A Whole Other Family

Off Topic
21

My wife had something similar. Her mother gained custody of her and took her from her father when she was very young. Her mother moved her to another state, changed her name and married the man who became her step dad. Mom and step dad then proceeded to lie and tell her horror stories for the next 30 years so she would never even want to meet him. Despite their best attempts, she still had a very strong curiosity about who he was and what had happened. Her aunt initiated contact with her mom, as they had been childhood friends. My wife then met her aunt for the first time in her life that she remembers. This led to meeting her father for the first time since she was about 3.

It turns out that he is a really nice guy, and part of a very kind and loving family. With the maneuvers that her mom pulled, he was without the ability to contact her and had regrettably given up. They started with a phone call, then when time allowed, we went to meet him. It was really important to go into it without any preconceived notions or expectations.

Since she has re-established contact and met him, she has achieved a level of peace with herself that had not previously been possible. With a better understanding of the situation from another viewpoint, she has been able to come to terms with some things that had been unresolved, as has her birth father.

Their relationship is ongoing, and has turned out pretty well. I know that this is not always the case though, which is why it was very important to not have any expectations of a result.

22

Poke him on fb?

23

[quote]BONEZ217 wrote:
Poke him on fb? [/quote]

Haha!

25

It’s better to regret the things you did do, rather than the things you didn’t. Contact him.

All you are hearing is your mom’s side and her family’s side of the story. My grandmother lied to my dad and his siblings about why their father left as they were growing up and ended up resenting him. When the truth came out, I will just say my grandmother was not the saint she portrayed herself to be and ACTIVELY kept him out of their lives growing up.

I also had my uncle’s ex do that to her with their daughter, so my brother and I have a cousin and my uncle’s other daughter has a sister that we haven’t seen in about 30 years who thinks her stepdad is her biological father.

26

[quote]BONEZ217 wrote:
Poke him on fb? [/quote]

I wish it was this easy. He doesn’t have an account. His kids and wife do. Seen a picture of him for the first time a couple months ago.

What do you say? I’m not the greatest conversationalist at the best of times.

‘So, I hear you helped create me…any genetic disorders I should be aware of?’

27

[quote]bushidobadboy wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
…
[/quote]
If I may be so bold as to ask, has your wife developed negativity towards her mother and step father for their manipulation and deceit?

BBB[/quote]

Yeah. Throwing that on top of a very large pile of previous treatment was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back.

Their ability to communicate has broken down beyond any point of salvation. After that whopper, even if they say that the sky is blue and the sun is shiny, It would still be perfectly understandable to go outside and check.

We went and met him, then told her parents after the fact. They literally became hysterical with fear and anger at what they perceived to be something that we did to them.

The fact that they are capable of the mental gymnastics required to turn the re-uniting of a father and daughter into a personal attack against them should give you some understanding into the types of people they are.

28

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]bushidobadboy wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
…
[/quote]
If I may be so bold as to ask, has your wife developed negativity towards her mother and step father for their manipulation and deceit?

BBB[/quote]

Yeah. Throwing that on top of a very large pile of previous treatment was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back.

Their ability to communicate has broken down beyond any point of salvation. After that whopper, even if they say that the sky is blue and the sun is shiny, It would still be perfectly understandable to go outside and check.

We went and met him, then told her parents after the fact. They literally became hysterical with fear and anger at what they perceived to be something that we did to them.

The fact that they are capable of the mental gymnastics required to turn the re-uniting of a father and daughter into a personal attack against them should give you some understanding into the types of people they are.
[/quote]

That’s horrible man. Glad your wife was finally able to have a decent relationship with her dad.

29

[quote]kothreat wrote:

That’s horrible man. Glad your wife was finally able to have a decent relationship with her dad.
[/quote]

I’m glad she has too.

The strange thing about life and the people in it is that it is very difficult to know the product of an action and how it will change things.

What ever happens, I hope it goes well for you.

30

Have some experience in this myself. Found out when I was 18 that I had a biological father, until this time my “step-father” was who I thought was my real father. Now my “step-father” is who I really consider my dad, he raised me and made me a man. My Sperm donor killed himself when I was 4 years old. His father tried to contact me a few years back on his death bed no less. I refused any contact, he made his own choices in life and he can answer for his decisions.

My view point was I really dont care about the blood relationship, my “step-father” and his family are my real parents. My dad would take a bullet for me, my sperm donor didnt even want me in his life.

My suggestion is move on in life, all you will get out of this is some medical information. Be you own man and be a better person and father than your sperm-donor ever was.

31

[quote]DJHT wrote:
Have some experience in this myself. Found out when I was 18 that I had a biological father, until this time my “step-father” was who I thought was my real father. Now my “step-father” is who I really consider my dad, he raised me and made me a man. My Sperm donor killed himself when I was 4 years old. His father tried to contact me a few years back on his death bed no less. I refused any contact, he made his own choices in life and he can answer for his decisions.

My view point was I really dont care about the blood relationship, my “step-father” and his family are my real parents. My dad would take a bullet for me, my sperm donor didnt even want me in his life.

My suggestion is move on in life, all you will get out of this is some medical information. Be you own man and be a better person and father than your sperm-donor ever was. [/quote]

I agree with this sentiment.

Although both my parents are biological, my closest friend was had no contact with his biological father who was also an alcoholic and split after him being born.

My friend knew about it and I think did get into brief contact with him a while back, but nothing really came of it - he still considered his step dad his real father.

If he hasn’t bothered to get in touch with you, why should you be interested?

32

[quote]RSGZ wrote:

If he hasn’t bothered to get in touch with you, why should you be interested?[/quote]

Dude…read. His Bio donor killed himself when he was 4. Bio Grandpa called him.

33

[quote]Rockscar wrote:

[quote]RSGZ wrote:

If he hasn’t bothered to get in touch with you, why should you be interested?[/quote]

Dude…read. His Bio donor killed himself when he was 4. Bio Grandpa called him.[/quote]

I meant the OP.

34

[quote]RSGZ wrote:

[quote]DJHT wrote:
Have some experience in this myself. Found out when I was 18 that I had a biological father, until this time my “step-father” was who I thought was my real father. Now my “step-father” is who I really consider my dad, he raised me and made me a man. My Sperm donor killed himself when I was 4 years old. His father tried to contact me a few years back on his death bed no less. I refused any contact, he made his own choices in life and he can answer for his decisions.

My view point was I really dont care about the blood relationship, my “step-father” and his family are my real parents. My dad would take a bullet for me, my sperm donor didnt even want me in his life.

My suggestion is move on in life, all you will get out of this is some medical information. Be you own man and be a better person and father than your sperm-donor ever was. [/quote]

I agree with this sentiment.

Although both my parents are biological, my closest friend was had no contact with his biological father who was also an alcoholic and split after him being born.

My friend knew about it and I think did get into brief contact with him a while back, but nothing really came of it - he still considered his step dad his real father.

If he hasn’t bothered to get in touch with you, why should you be interested?[/quote]

Never used to be. I always thought that way. If he didn’t worry about getting in touch with me, then why should I be the one to do it? I wasn’t too worried about it.

Now, I’m at the age where a lot of people are married and have kids. I know that if I ever had a kid that there are very few circumstances where I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. I guess I believe I deserve answers to the questions I have. Will the answers change anything? Like more than a few people have already said in this thread, no, they won’t change anything. Except give me answers. I would just like to know.

Fortunately, this situation isn’t like lewhitehurt’s or skyzyks wife’s. My mom has always been open about it. But, I still don’t know everything. Will that ‘solve’ anything? No, probably not. They were young, around 19, and from what I hear my mom thought it would be better for us if she left him. She didn’t steal me away in the night. He always knew where I was, but at that age if the mother of your child basically takes your son away there may be some bitterness there, or perhaps he didn’t care.

Has he always wanted to get in touch with me, but too much bitterness, or whatever, towards my mom stopped him? I don’t know. It might be good for both of us. I guess it all comes down to an internal nagging. One of those things that a person wants to know first hand.

35

Well then go for it, man.

Let us know how it goes, I really hope it works out well.

36

[quote]RSGZ wrote:
Well then go for it, man.

Let us know how it goes, I really hope it works out well.[/quote]

x2 - let us know~

37

I’m on camp “Let it go”.
Nothing will come out of it and I’m not sure what kind of “closure” you’re looking for here. That dude was never for a single second a part of your life, so why would it matter now?

Starting from the age of 19 he had 28 years to contact you, and not a single lousy phone call?
I guess the only thing driving you towards meeting him is curiosity. But as you already said yourself, you will feel no different afterwards or gain any insight.
I would save the gas money and buy your mom some flowers instead.

Who gives a crap about who your biological parents are? Raising a child leaves so much more of an imprint on it as opposed to genetics. This is a bodybuilding site after all, we don’t give a shit about our genetics.

38

So, couldn’t let it go. But, talking with my my mom, she said it might be better to get in touch with a sibling. We live almost 2000 km’s from each other. I did it through facebook. Yeah, probably not the best way, but the only way I knew how. It’s been a couple of weeks. No answer. He is the eldest of the three others. I would like to hear back from him, but if not, I’ll drop it. It’s the only answer I need.

Appreciate everyones response. It’s something that kept breaking through for me.

39

[quote]kothreat wrote:
Mom said she left him when she got pregnant because he was an alcoholic.[/quote]

[quote]Brother Chris wrote:
Bring a bottle of single malt scotch[/quote]

For serious?

40

[quote]kothreat wrote:
So, couldn’t let it go. But, talking with my my mom, she said it might be better to get in touch with a sibling. We live almost 2000 km’s from each other. I did it through facebook. Yeah, probably not the best way, but the only way I knew how. It’s been a couple of weeks. No answer. He is the eldest of the three others. I would like to hear back from him, but if not, I’ll drop it. It’s the only answer I need.

Appreciate everyones response. It’s something that kept breaking through for me. [/quote]

Hope it all works out for you.