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Advice for my Hubby... He's Old and Fat

Okay, he’s not old. :slight_smile: My husband is 40, over weight and though he won’t admit it, he’s miserable. He’s got problems with his back and feet that cause near constant pain.

Basically, I’m worried about him and need to know if the advice I’m giving him will be helpful. He would like to lose around 40lbs, but he doesn’t know where to start. I’ve suggested several things including taking small meals to work but he claims he can’t get away from customers for 5 minutes to scarf down some protein and carbs.

I know he says he’s ready to do this, but when he refuses to take advice about what to eat and when I find it hard to believe him. I don’t know how to help him get past the menatl road blocks he’s setting up for himself or why he’s even doing it.

He’s going to a chiropractor for his back and so right now (cause I asked the doctor myself in private) lifting is out of the equestion. Running/walking is out of the question. He does have a bike.

What to do? Where to start? Should I just continue to leave him alone and only offer help when asked? Although, that’s discouraging for me because he doesn’t take the advice I give him anyway.

Don’t flog me but I do not find fat rolls atractive and though I love him intensly and always will I feel really sad that life isn’t as good as it should be. I feel like I’m in mourning. Anyways, I don’t know how male minds work through this stuff, or if anything I say or do will ever help him, but I thought I’d ask for advice anyway. I’m willing to do just about anything… I have the feeling that isn’t enough.

Thanks…

He can’t walk? Really?

[quote]colleend78 wrote:
Okay, he’s not old. :slight_smile: My husband is 40, over weight and though he won’t admit it, he’s miserable. He’s got problems with his back and feet that cause near constant pain.

Basically, I’m worried about him and need to know if the advice I’m giving him will be helpful. He would like to lose around 40lbs, but he doesn’t know where to start. I’ve suggested several things including taking small meals to work but he claims he can’t get away from customers for 5 minutes to scarf down some protein and carbs.

I know he says he’s ready to do this, but when he refuses to take advice about what to eat and when I find it hard to believe him. I don’t know how to help him get past the menatl road blocks he’s setting up for himself or why he’s even doing it.

He’s going to a chiropractor for his back and so right now (cause I asked the doctor myself in private) lifting is out of the equestion. Running/walking is out of the question. He does have a bike.

What to do? Where to start? Should I just continue to leave him alone and only offer help when asked? Although, that’s discouraging for me because he doesn’t take the advice I give him anyway.

Don’t flog me but I do not find fat rolls atractive and though I love him intensly and always will I feel really sad that life isn’t as good as it should be. I feel like I’m in mourning. Anyways, I don’t know how male minds work through this stuff, or if anything I say or do will ever help him, but I thought I’d ask for advice anyway. I’m willing to do just about anything… I have the feeling that isn’t enough.

Thanks…[/quote]

Yeah, you can’t force it. He has to want to change. If he doesn’t want to change it will never stick.

Oh great, I spill my guts and now I have to backpedal.:slight_smile:

He can walk - he walks all day at work. He has orthodics that were supposed to help, but they don’t. He ignores things until it’s too late to fix them the easy way. Whenever he walks, say, around the block he limps for a couple of days afterward. Anything beyond what he normally does kills his feet. I personally think it would help his feet more than anything if he would just lose some weight, but it’s kind of a catch 22. You have to exercise to lose weight, but there’s not much he can do at this point. If it were up to me I’d make him run 3 miles a day and tell him to suck it up, but I’m trying to be helpful and supportive. :slight_smile:

I would have him talk to a physical therapist not just a chiropractor. Many doctors will say don’t exercise just to be on the safe side, it’s not necessarily good advice. Maybe even look for a sports doctor. In any event get a 2nd opinion on what exercises are appropriate.

I went to a combined chiropractor/ physical therapist/sports doctor office for my back recently and they said the opposite. Make sure to get exercise since healing of the muscles won’t happen unless I am stressing them appropriately. I had some different problems but the principle is probably the same. The physical therapist/sports doc can give some mobility and flexibility exercises too that will help.

Some people only want to listen to “experts” not to us. Perhaps get some books, maybe people can recommend some here.

A simple intro is “The New Rules of Weightlifting” Maybe you can pick up “the new rules of weightlifting for women” for yourself, and you can both go through the books together. That’s an idea, then it’s both of you sharing a new journey and he won’t feel like you are pressuring him.

I just bought that for a female friend of mine, that and her physical therapist telling her she is too weak and that’s what is causing her pain finally woke her up, when she would not listen to me.

Maybe get his buddies to give him a hard time too :slight_smile: We can take tougher criticism from our guy friends than we want to hear from wives and girlfriends sometimes.

[quote]colleend78 wrote:
…but it’s kind of a catch 22. You have to exercise to lose weight, but there’s not much he can do at this point.
[/quote]

Not true. Exercise is not required to lose weight. It merely helps create a calorie deficit – which is something he needs to work towards (i.e. dieting).

I’m not saying he shouldn’t exercise. But if mobility is a problem then I’d go for dieting first and add light exercising when possible.

I’d recommend hiring a personal coach/trainer/nutritionist if you can afford one. They’ll generally help him with his diet planning, exercise and motivation.

But like one other previous poster already mentioned: If he doesn’t buy into this then it will be a humongous waste of time and money. He needs strong enough desire to want to change. Changing (dieting or gaining) is extremely difficult and requires motivation that few people are willing to muster.

Good luck.

Ma’am,

I have to agree with beaul; change starts with him. I can feel your pain because my wife did the same thing to me when I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was 300Lbs and fat. I told her I was bulking, but I was lying to myself. The one thing that changed my mind was I saw myself in a picture and in the mirror. I had a gut!!! The change started with me and she brought me a birthday present which was a personal trainer. Eventhough looking back I can say I know more than the personal trainer, it was the kick start I needed and I haven’t looked back since. But it starts with him.

Maybe you can ask him to go on bike rides together, or if you have a gym membership get on the eliptical with him.

Good luck. I hope you can make it through this ordeal. You have a battle ahead of you.

I think the “not lifting” advice from the chiro is bad advice. I’ll second the idea of talking with a sports doctor.

But… it sounds to me your husband needs an attitude adjustment. If he doesn’t want to put any effort into losing weight, its not going to happen.

I hate to say it, but no matter how right you are about diet or exercise, your husband probably won’t listen to you due to proximity bias. Chris Shugart wrote a really interesting article about this a few years back:

http://www.T-Nation.com/free_online_forum/diet_blog_hammer_velocity_shugart/proximity_bias_a_discussion

Perhaps you can convince his chiropractor or physician to talk to him about his weight.

It’s certainly possible to lose weight without exercise - though not as easy as it is with exercise. Just making sure there’s no junk food in the house for him to snack on is a pretty good start. Replace your cheetos with almonds, or better yet, broccoli. Along those same lines, avoid going out to eat for dinner, prepare healthy meals without too many processed carbs, don’t let him drink too much beer etc. etc. - you know the drill.

Perhaps you two could take up a hobby together to keep him more active. He’d probably be more likely to ride his bicycle if you went along. Gardening is a great source of NEPA and doesn’t always require you to be on your feet - and as a bonus you get a bunch of healthy vegetables. Now is the perfect time to start planting.

Hope at least some of these tips are of use.

Do you work out? Are you the cook in the family?

If you are the cook in the family make sure he has healthy meals. Don’t buy junk, pack some quick healthy snacks for him.

If you do workout, then you should be not nagging him, but telling him how great you feel by working out.

If he wasn’t alway fat, talk about how great sex was when you first got together.

Be an example, provide him with good meals and snacks, and inspire him to want to get into shape so you both can enjoy his health and strong body.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

Do you work out? Are you the cook in the family?

If you are the cook in the family make sure he has healthy meals. Don’t buy junk, pack some quick healthy snacks for him.

If you do workout, then you should be not nagging him, but telling him how great you feel by working out.

If he wasn’t alway fat, talk about how great sex was when you first got together.

Be an example, provide him with good meals and snacks, and inspire him to want to get into shape so you both can enjoy his health and strong body.

[/quote]

Wow! Thank you all so much! I hopped into the shower after my first post and was worried that I was being disrespectful to my hubby. I appreciate all of the advice and agree with all of you about him wanting to do this.

I think he does, he’s just overwhelmed with where and how to start and just the thought of having to take food to work and eat 4 times while he’s there is a challenge in itself.

I do workout - 6 days a week and I love it. I was training to be in a figure competition this coming October but we had an unexpected surprise and I’ll probably be in the hospital delivering a baby the day of the comp. :slight_smile:

I am also the cook. Dinner is usually very clean - last night we had fish, mashed red potatoes and salad. Something along those lines - we also have four other children and thankfully they eat what I cook. :slight_smile: I make him at least take a protein shake and a fruit with him to work for breakfast, but after that he does what he wants. I don’t tend to buy junk food because if I do i’ll eat it and it’s just not worth it. :slight_smile: He on the otherhand goes to the store quite often and he’s developed a love affair with Mountain Dew. :frowning: He knows it’s bad.

Sex is a huge issue, for me at least. There are major issues going on that are leaving me, uh, wanting for more. :slight_smile: I’m nearly going out of my mind - my sex drive kicked in horribly last year - worse than when I was a teenager and I’m a wee bit frustrated. He’s always grabbing my hiney, telling me how much he likes it, etc. and I’m like - I want a nice hard hiney to hold on to too! Sorry if that’s too much info… I’ve begged him to figure out what’s wrong but he kind of shrugs it off. I think he’s embarassed to pursue it. I don’t know if that has to do with weight or not. Honestly, weight isn’t the biggest issue for me although it’s the most obvious and the easiest to gripe about - I just want him to be healthy. He’s ten years older than I am and I want him around for more than the next 20 years.

So - one of our friends is actually a sports therapist and I didn’t even think about talking to him. Maybe I’ll just call and set up an appointment. I think I’ll buy a few books and leave them on the back of the toilet - you know covert actions. :slight_smile:

I’m not even going to really say anything to him. I think we’ll be on a lot of bike rides this weekend. :slight_smile:

On another note - for all you men out there - what motivates you? I know what motivates me but clearly my hubby and I do not think the same way.

What was your trigger? Why do you get up, workout, and eat right everyday? And what is your favorite reward for your hard work??

[quote]colleend78 wrote:
On another note - for all you men out there - what motivates you? I know what motivates me but clearly my hubby and I do not think the same way.

What was your trigger? Why do you get up, workout, and eat right everyday? And what is your favorite reward for your hard work??[/quote]

Feeling good about myself… metally, physically, sexually.

Mentally I just need it after 8.5 hours behind a desk. When I get home I have a P shake, change, set up my playlist, and workout. If I don’t get to do that I tend to be miserable.

Physically I like not feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been really out of shape and it doesn’t feel good.

Sexually… well… its better… enough said.

I was 330lbs @ age 20. One day I snapped, decided enough was enough and started doing something about it. That was June 16th last year. I joined a gym and started reading stuff, eating better. I’m now 217lbs @ about 18% body fat. I’ve gone from being pretty misberable to having the beginnings of a decent life. Got a girl again, funny how that happens when you lose the weight!!

I didnt start off perfect, thats something i’ve learned recently trying to help my sister, get them to make little changes they can keep. Like cut down on pasta/potatoes at meals, swap snacks around to more body concious ones, full sugar soda to diet soda, start taking fish oil and a multi vit.

Its easy to try and get someone you care about to avoid all the mistakes you wish you hadnt made, but truth is, some people need to be weened into it. Give them stuff they can take out when progress stops. If he can lose 5lbs by switching to diet soda and cutting down on somethings then it means he has plenty more to alter, it becomes easier. Slowly slowly catchy monkey!

I would recommend the article on this site “Pheonix Theory” - Chris Shuggart. Its been pinned up on my wardrobe since November, I still read bits of it every morning. Pass that on to him, see if he’ll commit to either the physical or the photos, that might help!

Anything else, give me a shout on PM, I have a before and current picture if you feel it would be useful.

[quote]sidewalkdances wrote:
I was 330lbs @ age 20. One day I snapped, decided enough was enough and started doing something about it. That was June 16th last year. I joined a gym and started reading stuff, eating better. I’m now 217lbs @ about 18% body fat. I’ve gone from being pretty misberable to having the beginnings of a decent life. Got a girl again, funny how that happens when you lose the weight!!

I didnt start off perfect, thats something i’ve learned recently trying to help my sister, get them to make little changes they can keep. Like cut down on pasta/potatoes at meals, swap snacks around to more body concious ones, full sugar soda to diet soda, start taking fish oil and a multi vit.

Its easy to try and get someone you care about to avoid all the mistakes you wish you hadnt made, but truth is, some people need to be weened into it. Give them stuff they can take out when progress stops. If he can lose 5lbs by switching to diet soda and cutting down on somethings then it means he has plenty more to alter, it becomes easier. Slowly slowly catchy monkey!

I would recommend the article on this site “Pheonix Theory” - Chris Shuggart. Its been pinned up on my wardrobe since November, I still read bits of it every morning. Pass that on to him, see if he’ll commit to either the physical or the photos, that might help!

Anything else, give me a shout on PM, I have a before and current picture if you feel it would be useful.[/quote]

Thank you so much and congrats on the awesome progress!! I struggle to lose 5lbs!

[quote]colleend78 wrote:

So - one of our friends is actually a sports therapist and I didn’t even think about talking to him. Maybe I’ll just call and set up an appointment. I think I’ll buy a few books and leave them on the back of the toilet - you know covert actions. :slight_smile:

[/quote]

Covert actions usually lead to resentments. I’d focus on switching from reg MD to diet MD, as that should have a big result with little work. How about making a bet with him? Most men love gambling!

[quote]colleend78 wrote:
On another note - for all you men out there - what motivates you? I know what motivates me but clearly my hubby and I do not think the same way.

What was your trigger? Why do you get up, workout, and eat right everyday? And what is your favorite reward for your hard work??[/quote]

For me it is simply about the challenge. I love working hard towards a very difficult goal. I’m just wired that way.

Does your hubby have any friends that can help motivate him? It might help if he has someone doing this with him (other than yourself). Sometimes healthy competition is all a man needs to get his motivation.

As I said anytime. I know how much it has changed my life. If you want that picture I can PM it or email it. In fact, if your hubby wants to email me, i’ll throw stuff back and forth. I’m not a patch on some of these guys, but sometimes its nice to have a chat with someone who’s gone or is going through the same thing.

Its all worth it, every single minute spent is worth it. The best saying I ever heard about fat loss is

“Nothing ever tastes as good as being thin feels” - Obv replace that with ‘lean and muscular’, but the gist you need is there!

Wow. That phoenix article was great. Now I’m all fired up.

If he has a competitive personality, try and use that to your advantage. It’s basically what motivates me to go to the gym. As for eating right, I did for a while, but I stopped. I’m going to start again very soon - I plan to become an internet-nutritional expert within the next week or two - and my thinking on this is: why would I want to hurt my progress by eating the wrong things.

If it were me, all you’d have to say is “you look fat and need to lose some weight.” We can’t predict how your husband would react to different things, he’s your husband, hopefully you know him well enough that you can choose the advice that will suit him best.