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Advice on Wife Texting Her Boss

I found out my wife has been texting and talking with her boss after hours. It’s been going on for about six weeks and she was hiding it from me. She says nothing hinky went on, that they were just friends and everything was above board. He has an EMT background and she is a nurse, so they had the medical field and those experiences in common.

She doesn’t have a lot of unaccounted for time, but they work twelve hour shifts together behind a security gate and she has a trailer, so who the hell knows. I love her, and i think she loves me, but when this broke i got drunk and told her to leave and we have been separated for a week. I want her, back but I don’t feel like I can trust her.

stick to your guns man.

Did you actually read the texts before she had a chance to perhaps “selectively delete” them ?

If so, of what nature were the texts ?

[quote]T-Raven wrote:
but I don’t feel like I can trust her. [/quote]

Then it is over.

If she isn’t trustworthy, end it.

But if it is all your own insecurities (we all have them, I’ve felt the same before too) and you can’t get past that, it is over, and you have nothing to blame but yourself.

If you can’t or won’t trust, best to stop wasting time then and move on.

You got kids?

Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?

[quote]T-Raven wrote:
I found out my wife has been texting and talking with her boss after hours. It’s been going on for about six weeks and she was hiding it from me. She says nothing hinky went on, that they were just friends and everything was above board. He has an EMT background and she is a nurse, so they had the medical field and those experiences in common.

She doesn’t have a lot of unaccounted for time, but they work twelve hour shifts together behind a security gate and she has a trailer, so who the hell knows. I love her, and i think she loves me, but when this broke i got drunk and told her to leave and we have been separated for a week. I want her, back but I don’t feel like I can trust her. [/quote]
Bosses should not be friends with employees.

I didn’t really get to read any texts. I found out by accident and i just kind of bluffed her and acted like i knew more than I did. The look on her face kind scared me, she looked as though she were really worried about what i might know. ( I know that’s weak, but sometimes you have to trust your gut.) I called him and bluffed him, too.

He admitted they had talked after hours, but denied anything sexual or flirty. I really have nothing concrete, it just bothers me that it went on for so long and that she kept it from me.

I have two college age kids by a previous marriage and she has a fifteen year old.

I have thought about asking her to let me see her phone records for that time and see if what she tells me correlates with what actually went down. Does that sound like a good idea?

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?[/quote]

Well I highly doubt this is the case in this situation, but I’ve had a number of off-the-record conversations that were work-related but not appropriate to handle through professional email. Just saying there’s a place for that.

They both admit to having a friendly relationship outside of work via text and phone, and that some of the texts and calls were not work related.

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?[/quote]

I text my staff and peers all the time.

We, however, have a very unique culture of constant ball busting.

I also don’t hide said texts from my wife, she pretends my jokes aren’t funny.

[quote]T-Raven wrote:
I didn’t really get to read any texts. I found out by accident and i just kind of bluffed her and acted like i knew more than I did. The look on her face kind scared me, she looked as though she were really worried about what i might know. ( I know that’s weak, but sometimes you have to trust your gut.) I called him and bluffed him, too.

He admitted they had talked after hours, but denied anything sexual or flirty. I really have nothing concrete, it just bothers me that it went on for so long and that she kept it from me.

I have two college age kids by a previous marriage and she has a fifteen year old.

I have thought about asking her to let me see her phone records for that time and see if what she tells me correlates with what actually went down. Does that sound like a good idea?[/quote]

Nope. If it’s gotten to this point, it’s already screwed. I’ve been the “other guy” in this situation, and let me tell you - no matter what she says, there’s something going on. Maybe they haven’t acted on it yet, but it’s already VERY inappropriate.

Awful though it may be, as another poster said, stick to your guns.

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?[/quote]

Well I highly doubt this is the case in this situation, but I’ve had a number of off-the-record conversations that were work-related but not appropriate to handle through professional email. Just saying there’s a place for that.[/quote]
I’m sure, but that’s why I used admissible, which is dependent on context, especially given the apparent frequency. I should’ve clarified a bit more, but I enjoy being terse.

ooooook. having been in EMS, going into nursing and being in the field still with Lifeflight communications and watching everyone cheat on their spouses, or hook up, get divorced, etc…I can’t assume anything (as I don’t know her) but texting is the gateway drug. I text a lot of the guys I work with but I’m also one of the guys, and I am friends with their wives too. No need to text the boss after hours unless it is work-pertinent and impacts her in some way going in to her next shift. If you’re married, I think it’s ok to have friends of the opposite sex if you include your spouse in the friendship. when you’re married, you’re a package.

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  1. If the roles were switched, and you acted exactly the way she is acting; would you consider yourself clean or hiding something?

The answer to that question will probably align with what you are already suspecting and probably confirm it.

Then consider this, if you were clean; wouldn’t you take every step possible to emphasize that? Or prove it?

[quote]T-Raven wrote:
They both admit to having a friendly relationship outside of work via text and phone, and that some of the texts and calls were not work related.[/quote]

Yea, here is the problem. It is inappropriate, this could spiral out of control. I would get phone records, pretty sure text messages can be pulled.

Or you could just call it quits now, once down the rabbit hole you cant go back

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?[/quote]

I text my staff and peers all the time.

We, however, have a very unique culture of constant ball busting.

I also don’t hide said texts from my wife, she pretends my jokes aren’t funny. [/quote]
Yeah but that’s the staff/friends dynamic. I gauged the OP’s wife’s situation as being purer boss/employee dynamic according to the OP’s knowledge.

[quote]theBeth wrote:
ooooook. having been in EMS, going into nursing and being in the field still with Lifeflight communications and watching everyone cheat on their spouses, or hook up, get divorced, etc…I can’t assume anything (as I don’t know her) but texting is the gateway drug. I text a lot of the guys I work with but I’m also one of the guys, and I am friends with their wives too. No need to text the boss after hours unless it is work-pertinent and impacts her in some way going in to her next shift. If you’re married, I think it’s ok to have friends of the opposite sex if you include your spouse in the friendship. when you’re married, you’re a package. [/quote]
This.

Plus the medical field and NURSES are the worse, in regards to fucking around and divorce.

Just saying.

On the surface I don’t see anything inherantly wrong about a person and their boss texting after hours.

However, it’s concerning why she felt the need to HIDE it. If it was innocent, then why couldn’t you be in on it? Even if it’s just in passing. You live(d) together, so if she is texting after hours, then the topic of what’s going on with that will come up sooner or later.

I will say that if people of the opposite sex are texting/communicating on a regular basis later on in the evening, 90% chance that at least one party is interested in the other. It’s highly likely, if it goes on for a significant amount of time, that both parties are interested in each other. Unless they are blood-related, I don’t think it really matters what the nature of their relationship is.

Ultimately, what beans said. If you can’t trust her for whatever reason (whether it be your insecurities or she actually isn’t worthy of being trusted), then you’ll either have to legitimately find that trust again (if it’s even possible) or move on. If she seemed like she had things to hide, then I’d be very curious about it, myself.

If what you’re saying is true and you’re not leaving out significant parts of the story, then I don’t think you’re wrong for being suspicious. Maybe kicking her out almost immediately was a little forward, it should at least be talked through in a calm way so that emotion won’t affect the outcome.

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:
ooooook. having been in EMS, going into nursing and being in the field still with Lifeflight communications and watching everyone cheat on their spouses, or hook up, get divorced, etc…I can’t assume anything (as I don’t know her) but texting is the gateway drug. I text a lot of the guys I work with but I’m also one of the guys, and I am friends with their wives too. No need to text the boss after hours unless it is work-pertinent and impacts her in some way going in to her next shift. If you’re married, I think it’s ok to have friends of the opposite sex if you include your spouse in the friendship. when you’re married, you’re a package. [/quote]
This.

Plus the medical field and NURSES are the worse, in regards to fucking around and divorce.

Just saying.[/quote]

A couple of my buddies ( one’s a flight nurse, the other a flight medic) have sent me the dirty pics that nurses are always sending them. The tell me it’s a minefield of temptation. And yup, nurses are the worst.

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Why the hell are they texting? What admissible purpose could that possibly serve that wouldn’t be through professional email?[/quote]

Well I highly doubt this is the case in this situation, but I’ve had a number of off-the-record conversations that were work-related but not appropriate to handle through professional email. Just saying there’s a place for that.[/quote]
I’m sure, but that’s why I used admissible, which is dependent on context, especially given the apparent frequency. I should’ve clarified a bit more, but I enjoy being terse.[/quote]

I misunderstood what you meant by admissible… or at least, admissible to whom. There’s certainly things that get said off-the-record that would be inadmissible to HR or to certain superiors, but would be perfectly admissible to a significant other.