alright ill keep this brief. ive been browsing these forums for a while now ever since i got linked to this site from another one. im not a lifter at all never have been but i like the misc and sex forums. anyway i have decided to make a post because i need some advice and im not willing at least yet to talk to someone about these issues in real life b/c i really dont have anyone i know that could help me. maybe someone out there can give me the real deal.
well basically i got out of the big green machine about 4 months ago. they were a good 4 years overall but after my third deploymant i just got burned out. plus i was tired of being deval dogged constantly and putting up with all the mickey mouse bullshit (any grunt out there will know what im talking about). i couldnt wait to get out and get a breath of freedom.
so now im living by myself and working for UPS. but the problem is is that for the past couple months i have realized that i am seriously fucked up. at first i just thought that i was getting back into the swing of things and that it would just take time to adjust but now i know that somethings up. now heres the problem, i really cant explain what im feeling.
i guess i would say it best by saying that i feel angry and sad at the same time but i dont know why. i cant relate to anybody. its like theres this big time gap between me and everyone else. people at lunch always pissing and moaning about this or that when they have no reason to complain. i have seen little girls like 5 years old having to walk thru shit infested gutters to get home.
THERES a reason to complain motherfuckers i feel like saying but i cant i can only smile and say ya. i guess i would seam like i have my shit together but inside i want to scream and about what i dont know. i debated long and hard about admiting this but sence its the internet i mine as well. yes i cry. i cry at night like its a fucking routine and no matter how hard i try i cant stop it.
i try to look for reasons why i am crying but i cant find any. thats what pisses me off the most. this crying routine really gets me down about myself. i just dont want to be around anyone. usually i just go home after work and smoke a bowl and chill out in my room and just think. i was really good friends with my room mate in high school but now i barely talk to him and i dont want to.
the kicker to all this is a party that some of my coworkers envited me to the other nite. thjis is what made me finally get the balls to post. it was a pretty cool party there were a lot of girls an in the past this would have got me excited but when i was there i couldnt give a fuck.
someones girlfriend was talking to me and said something like; hey i heard you were in the marines. i was like yeah. she asked if i was in iraq. i said yeah. and then heres the kicker. she said; oh that must have been exciting. when she said this i felt a throbbing pain behind my eyes and i almost wanted to cry. this REALLY pissed me off b/c i was at a party.
we talked a little bit longer and she said wow your really quiet you need to be more exciting. at this point i left and i on my drive home i swear to god i was crying so hard that i couldnt breath.
anyway sorry for the long post. i just dont know what to do or where to go because at the rate im going i dont know where ill end up.
so if anyone out there has a similiar expierence or has some advice for me i would really apreciate it. thanks.