T Nation

Advice Please

Ok time for an essay as i cant sleep.
This time about a week and a half ago i posted a thread in the G.A.L. forum about finding a lump thought it was from weightlifting :slight_smile:
Was going to ignore it, but was thoughtfully told GO SEE A GODDAMN DOCTOR! … so i did.

Well it seems what i once thought my unreal body which has kept me from being sick or injured or anything… is not so unreal in fact something bad is living there.

The big C has come to live in im body.
Why/How/When etc. etc. etc. i have no clue at the moment im a walking zombie on autopilot, not quite sure if this is some whacked nightmare or if im not quite getting it … but apparently no im not well.

As for dealing with it, im scheduled for a biopsy (??) to see if its spreading or not ( there is words but cant remember them) so i have to wait.

HOWEVER over the last 2 months my countrys health service is being showed up as a joke over 800-900 people had to be RE DONE to see if their cancer was EVEN THERE ! So at this point my mind is firmly stuck on maybe they just fucked up, i hope they did or maybe it will disappear or something, i dont know.

But my G.P tells me no they didn’t… i tell him they did… he says seriously stop living in denial… i tell him go fuck himself, we have great conversations these days.

I haven’t told anyone in the “real world” yet, nor do i particulary want to, i can barely deal with myself at the moment, i cant imagine dealing with OTHER people looking at me like im diseased or something.

Don’t even know if this goes here or even if it belongs on T-Nation but i had to get this out of me.

You know i have come through 8 foster homes, clinical depression, no one to help me but me, i build up my life get a good job, sign up to do fitness instructing, CP’s L1 Olympic Course, hire CT to train me, thinking HELL YA im a legend… apparently it seems someone up there is taking a severe disliking to me being happy.

Fuck me this is not fucking fair, i be nice to people, i open doors, always there to help people and this is my thanks.
Ya God exists pppffttt if he does im going to slap him silly some day.

What you are feeling right now is the worst you will ever feel about this emotionally. I’m not going to ask what kind it is, and judging from the fact you’re going through exploratory procedures to see if it’s metastasized I have to assume it’s malignant (although if they’re just going in for a biopsy this doesn’t make any sense), so you’ve probably got a battle ahead of you.

If you’ve experienced everything you say you have and you’ve come out on the other side then you really shouldn’t doubt that this is going to be anything other than more of the same. You’ve got to keep positive about this–and I’m saying that as someone who’s about as cynical as it gets. Two kinds of people die: people who say they’re going to die, people who look like they’re going to die. You’re not in the position of the latter, don’t put yourself in the position of the former.

Cancer survival rates are the best they have ever been, and you know so little before the biopsy that there’s no point in speculating. Whatever the result is you have to know that you’re going to survive. Not think, know. While you’re sitting around waiting stop letting your mind wander and start planning the cheat meal you’re going to have once you’re told that you’re in remission.

You need to get this “poor me” attitude out of your system.
It’s not my intention to degrade you or make light of your circumstance; I understand that you’re probably in shock at the moment. But it’s important that you pull yourself out of the negative mindset – it will only hinder your ability to beat the disease, if it turns out that you do have it.

Listen to the interview in the following link. It’s Chris Shugart talking with Alwyn Cosgrove about his ordeal with cancer.
It might help you.
Take care, and stay strong, dude.

Corky

Rykker’s right.

Back in the 80’s, my younger brother found a lump on his testicle. It turned out to be cancer that had spread to his lymph glands. At the time, the prognosis for his type of cancer (I can’t recall the name) was extremely small odds of survival. But my brother had always had a fighting spirit. He had always cheated at games to win, so naturally the little bastard wasn’t going to let cancer get him down either. Although he lost a testicle (and his ability to ever be a father), has a huge scar from his chest to his navel, he did beat the cancer and hasn’t had a remission in 25 years. To this day, doctors are always amazed he survived.

You need to look at your own strengths. See how far you’ve come in life… alone! Stand tall and get tough. Cancer is beatable. Research has shown that there are personality types that do better at battling disease, while others only make the situation worse. So look at yourself in the mirror. Start acting like the bad-ass motherfucker you know you truly are. Some people are put on this earth to show others the way. My brother is an example to me. If I ever get cancer, I’m not going down without a serious battle. Now he looks back on it and admits cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to him. It’s defined something in him that no other experience could. Made him a man. Made him take life by the balls. Although he’s 40 now, he still has a child-like wonder and lust for life.