Ok time for an essay as i cant sleep.
This time about a week and a half ago i posted a thread in the G.A.L. forum about finding a lump thought it was from weightlifting
Was going to ignore it, but was thoughtfully told GO SEE A GODDAMN DOCTOR! … so i did.
Well it seems what i once thought my unreal body which has kept me from being sick or injured or anything… is not so unreal in fact something bad is living there.
The big C has come to live in im body.
Why/How/When etc. etc. etc. i have no clue at the moment im a walking zombie on autopilot, not quite sure if this is some whacked nightmare or if im not quite getting it … but apparently no im not well.
As for dealing with it, im scheduled for a biopsy (??) to see if its spreading or not ( there is words but cant remember them) so i have to wait.
HOWEVER over the last 2 months my countrys health service is being showed up as a joke over 800-900 people had to be RE DONE to see if their cancer was EVEN THERE ! So at this point my mind is firmly stuck on maybe they just fucked up, i hope they did or maybe it will disappear or something, i dont know.
But my G.P tells me no they didn’t… i tell him they did… he says seriously stop living in denial… i tell him go fuck himself, we have great conversations these days.
I haven’t told anyone in the “real world” yet, nor do i particulary want to, i can barely deal with myself at the moment, i cant imagine dealing with OTHER people looking at me like im diseased or something.
Don’t even know if this goes here or even if it belongs on T-Nation but i had to get this out of me.
You know i have come through 8 foster homes, clinical depression, no one to help me but me, i build up my life get a good job, sign up to do fitness instructing, CP’s L1 Olympic Course, hire CT to train me, thinking HELL YA im a legend… apparently it seems someone up there is taking a severe disliking to me being happy.
Fuck me this is not fucking fair, i be nice to people, i open doors, always there to help people and this is my thanks.
Ya God exists pppffttt if he does im going to slap him silly some day.