This seems apropriate…it was sent to me by a friend.
My life creed…
You’ve probably heard of the term ‘metrosexual’, or stupid things like
‘queer eye for the straight guy’.? Well here is the latest movement, the
Ok folks, I have had it. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like
“style”, and “fixing” guys like myself.? Real men of the world, stand up,
scratch your ass, belch, and yell, “ENOUGH!” I hereby announce the start
of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A! Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you
live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women
have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need 1 (possibly 2
if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the “dealing with shit” portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
poontang. Som! e is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain’t worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak
treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city
etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you
enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you screwed up,
he DEALT with you. Buck up PUSSY.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on
drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in
kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinki! ng heavily is just
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. (If not, he can borrow some from a friend who has enough wound
stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a
damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. Get a beer and a
shot of scotch.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and
cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are
TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it’s just fucking
fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can
cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet
( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.