and bought really awesomely nice underwear. Then I came on T-Nation and announced the good news to my cyber family.

-I Had trouble getting ahold of him yesterday, and at around 8:30 last night he texted me and told me he was drinking with some work buddies and they were planning on heading out to a bar somewheres or another.

-When he found out how pissed I was he was quite surprised and then he started freaking out and texting me like crazy telling me he was coming home and we should hang out instead, and we could still go glow bowling or something. Or if that didn’t work out we could hang out tomorrow (today) and the day after, yadda yadda.

-Copious amounts of I’m sorry’s and I started to feel really bad for being so angry. Maybe it’s becauase I am really REALLY not used to a guy apologizing to me since they usually, like, don’t.

ADVICE QUESTION: I don’t know what to do because this is a very new situation for me. A man/boy-dude giving a shit about what I think, or giving a shit if i am in his life or not, is brand new territory.

A lotta gals, most likely with way thicker skin than I, would say FUCK HIM, and move on, but I made a pro/con list and I wish you all to analyze and you can tell me what you think, ha-ha.

PRO’S:
-He told me he sometimes sleeps with his Thor hammer and that to me was like a sign that he was the most perfect guy ever for me, HAHA.

-When I suggested we start some type of superhero vigilante justice league he hesitated for a reaaaallly long time before saying no. That tells me there’s hope, and he’s not horribly boring and has no sense of humor…

-He plays plants VS zombies so we can talk strategy. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. It’s not all about the peashooters and whatnot. THINK: COB CANNON.

-He wants to play perfect dark with me sometime. That is a HUGE deal cause that game is fucking awesome and playing with my kid kinda sucks. One because he gets scared so I have to follow him around protecting him, and two he wont let me use rocket launchers. WHAT DA FUCK.
N E WAY.

-He said he likes me and really likes hanging out with me.
Unimportant, but should be noted: He has a really deep voice and I think it’s really hot

CONS:
-He made me cry, so continuing to hang out with him goes against my policy of hanging out with people who make me cry.

-I’m a fragile little baby, so if he does stuff like this, even if it’s only very rare, it will cause me much emotional distress.

-My vagina is too small so sex is really painful, and I know DN says that it’s supposed to fit, but I’m pretty sure who’s ever runnin’ the show down there decided to close up shop for the winter or something due to low enrollment.

-I think I am much more straight and narrow than he is. I’m kinda a goodie goodie and I get the feeling that he’s really not.

OKAY So if you have the time or whatever you can let me know your opinions and I will take them all into consideration.

<<>>

sounds like a match made in heaven.

in on 20 page psychoanalysis thread

how did you guys schedule the date? If it was really casual then it’s understandable that he thought you weren’t anticipating the date hugely. Regardless, I say give it a 2nd shot.

[quote]browndisaster wrote:
in on 20 page psychoanalysis thread

how did you guys schedule the date? If it was really casual then it’s understandable that he thought you weren’t anticipating the date hugely. Regardless, I say give it a 2nd shot.[/quote]

Yeah, it was official. He brought it up last weekend, then asked again on Wednesday, then confirmed what we would do on thursday, and we still chatted on friday with no cancellation news.

Thank you for your input!!

[quote]Spock81 wrote:

[quote]browndisaster wrote:
in on 20 page psychoanalysis thread

how did you guys schedule the date? If it was really casual then it’s understandable that he thought you weren’t anticipating the date hugely. Regardless, I say give it a 2nd shot.[/quote]

Yeah, it was official. He brought it up last weekend, then asked again on Wednesday, then confirmed what we would do on thursday, and we still chatted on friday with no cancellation news.

Thank you for your input!![/quote]

Set as in, date, time, place? Mode of transport and activities planned?

I believe in second chances, but only one, so there’s no more of this “oh sorry gone drinking instead.” When I started dating the guy I’m dating (going on two years now, crazy about him as everyone knows) he did some stuff that upset me and I was telling an 82-year-old friend that I didn’t think I wanted to stick with it because I could tell he was going to make me cry (he has, again and again). She said, and this was profound for me, “Of course you’re going to cry. That’s just how you’re built.” I’ve minded a lot less since. Sounds like you’re built that way, too. He’s made me laugh and sigh with pleasure and contentment far more than he’s made me cry. Although the jury is still out, so we’ll see.

The sex piece…are you familiar with vaginismus? Wondering if this may be an issue for you:

[quote]When a woman has vaginismus, the muscle walls of her vagina contract or spasm in response to attempted insertion, for example, with a tampon or penis. This involuntary muscle contraction can be mildly uncomfortable or it may cause searing or tearing pain.

Vaginismus can interfere with normal activities like sex or getting a pelvic exam at the doctor’s office.

Symptoms of Vaginismus

Painful sex is often the first sign that a woman has vaginismus. The pain occurs only with penetration. It usually, but not always, goes away after withdrawal.

Women have described the pain as feeling too small for a man’s penis. The pain has also been described as a tearing sensation or a feeling like the man is “hitting a wall.”[/quote]

The above came from http://women.webmd.com/guide/vaginismus-causes-symptoms-treatments if you want to do some reading.

I’d be willing to bet his work buddies sabatoged the date. Called him a pussy, dared him to bail or whatever, it’s what guys do for fun. It’s the “better you than me dude” game.

Did you tell him about the undies? That’s the “you have no idea what you missed out on” game :slight_smile:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I believe in second chances, but only one, so there’s no more of this “oh sorry gone drinking instead.” [/quote]

Actually, thinking about it, I’m sure I give many more than one second chance, assuming there are subtle differences in the wrongdoing that allow me to treat it as a whole new category of offense. :slight_smile:

Jenn.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

And don’t put too much on the occasional screw up.

He doesn’t know you really that well.

You don’t know him that well.

These things take time.

Have fun.

sounds like he is inconsiderate, and you are very needy.

No good can come of this. I would move on if I were you.

[quote]rds63799 wrote:
sounds like he is inconsiderate, and you are very needy.

No good can come of this. I would move on if I were you.[/quote]

Why do you say very needy? I’m not seeing that. I’m seeing uncertainty and insecurity, but “needy” suggests other things.

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]rds63799 wrote:
sounds like he is inconsiderate, and you are very needy.

No good can come of this. I would move on if I were you.[/quote]

Why do you say very needy? I’m not seeing that. I’m seeing uncertainty and insecurity, but “needy” suggests other things.[/quote]

you’re right, I should’ve said “insecure.” My apologies.

I still think the combo of inconsiderate and insecure is a bad idea though

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I believe in second chances, but only one, so there’s no more of this “oh sorry gone drinking instead.” [/quote]

Actually, thinking about it, I’m sure I give many more than one second chance, assuming there are subtle differences in the wrongdoing that allow me to treat it as a whole new category of offense. :slight_smile:

[/quote]

Really? You’re tough. Despite my very best intentions, I often find I make the same mistake on numerous occasions both in the same and varied categories of offence. I’m just dumb that way. However, I’ve always kind of suspected that people who say they never make the same mistake twice are either lying or deluding themselves. Fortunately for me, my wife has seen fit to grant me innumerable second chances. I like to think this has worked out not too badly for her as well.

However, I accept that people are generally on their very best behaviour during early dating so everything holds a different significance in this phase. It’s a little like when someone shows up late or doesn’t show up at all for their first day of work. It makes a totally different impression than when someone who has been around for awhile and proven themselves to be a good employee does so.

That said, Jenn, I would still consider giving the guy another go if you think you might be into him, but don’t turn a blind eye to things. You can always kick his ass to the curb later. Decent people do stupid things without really realizing it until it’s too late. Selfish people exhibit patterns of selfish, inconsiderate behaviour and then apologize copiously when they are called on it, as if that gives them a free pass. I cannot say which this guy is, and I don’t know if you can either at this point.

Regarding people who make you cry: It has been my experience that for sensitive people (which I suspect you are) all relationships result in tears at one point or another. Obviously tears flowing from wilful cruelty are not the same as those resulting from heated discussions, unintentional hurtfulness etc. Over a long enough time-line things will happen that will hurt you. Part of a relationship IMO is allowing yourself and your partner the freedom to make those “mistakes” and then working through the consequences. The alternative, IMO, is to spend your whole lives together walking on eggshells for fear that any emotionally charged dispute will result in relationship Armageddon. If you won’t accept any pain at all in the context of a relationship, I think it will be difficult you to stay in one.

Again, this is less applicable in the honeymoon stage and I definitely don’t mean to suggest that you should let guys treat you like crap just so you can stay in a relationship, but I think you may want to consider re-evaluating your “no crying” policy at some point. Just my opinion, FWIW.

He sleeps with something he calls Thors Hammer?

So he is hung like your arm and you were going to tease him with some kinky underwear all the while being very tight in the undies department.

My dear, opposites attract but his Hammer aint gonna get into your happy sally.

Young men tend to be very inconsiderate.

They rarely can view the world from anything other their own needs.

And women (even in their 40’s) can be very insecure.

The only way to get through that is patience and trying.

[quote]bond james bond wrote:
I’d be willing to bet his work buddies sabatoged the date. Called him a pussy, dared him to bail or whatever, it’s what guys do for fun. It’s the “better you than me dude” game.

Did you tell him about the undies? That’s the “you have no idea what you missed out on” game :slight_smile:

[/quote]

The guy was a pussy anyway. He made plans and instead of following through or returning a call in the middle of the day to cancel/reschedule at a reasonable hour, he lets her know the evening of - at 8:30p when it is too late to go play mini golf - that he is doing something else. Through text message, no less.

Bitch. Move.

So right now the Pro’s out weigh the Con’s, which is great. Plus you kind of have the upper hand. I say give him a second chance. He seems as if he is genuinely sorry. However, don’t let him completely off the hook. Making you cry is not cool!

My advice is to you is to give him a second chance but don’t be too eager and take it slow. Also when you are with him entice him. What I mean by this is to passively entice him. Be yourself at all times, but before you see him do little things to enhance yourself so you are even better than what he remembers. This sounds so girly and it is, but it really does it work. Put on your favorite perfume or maybe try a new scent, doll yourself up a little (for example say you don’t really wear make up, put on a little mascara, maybe a little eyeliner and either a tinted lip-balm or lip gloss or just normal chapstick if that’s your thing). Most importantly be yourself. You seem pretty cool, I mean hell you have Bowser as your profile pic, so you should be fine. I hope this helps a little.

[quote]fncj wrote:

[quote]bond james bond wrote:
I’d be willing to bet his work buddies sabatoged the date. Called him a pussy, dared him to bail or whatever, it’s what guys do for fun. It’s the “better you than me dude” game.

Did you tell him about the undies? That’s the “you have no idea what you missed out on” game :slight_smile:

[/quote]

The guy was a pussy anyway. He made plans and instead of following through or returning a call in the middle of the day to cancel/reschedule at a reasonable hour, he lets her know the evening of - at 8:30p when it is too late to go play mini golf - that he is doing something else. Through text message, no less.

Bitch. Move.[/quote]

I have to agree. I am not expert in this stuff at all (horribly far away from an expert), but I always viewed texting as communication designed for convenience. Starting plans (as in asking someone out) and cancelling plans should never be done over text. Confirming details and all that is probably better over texting, but if he cancels on you over text, he knows exactly what he did and just could not gain the courage to at least cancel over the phone. Plus, instead of calling you and heading home, he just texted you to tell you he was heading home. I don’t have too much respect for people who cannot follow through on plans, do not tell you about them canceling, and then expect a text to be enough.

[quote]batman730 wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I believe in second chances, but only one, so there’s no more of this “oh sorry gone drinking instead.” [/quote]

Actually, thinking about it, I’m sure I give many more than one second chance, assuming there are subtle differences in the wrongdoing that allow me to treat it as a whole new category of offense. :slight_smile:

[/quote]

Really? You’re tough. Despite my very best intentions, I often find I make the same mistake on numerous occasions both in the same and varied categories of offence. I’m just dumb that way. However, I’ve always kind of suspected that people who say they never make the same mistake twice are either lying or deluding themselves. Fortunately for me, my wife has seen fit to grant me innumerable second chances. I like to think this has worked out not too badly for her as well.
[/quote]

I’m talking about potential relationship enders here, not personality qualities or quirks of behavior that might pop up to cause consternation or irritation on a regular basis. I’m pretty easy going with regard to day-to-day stuff, as I believe everyone should be.

When there is something as major as a missed first date I am inclined to wariness, and don’t see cutting a lot of slack. There are a couple of issues that would incline me to the same mindset, which are more about the quality of the person than about their irritating habits. Particularly early in a relationship. The goal is to weed out the people whose poor behavior is beyond what should be tolerated. Which is what you seem to be saying in your post. And again, in thinking realistically about it after I’d posted “one second chance,” I do give multiple chances once I’m all in. But I need a certain level of decency and thoughtfulness in order to bother going all in.

I make a lot of mistakes, too. Magnanimity is something I enjoy as both a recipient and a provider, because what I do NOT want are icy extended silences and festering resentments. To me those are much worse than most generic irritating behaviors.

I admit that I am not a genius when it comes to the relationship department, but I can honestly say that I have never set up a date with my wife and then blew it off to go drinking with my buddies. That is just plain inconsiderate. If he is already pulling that shit, just imagine what it will be like further down the road. Huge character flaw if you ask me. Oh yea, and I have been married to the same women for 19 years.