T Nation

A T-man......

This seems apropriate…it was sent to me by a friend.

My life creed…


Subject:? Retrosexual

You’ve probably heard of the term ‘metrosexual’, or stupid things like
‘queer eye for the straight guy’.? Well here is the latest movement, the
Retrosexual!
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Ok folks, I have had it. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like
“style”, and “fixing” guys like myself.? Real men of the world, stand up,
scratch your ass, belch, and yell, “ENOUGH!” I hereby announce the start
of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
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The Code
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A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
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A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
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A! Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you
live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
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A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women
have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need 1 (possibly 2
if you include shaving goods.)
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A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years
old.
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A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the “dealing with shit” portion of The Code.
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A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.
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A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
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A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
poontang. Som! e is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain’t worth it.
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A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak
treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city
etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you
enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you screwed up,
he DEALT with you. Buck up PUSSY.
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A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
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A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on
drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in
kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinki! ng heavily is just
fine.
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A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. (If not, he can borrow some from a friend who has enough wound
stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
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A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a
damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
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A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. Get a beer and a
shot of scotch.
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A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and
cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are
TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it’s just fucking
fun to shoot.
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Note:
&n! bsp;
Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can
cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet
( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

(Standng and applauding)

A few creases to iron out, getting there though

Agree with TOKMAN.

Oh, as someone in favor of gun control, I don’t buy into that crap about big firearms making up for small wee wees.

My theory about penis envy is automotive : the louder or longer or bigger the vehicle, the shorter the pee pee.

Sonny,

Go vote for Ralph Nader, and leave us alone!

I’m all for gun control too. You can’t hit what you’re aiming at if you don’t have good gun control. Wanna take mine? I show you how good my gun control is.

Just kidding, but not really…:slight_smile:

Some of this shit is lame. Apple martinis are made with vodka and sour apple schnapps. Regular martinis are made of juniper flavored vodka (gin) and I don’t see juniper as being a more manly flavoring agent than apples. Sorry. It’s like the real men don’t eat quiche thing year back. Quiche is scrambled eggs, cheese and some other stuff in a pie crust…I guess real men are just ignorant and decide on things based on the name instead of what it really is.

If giving up excessive amounts of manliness is taking an occasional shower, changing underwear if you wear them, and not picking your teeth with your dirty fingernail at the dinner table I’d tend to agree that giving it up for a little poontang (or any other reason) is probably a good idea.

What is manliness anyway? I think it’s not giving in to fear or worrying about ridicule, but that the motivation behind a good part of these little statements. I don’t give a fuck if the guy next door thinks I’m gay because I wear a shirt my wife bought me that he happens to think isn’t manly. I wear it to make her feel good and so I can get laid once in a while. I’m not trying to fuck the neighbor so he can go fuck himself. Besides that, paying attention to what another guy is wearing might be seen as gay. I mean preferring flannel shirts over something else is another form of fashioin consciousness, isn’t it?

It’s a good joke but half of it is on the guy that wrote it.

I’m not a metrosexual but certainly not a retrosexual either. Probably somewhere in between. I don’t like fixing stuff, I would never want to kill my own food (too lazy), and am able to cry watching movies. This retrosexual guy sounds like an asshole and I’d probably end up getting in a fight with him.

I think anyone who even thinks about this bullshit is a little insecure about their “manliness”.

I think people who type on message boards are not all that manly–oops.

Im with everything but the gun thing. I will use a gun if i go to war. Otherwise fists (and maybe a crowbar) will solve the problem.

I use gun a lot. So does my wife. We shoot the birds that roost in the barn and shit all over the place. We use a .22 semi auto with bird shot for that.

I use a shotgun to shoot opposums. Normally I’d say live and let live but they carry a disease that’s generally fatal to horses called EPM. I don’t want any of my horses to have to be put down so a few more of the very plentiful opposums can live in the area.

I like to hunt for deer with my rifle. Sometimes I hunt elk with them too but lately I’ve been more into the archery thing for those.

My daughter likes to hunt and target shoot with both her rifle or a handgun. Shooting a gun is no more manly than anything else. It’s no more dangerous than playing darts if you’re careful. The difference is I don’t drink beer and shoot, I will drink beer and throw darts.

I’ve got a Glock .40 S&W too. My wife and I used to work in businesses that involved fairly large amounts of cash and and being alone, sometimes at night. I’d give the people the damn money but as the recent murder of a salesman in this area goes to show, sometimes the idiots want to do more than take that. I still have the gun but I haven’t taken it out in a few years because there’s no need to use it or carry it now.

I think guys that feel more manly because they shoot a gun or drive a big truck or something have “issues” and buying toys won’t fix that.

I gotta problem with the Hot Topic thing. I am not giving up my West Coast Choppers beanie!

One question, Can i still be retrosexual by following the above and using a exfoliating face mask every now and again…and moisturising hand cream…daily. :slight_smile:

Sure, if it’s prescribed by a doctor for some manly ailment like acid burns.

Steely!

LMAO! acid burns!

my roommate is a textbook metrosexual and he gets more ass (from females) than anyone i’ve ever known.

what the hell is conditioner anyway?

To me, being a man means being completely at ease with who I am, and giving everyone else permission to be themselves.
Pete

yeah totally steely i got uuuhhhhhh…acid burns…and they were recommended by my doctor, yeah, how do you guess man!!! :slight_smile:

AH Damn! I cried! I cried LMAO. Your comments brought a tear to my eyes. I guess this doesn’t make me a retrosexual.